Mother from hell now has cancer.....

GotToChange

You know, I have no idea why people do such things.... cowardly does not even come close.

My own father would not take the chance that he would have to cross the road to avoid anybody and instead, almost even before the ink was dry on divorce/custody (granted to him...) papers, he was blazing a trail to the south. The only time that he came back to my (his) home town was on marriage#3 when I was about 12 and I suppose that even by then, the harm had been done. He didn't want the cute version of me years before, the troubled adolescent held no appeal whatsoever. He would visit his parents - and thus, me - weekly - just, it seemed, to keep me down and unsure of myself.

Since around the time I was 18, he has never lived back in England (except when he wanted to avail himself/his son of the UK HE system when there were no fees and actual grants!!!! - so, a few years ago - the son in question is now 35 I think); he went first to France - three different locations, then to New Zealand, then back to UK for Exeter University, then Spain for a good few years, then (altho' I didn't know it)
Canada, which is where he was when he wrote to me in 2009. Since then he has been coming to England and also spending a lot of time in the South of France (which included a failed business venture with son #2).
Nice life I guess. The last thing he wants is a daughter who is so old (etc etc)that she is a reminder of his mistakes and mortality (and of course of my mother who, as I have said before, he still manages to despise).

And yet, if only he knew - she actually agrees with him (having seen - finally - a copy of the letter that he sent to me in '09) that I am nothing but trouble and wishes she - as does he - had never bothered with me.

Ugly ugly people.

meritaten

GotToChange wrote: »

Oh JoJo - so insightful.

Indeed, the thought of being of some support to my mother makes my blood run cold, so she is (unintentionally) doing me a favour, as I would probably eff up trying to take care of her. (If I was hoping she would need me and that I could reject her, it must be veeerrrrry subconcious....)
But, it is - was - my first instinct - if only to share the "burden".... crazy, I know. Or masochistic maybe.

I am sure she wouldn't be exagerrating - I cannot imagine that a smoker would embroider the truth (as an ex-smoker, I know that the thought of lc is - even now - the ultimate fear....) - and yet, when my grandmother died suddenly one Christmas, I recall that when I told my mother, she said something like, "well, I suppose it must be true" (huh?) - so lies about health/death do not seem to be beyond the bounds of reason in her head. In this case, I am choosing to believe her - but it seems that beyond that, it has little to do with me.

This goes two ways (she has said that she has been told that it isn't terminal*) - she dies; or there is every chance that she would be the worst type of cancer survivor.

I am under no illusion (I think) that illness makes a nasty person into a nicer one (possibly quite the contrary) - but I am certain that her rejection of me is not for any noble reason - it is one last/more chance to shut me out and is probably the silver lining that she has found in this dark cloud.

What a strange thing to say - unless she has already had treatment and is now pronounced clear of cancer!

hun - you have been given the green light to avoid her - do so! at her own request so you have nothing to scourge yourself with!
I cannot say to forget her - look upon her as a lesson learned - you now know how to recognise a narcissist/sociopath. you know they appear normal on the outside, while inside there is this huge void where normal maternal or even human emotions should live. just try to put her aside - live your life for you! not with the goal of gaining this 'persons' love or affection. She doesnt have it in her to give!

Four_leaf_clover_2

Why do you want a relationship with her? It doesn't seem as if she has ever been a good mother to you. I get the impression that any contact with her would be extremely damaging to you. You have done all you can, tried to build bridges etc.

What kind of 'mother' breaks news of a very serious illness to their child and then speaks to them the way she did to you! Walk away and save yourself immense heartbreak is my advice.

GotToChange

meritaten wrote: »

What a strange thing to say - unless she has already had treatment and is now pronounced clear of cancer!

hun - you have been given the green light to avoid her - do so! at her own request so you have nothing to scourge yourself with!
I cannot say to forget her - look upon her as a lesson learned - you now know how to recognise a narcissist/sociopath. you know they appear normal on the outside, while inside there is this huge void where normal maternal or even human emotions should live. just try to put her aside - live your life for you! not with the goal of gaining this 'persons' love or affection. She doesnt have it in her to give!

I guess that I have a fear that I am something like her....
IF I didn't care about her (pointless and rejected as my love is), then am I not as bad as she is?
And yet, when I have dealings with her, this is the (rare) time when - as I try to defend myself - I feel that I may turn into her. Only the fact that I feel as though I am being stabbed by what she says- and that I cannot simply, even though I should, push it aside when the call ends (not a good thing though) - reassure me that this apple has fallen far enough from the tree to be in another orchard.

