Mother from hell now has cancer.....

GotToChange

londonsurrey wrote: »

Don't beat yourself up about not always having the comebacks. I had mine "pinned" with lots of them, and she would then just literally ignore me.

Even when in court, when we were asked if each party had a question for the other, my question to her was "Do you actually hear anything I say".

Guess what? She was so used to ignoring me, that even in court, and she's a trained solicitor, she actually just sat there, ignoring me and the question, in front of all the magistrates, clerk, etc!

As I said to my friend, what did my head in, and took me ages to understand was that she was "chasing" me all these decades, insisting that I listen to her, take part in whatever "games" she wanted, but at the same time, while paying me all this attention, she was simultaneously ignoring me!

So there's no actual "winning" with her. I think the key is to realise that behind the fascade, and no matter what society wants us to believe, there is no actual mother to be unearthed, to be persuaded, no mother to be found in that body.

Wow.
I did actually chuckle at the thought that one of your questions was actually asking her if she listened to you at all?
But - humour aside (I first typed that butt humor.....!) - you are quite right, some people do not have the mother gene, there is no mother inside of them. Sadly.

I am not sure of the extent to which my mother has actually been a mother to the others. For some reason, I cannot see it somehow.

Maybe the you's and me's (poor English) of this world have had a (somewhat belated) lucky escape?

And - for the time that I was - I happen to know that I was a fantastic mother - so I escaped my awful heritage and hope to continue to do so.
Now if only I could do something abour the - if I squint and look sideways in low light - physical resemblance.

GotToChange

thorsoak wrote: »

Oh dear - what a mess! Nothing any of us can say or do can repair the hurt and rejection that you have experienced - it is so sad that people can behave in such a way

My only suggestion is that you let them go - completely and utterly - divorce your entire family if you like! Symbolically, I would buy one of those great big fancy balloons, write a label "my dysfunctional family" - take it up to a high windy spot - and then let go of it! Watch it fly away - and take the symbolic hurt and rejection with it.

{{hugs}}

It feels like so much of a mess that it would be a TV series rather than a one-off......
....and yet it is not unusual these days I suppose.

I am all for symbolism - and the thought of my "family" troubles drifting away on currents of air is very pleasant. My current images are of - thoughts of my family insisting on floating to the top/front of my mind like some ghastly dead body rising through thd cold depths as it fills with (is fed by me) noxious gasses. Intent on being the only thing that I think about - even when I don't want to and push it down to supress the thoughts that are not only harmful in themselves, but displace anything positive that I may be trying to think about or do. I think I am about to add some concrete weights to this dead body and pray that it sinks to the bottom - where it belongs.


(I'm not quite sure who the body belongs to - it's just symbolic I hope.)

The balloon is an altogether lighter and brighter idea.

supermezzo

There's wonderfully descriptive line of one of the neighbours in the film Shirley Valentine 'She's that sort of person - If you've been to paradise, she's got a season ticket'.

Part of me (and I am a big old cynic with just about everybody these days, especially my 'Mother' *I use the term loosely) but I can't help but wonder if you managed to get in before she did when you rang the other day, and if, having heard that you were ill, she had to trump you in some way?

londonsurrey

GotToChange wrote: »

I am not sure of the extent to which my mother has actually been a mother to the others. For some reason, I cannot see it somehow.

I think you're right here. The point of these characters is that the appearance is what's important. So they'll talk to people about what positive experiences they had with their children.

If you think back, a lot of the "positives" happen when the mother is telling it, not when the actual child is experiencing it. All the good stuff tends to be happening to another child. That's why the children resent each other. [/QUOTE]

These "mothers" are expert spin doctors. We just have to understand that, and that all the good stuff is in their heads. We've already started by realising that they haven't been good mothers to us. And I'd bet that like mine, yours would be incapable of admitting that to anyone.

GotToChange wrote: »

Maybe the you's and me's (poor English) of this world have had a (somewhat belated) lucky escape?

Oh yes, totally. And we've done it while there's still time to go out and learn to belly dance and heaven knows what else!

GotToChange wrote: »

And - for the time that I was - I happen to know that I was a fantastic mother - so I escaped my awful heritage and hope to continue to do so.
Now if only I could do something abour the - if I squint and look sideways in low light - physical resemblance.

