Mother from hell now has cancer.....

GotToChange

londonsurrey wrote: »

They didn't ask you to forgive them. They don't think they did anything wrong. And it's being reinforced by the times you do reappear, allowing them to kick you, over and over again. What incentive does a sociopath have to think that a victim that keeps on reappearing finds the sociopath's behaviour to them so very undesirable?

I know this - it has always been an internal thing - and what I was probably advised to do when I started to have some real mental/emotional issues with their lack of interest/care/love....
...but when we (L and I) went to NZ, halfbrothers wanted me to make a big thing of telling my father out loud that I forgave him. So I did it. It seemed to soften him somewhat (at that point there had been a big chunk of time when I didn't know where he was - and I gave up a place at University to take the trip to NZ) but the trip still went pear-shaped and my forgiveness was all but dismissed.
I think they do know that something isn't right - but it is all in my head and nothing to do with where - and who - I come from.
Bygones.
:silenced:

GotToChange

robster1964 wrote: »

Don't you sometimes feel you are wasting your life? Constantly going over, what happened, who said this and who did that and always taking things so personally... Some people think too much in my opinion.... And they let the past ruin the future... No ones perfect, not even mums etc..!!!! loads has happened to me, but I don't make everyone in my life live through it too...

I just prefer to realise, you make the best of what your dealt with... Some good some bad, but don't constantly go over the bad!! What about the good?

jMO x

"but I don't make everyone in my life live through it too..."

....I'm not sure what this means?


I agree with some of what you say - and this is happening now largely in response to those who have been kind enough to involve themselves in my sorry tale.

Trust me - damaged as I am - I do not typically spend oodles of time going over and over what has happened; I can be a bit verbose and I cannot help but feel that there is a screenplay in there somewhere....

...but the more (such very important people/yet those with no right) tell me that I should forget my past (why me I wonder? I don't see so many other people being told to forget their heritage/childhood/background....), the more I feel a bit stubborn about it.

My mother's diagnosis - and the "therapy" I have been subjecting myself to recently have raised the subject to the surface of my mind, like the rotting dead body that I mentioned upthread. I do know my own faults - and if futilely (?) loving and wondering about parents who could not give a s**t is a fault, I am guilty of that,as I am of overthinking this sorry situation.



eta: robster, there has been NO "good" with my parents. None. Ever.
Unfortunately, that HAS impacted on some aspects of my life and my character. It is not always possble to shrug off the way you have been treated your entire life.

londonsurrey

GotToChange wrote: »

I know this - it has always been an internal thing - and what I was probably advised to do when I started to have some real mental/emotional issues with their lack of interest/care/love....
...but when we (L and I) went to NZ, halfbrothers wanted me to make a big thing of telling my father out loud that I forgave him.

Yes, in this case they represent society at large, that wants all the usual basic "nicenesses" done. You gave in to them. They wanted the show. They don't want to acknowledge how nasty your father is. They aren't forcing him to be nice.

It's an insubstantial floorshow, that you are still trying to buy into, that you're yearning after.

londonsurrey

GotToChange wrote: »

...but the more (such very important people/yet those with no right) tell me that I should forget my past (why me I wonder? I don't see so many other people being told to forget their heritage/childhood/background....), the more I feel a bit stubborn about it.

Again, more floorshow people. All they want is everyone to pretend at playing nice, as they're shallow enough to not be truly interested.

If one of their relatives came back from war and had PTSD, they'd want him to shut up too, and not go on about the grisly sights, the blood, the horror.

What they want is to pat him on the shoulder, and for him to sit quietly in the room. And they'll happily talk to their friends about poor old Jack, but it's alright, "we're looking after him". That is the extent of their care. It's all purely superficial, all they allow their limited minds to encompass.

faerie~spangles

FWIW.

The last phone conversation I had with my mother went as follows:

Note she called me.

Me, "Hello?"

Her, "How did the boys get on at..." (I have one son and one daughter)

Me, " Oh I think you meant to call xxxxx"

Her, "This is your mother"

Me, "Yes I know, how very odd that when you call xxxxx, you don't announce in a nasty tone that you are her mother."