I sometimes feel cursed - in every way.

And the more the peeps on here say it, the more I wonder about the "it's not terminal" statement; she sure as hell didn't mean it as reassurance.....
...but I can hardly ask the question of anybody as my status as outcast has now been confirmed.

GotToChange

Four_leaf_clover wrote: »

Why do you want a relationship with her? It doesn't seem as if she has ever been a good mother to you. I get the impression that any contact with her would be extremely damaging to you. You have done all you can, tried to build bridges etc.

What kind of 'mother' breaks news of a very serious illness to their child and then speaks to them the way she did to you! Walk away and save yourself immense heartbreak is my advice.

I suppose that I have a masochistic streak... I usually simply cannot believe that she can loathe me so much. After each time she speaks to me in this way, I forgive her. It is a shock all over again when I find out that she still hates me the following year (the usual interval between contact). Hating someone merely for existing??? There seems to be no hope if that't the case.

In the case of both her and my father, I forgave them for the unforgivable (when they didn't even care that I did) - it is such a puzzle that they forgive me for nothing.

*sigh*

londonsurrey

GotToChange wrote: »

I guess that I have a fear that I am something like her....
IF I didn't care about her (pointless and rejected as my love is), then am I not as bad as she is?

FACT - She doesn't love you
You love her

FACT - You care about her
I'd venture as far as to say that part of your problem is that you care too much.

You are not like her. At the moment, you are the "complement" to her, in that you're her victim. Being her victim is not being like her.
I'd encourage you to not be her victim, as she's got you nicely trained into torturing yourself with no effort on her part.

If I were to ask you of a good encounter, a good connection that you can recall in your life, with a friend, a pet, can you describe it?

londonsurrey

GotToChange wrote: »

I suppose that I have a masochistic streak... I usually simply cannot believe that she can loathe me so much. After each time she speaks to me in this way, I forgive her. It is a shock all over again when I find out that she still hates me the following year (the usual interval between contact). Hating someone merely for existing??? There seems to be no hope if that't the case.

In the case of both her and my father, I forgave them for the unforgivable (when they didn't even care that I did) - it is such a puzzle that they forgive me for nothing.

*sigh*

They didn't ask you to forgive them. They don't think they did anything wrong. And it's being reinforced by the times you do reappear, allowing them to kick you, over and over again. What incentive does a sociopath have to think that a victim that keeps on reappearing finds the sociopath's behaviour to them so very undesirable?

GotToChange

Well, to tell the truth ls, I am not really sure that I do care any more - and this love that I feel, may not actually be love; what the .... do I know.

I can describe an encounter - sadly, "only" with a pet. Even though someone else did the hard work with the horses tonight, I pulled myself together to go to check on him last thing. As I walked into the stable, I felt my heartrate slow and some of the tension leave me.
After eating his supper, he stood alongside, almost leaning on me as I ran my fingers through his mane and scratched his neck, feeling the reassuring silkiness of his summer coat coming through; OK so maybe it was cupboard love for extra Polos on his part - but I'll take what I can get. A gentle sigh from the gentlest horse and then as I leant on the stable door watching the rain as complete darkness fell and he turned away from me to bend his head to his hay, the blissful sound of his eating offering the salve to my shattered mind.
I even said out loud, "She will never understand why I love horses - and that says a lot about the person that she is, not the person that I am."


/cheese OFF



Also - note that - maaany years ago (I have had the horse for 15 years), my mother told me that I would have more of a life if I didn't have him.

robster1964

Don't you sometimes feel you are wasting your life? Constantly going over, what happened, who said this and who did that and always taking things so personally... Some people think too much in my opinion.... And they let the past ruin the future... No ones perfect, not even mums etc..!!!! loads has happened to me, but I don't make everyone in my life live through it too...

I just prefer to realise, you make the best of what your dealt with... Some good some bad, but don't constantly go over the bad!! What about the good?

jMO x

londonsurrey

There's nothing "only" about a connection with a pet. It tends to be pure and straightforward, i.e. "Yes, I like the Polos you give me", "Hello, it's really nice to see you" and "Yes, touch is nice".

Now, that is a connection that is real and worth having.