DSD hit by a car!

daska

Oh for pity's sake, I'M NOT BRINGING IT UP!!!!!!!!!!! apart from when her dad and granny raised it yesterday afternnon the only people I've spoken with it about are you lot and a friend who rang this morning - 48 hours after the event.

We're not angry at her for being injured LOL (unless it does turn out she was playing chicken), she's had cuddles and sympathy and been let off helping with dinner etc. We've run around making sure everything she needs sorted out is sorted.

But she was lazy, selfish and self-centred before she got hit by the car. She "can't be @rsed" (a phrase she learned at her mother's knee) to do anything very much. Subbing the training was a big risk and we were all averse to agreeing to it, it was a family decision, but it was something she'd been wanting to do for years and she promised faithfully and we decided that it would be a good thing to trust her etc... And then suddenly there was this job she'd been mithering us about doing for several years but not been old enough, she's just finished the training and all of a sudden she doesn't care?! We all felt let down, it was granny who forked out for it but we all took the decision.

Am I unique in being able to dissociate my feelings for her and my feelings about her being injured from the feelings surrounding the nature of the accident or indeed from the potential implications? To me these are all separate things. I don't love her any less because she's making what I believe is the wrong decision, I can understand her reasons. I haven't even criticised her for that decision, or criticised her to anyone who knows her, just pointed out that there are implications beyond how many bruises she has such as treatment, job prospects and public safety.

If I'd come on here and written "My poor ickle DSD who is so fabulous and the most beautiful girl in the world and really clever is never going to be perfect again boo hoo please cry with me" would that make me a better parent? Because I can't see how raving about how beautiful, clever or good with people or languages she is is at all relevant to her getting hit by a car. In fact it seems bizarre to me that people should think that I hate her based on my venting about a single incident. I also can't see how denying that her reaction is selfish would improve me as a parent - unless it's now a requirement of all good parents to be blind to their child's faults?

And, of course, one of the reasons I raised it on here was because I didn't want to vent at family and friends and make the situation worse!

I dunno, maybe I am unique, maybe it's just more evidence that I'm not neurotypical LOL

Person_one

daska wrote: »

But she was lazy, selfish and self-centred before she got hit by the car. She "can't be @rsed" (a phrase she learned at her mother's knee) to do anything very much.

She may have learned to be lazy from her mother, I don't know, but if she wants to learn to be nasty and bitter she's got a great teacher in you it seems.

What a horrible way to talk about a 16 year old you supposedly care about, that's not 'venting about a single incident' at all, is it?

daska

Marisco wrote: »

So what's this thread all about then? If it's her gran who has paid for the training, and she is not fussed about perusing the person who caused the accident (assuming there was a car accident, and it didn't happen some other way that SD doesn't want you to know about!) then TBH I cannot understand what your gripe is? Is it because she is not apologetic enough, has too much of an "I don't care" attitude? She is 16, and I can just about remember when I was 16, I didn't give a toss either, teenagers are selfish by default!!

There are two things here which a lot of people are confusing. Reporting the incident to the police, which I personally believe is very important. Granny is most fussed about DSD ruling out claiming compensation without knowing if she's going to need physio etc. They're not the same.

Tina20

daska wrote: »

Oh for pity's sake, I'M NOT BRINGING IT UP!!!!!!!!!!! apart from when her dad and granny raised it yesterday afternnon the only people I've spoken with it about are you lot and a friend who rang this morning - 48 hours after the event.

THIS IS NOT THE ISSUE PEOPLE HAVE. No-one has said that you are continually speaking to your DSD about it. It's your attitude about the whole thing which is the issue.

We're not angry at her for being injured LOL (unless it does turn out she was playing chicken), she's had cuddles and sympathy and been let off helping with dinner etc. We've run around making sure everything she needs sorted out is sorted.

You say that you are not treating her like a child and you give her loads of independence but you admit you are running around making sure things are sorted!

But she was lazy, selfish and self-centred before she got hit by the car. She "can't be @rsed" (a phrase she learned at her mother's knee) to do anything very much.

THIS IS THE ISSUE. You being horrible about her! There is no need

Subbing the training was a big risk and we were all averse to agreeing to it, it was a family decision, but it was something she'd been wanting to do for years and she promised faithfully and we decided that it would be a good thing to trust her etc... And then suddenly there was this job she'd been mithering us about doing for several years but not been old enough, she's just finished the training and all of a sudden she doesn't care?! We all felt let down, it was granny who forked out for it but we all took the decision.

What has this got to do with her accident? Is it being hurt that shows she doesn't care about the job? Or is it not chasing compensation that's showing she doesn't care? Have you ASKED her if she cares about the job?

Am I unique in being able to dissociate my feelings for her and my feelings about her being injured from the feelings surrounding the nature of the accident or indeed from the potential implications?