Calls from my mother to me always started with 'this is your mother.'

At the time of the call my son was seriously ill in intensive care. I blew my top and gave her some home truths re' how much she'd lost out with her skewed favouritism.

She was the loser in her lifetime, she lost getting to know her fabulous grandchildren. Her choice not mine. My kid's couldn't stand the way she spoke to me therefore avoided her.

Oh yes, she could brag to her non existent friends about my children's achievements. She played no part in their success.

ETA, she died three weeks later

robster1964

I think we all over think things sometimes kiddo! But this is ruining your life... Truly sorry you are going through this... I guess it takes an unusual person to just cut off the bad stuff, and get on with your life... In a way, I do,.... But in another way, all the other people in my life accept, that I just don't conform... Some love me some don't, I think that I am probably one of those people that puts my own feelings above every one else's, but the care I give to others overcomes it... I accept it doesn't always pan out, but I can't change?

GotToChange

ls - your insights!!!!

Oh the number of emails of my fathers that say plainly that I must "be nice" and variations on the theme, such as:

this email to me at some point last year....

"Quote from an email to my second best friend, David McLachlan, who lives in Spain

"Don't write back right away, as you usually do, as I always feel obligated to answer you and will end up spending all our tme wiriting to each other about nothing.' My point, in case you don't get it, Cxxxxx, is that I do not want to spend all my time on the internet exchanging emails with anyone. I have other projects, other issues, and other problems to occupy my time. Some people send jokes to each other because they have nothing else to do. I, thank God, do have something else to do.

If I buy a property in France, Tristan will run a business from there, which may be horse connected, or may be growing Xmas trees, or may be raising sanglier (wild boar), or may be a bed and breakfast or a comibination of these and other things. I will take a cut of what he makes which will augment my inadequate pension. It is a business investment. OK?"

I know this is totally against the robster advice (i.e. fruther wallowing) - but I want you to know how very clever you are londondsurrey - and how much help you are to this tortured soul.

GotToChange

faerie~spangles, ouch....
(...but, she called you, mine never would)
See, I hate that I am envious of even genuinely troubled genuine relationships. And I am sorry that she died without your issues being resolved; it is such a shame that this happens and that people miss out on aspects of life that can be truly fulfilling.



(As an aside, may I just say that I am with you with the BBT quote .... I watched that episode the other night and it does make me :rotfl::rotfl:.)

londonsurrey

GotToChange wrote: »

ls - your insights!!!!

Oh the number of emails of my fathers that say plainly that I must "be nice" and variations on the theme, such as:

this email to me at some point last year....

"Quote from an email to my second best friend, David McLachlan, who lives in Spain

"Don't write back right away, as you usually do, as I always feel obligated to answer you and will end up spending all our tme wiriting to each other about nothing.' My point, in case you don't get it, Cxxxxx, is that I do not want to spend all my time on the internet exchanging emails with anyone. I have other projects, other issues, and other problems to occupy my time. Some people send jokes to each other because they have nothing else to do. I, thank God, do have something else to do.

If I buy a property in France, Tristan will run a business from there, which may be horse connected, or may be growing Xmas trees, or may be raising sanglier (wild boar), or may be a bed and breakfast or a comibination of these and other things. I will take a cut of what he makes which will augment my inadequate pension. It is a business investment. OK?"

I know this is totally aganst the robster advice - but I wnat you to know how very clever you are londondsurrey - and how much help you are to this tortured soul.

I'm very glad to be of some comfort, GTC. I've lived variations of these things, been gutted at discovering what I thought were carefully loved and nurtured family were actually hollow "floorshow" facades, etc.

I feel your pain, the betrayal of trust, the outrage, the !!!!!! they can't really be playing such a meaningless charade, can they? And sadly, oh yes, they can really be that superficial.

robster1964

It's an email from someone, who doesn't have the time to email, but thinks that they maybe should try... I truly understand that... Sometimes, if you run your own business, you lose perspective... You don't have time to deal with family, feelings... You don't have the time to think about yourself... It's a tough life, too...There is no 9-5, and having evenings and weekends chilling(and time to think!) if you run a business (just saying!) x