Yes. Most people worry about the potential implications of accidents etc because they care about the health and wellbeing of the person in question. You, however seem to not care a jot how she really feels, just the fact that she is making you look bad and her poor granny may be out of pocket.

To me these are all separate things. I don't love her any less because she's making what I believe is the wrong decision, I can understand her reasons. I haven't even criticised her for that decision, or criticised her to anyone who knows her, just pointed out that there are implications beyond how many bruises she has such as treatment, job prospects and public safety.

Well, I better make sure I don't get hit by a car, because it may harm my job prospects in the future...
You seriously think a 16yr old is going to appreciate you telling her that? IT'S DONE. She's been hit by a car, she can't turn back time! Why get mad at her because she didn't consider the implications of being hit BEFORE she was hit by the car?

If I'd come on here and written "My poor ickle DSD who is so fabulous and the most beautiful girl in the world and really clever is never going to be perfect again boo hoo please cry with me" would that make me a better parent?

No, but being horrible about her publicly (even to people who she doesn't know) is definately not gonna make you a better parent either.

Because I can't see how raving about how beautiful, clever or good with people or languages she is is at all relevant to her getting hit by a car.

But you think telling everyone she was selfish before the accident is relevant?

In fact it seems bizarre to me that people should think that I hate her based on my venting about a single incident. I also can't see how denying that her reaction is selfish would improve me as a parent - unless it's now a requirement of all good parents to be blind to their child's faults?

Nobody said you hate her, and you are not venting about a single incident. You have slagged her off for her actions before the accident occured.
Her reaction, not wanting to pursue a legal case, IS NOT SELFISH.

And, of course, one of the reasons I raised it on here was because I didn't want to vent at family and friends and make the situation worse!
I dunno, maybe I am unique, maybe it's just more evidence that I'm not neurotypical LOL

I'm sure you can tell the red comments are mine.

Tina20

daska wrote: »

There are two things here which a lot of people are confusing. Reporting the incident to the police, which I personally believe is very important. Granny is most fussed about DSD ruling out claiming compensation without knowing if she's going to need physio etc. They're not the same.

They are both her decision, and none of your business, why are you still getting riled up about it?

Caroline_a

If there was only tissue damage and bruising as seems probably I cannot see why this would need physio. The standard cure for this is RICE - Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation. She will regain any use that she has lost due to stiffness just by using the arm in a normal manner. Some years ago I broke my wrist, and when asking about physio was told by the hospital 'just use it and it'll be fine'. And it was.

huskypup

Can I please ask "who does stepdaughter live with"?

daska

Being objective isn't the same as being horrible. What I've stated are facts. I've tried to explain the background to why an incident which I appreciate may sound pretty minor to an outsider, is actually really quite a big deal. I could understand it if I were saying she was a waste of space and we really hated having her around because she never helps with the dishes, and the sooner she moves out the better, that would be horrible, but that's not the case. She is lazy, that's a fact, getting her to do anything is hard work. She is selfish and self-centred, she simply doesn't see how her actions affect others despite having it explained to her - hence the dinner rule changing from 'let us know if you'll be out' to let us know if you'll be in. She will grow out of it - we still have hope! Fair point about being bitter, her mother has caused a huge amount of physical, emotional and financial problems for all of us. But DSD wasn't responsible for that and isn't blamed for it in any way.

Legally (assuming DSD is telling the truth) the driver is responsible for notifying the police. In the absence of the driver doing it there is, I believe, a collective responsibility, which I'm feeling bad about both because I haven't done it and because if I did it would quite probably cause rifts. And I really dislike being put in this position.

With regard to the injury, yes, the last injury the nurse looked it and said "you'll be fine, make sure you keep moving". But it wasn't. And the comments were made before she'd even got to A&E reception. That's what riling granny, that DSD had obviously considered and decided without knowing the implications.

daisiegg

I've just read this thread through and can't understand why people are being so negative towards daska. Do none of you have teenage children? Can you not understand how it is possible to state unpleasant facts about a teenager, without that meaning that you don't love them? I have a 15 year old almost-step-daughter and she is lazy, self-centred, immature when it suits her, can be incredibly thoughtless, and dresses like a cross between a sl*tty vampire and a male tramp. BUT - she is also sweet, caring, polite, intelligent, pretty (under the make-up!), talented, funny, honest, and I love her.

If I came on here to post about how frustrated I was with something she had done/not done, I might not include all the positive things I said above. But that wouldn't mean they're not true!

jellyhead

daska wrote: »

I'm not ignoring the question, I'm deliberately not answering it, it isn't actually relevant and it's a detail too far.

Fair enough, but as you mentioned a holiday job I am assuming it's not just outside school hours - so she'll have 2 weeks of school yet before she goes on study leave. Won't that be long enough for her to heal?

Or have I got the wrong end of the stick and it's a job they might want her to start outside of school hours straight away?