Don't worry about that. Do what I did - look at her and think, ok, we have similarish looks, so that's exactly what not to do. In my case, it's don't go around:
- frowning
- having a downturned mouth
- have a partially opened mouth when you're ignoring someone - it makes you look stupid
- slouch
- creep people out



I used to be a project manager - I learn from hearing about perfect projects, but I learnt a LOT from projects that went wrong, so I knew at least SOME of what not to do! Lol.

Just as an aside, this amused me. It's about a large mainframe computer that was being installed about 40-50 years ago in a US university.

It was a HUGE beastie, and when it arrived, it wouldn't go through the doors. Finally, they gave up, and arranged for builders to enlarge openings for the computer to go through the next day.

In the meantime, the computer was put on the front lawn (it was huge, it was on campus grounds, it wasn't going anywhere for one night).

A midwest US campus lawn.
In the middle of summer.
They forgot that in the early hours of the morning, the automatic sprinklers came on.

Now tell me that we don't learn from other people's mistakes.

GotToChange

@supermezzo - well, that is something she would usually do as everything swiftly does become "all about her". The only thing that I managed to say before the c-bomb was that I hadn't been too well and I hoped ...reconcile...other people...blah blah.

Even though the cancer announcement was - should? - have been the main topic (I guess - although the harshness with which I was told effectively to butt out made it tricky), she turned on me so quickly that my head was spinning. A few weeks ago, she HAD told me that she never wanted to speak to me again.... But, duh - because I would never do such a thing - with so little (no?) reason - I thought she may have not meant it/had a rethink. But, no. She just wanted to press the point home harder - and brought up mostly the same stuff - just with a bit more swearing. I guess if ther life is on the line, she doesn't have to care about my feelings at all.

It would all have been the same had I called (and let's face it, she would never have called me....) with some dreadful news of my own.
*sigh*






woe is me.

GotToChange

@londonsurrey -

love the computer story. It is good when other people make mistakes and we don't stuff up ourselves but have the wisdom and benefit of their experiences.


As for mother putting a gloss on "life before me" - well, she would show me their family holidays pics - and would tell me about the things they had done - just their lives together basically.
(And yes, it did hurt, I was jealous - and my father did the same bl00dy thing...)

But there wasn't much spin. She had it so very HAAAAARRRRRD you know. Both she and D are in line for sainthood, with what they have had to put up with.
(oh that is bee-atchy - but i am thinking of an occasion when D visited and apparently, mother was not ready when she and K wanted to go to the car boot sale, so they left her behind (which, with my limited knowledge, I find to be spiteful and unkind) and she had no means to get there.Not nice. She apparently got falling-down drunk and hysterical - but Saint-in-waiting D sorted it all out - or not,as the case may be. Still all sounds a bit ugly - and unnecessary to me/as does going to a c ar boot but that is just me....nothing snobby, just I am for clutter-free- the anithesis of car-booting (unless selling, which I have done..)

The matra of both of my parents (even though father is now in good health I believe and a dollar millionaire at least) has always been,
"Don't tell me your problems, I've got problems of my own - and no-body ever helped me."


(Problems = anything much at all.)

londonsurrey

GotToChange wrote: »

she would show me their family holidays pics - and would tell me about the things they had done - just their lives together basically.
(And yes, it did hurt, I was jealous - and my father did the same bl00dy thing...)

But there wasn't much spin. She had it so very HAAAAARRRRRD you know.

Think about it. They don't value you, or hold your opinion in any esteem. Yes, that hurts, a lot.

BUT they still need to tell you about their holidays, about how virtuous they are. What does it say about them and how secure they actually are that they have to convince/show off to someone they don't value?

When you see the pictures, etc, all you feel is that you want to be included.
What you forget to ask is why are they bothering to tell you? If they're so sorted out, they should just bother with people that they're valuing.

Think of the pretty bully group girls aged about 5-6. They get their power by showing off. If you throw mud on them in the middle of their preening and showing off, then wander off to do your cool own thing, it really sucks the power out of them. And they're not desirable to know or to want to have around you.

GotToChange

londonsurrey wrote: »

Think about it. They don't value you, or hold your opinion in any esteem. Yes, that hurts, a lot.

BUT they still need to tell you about their holidays, about how virtuous they are. What does it say about them and how secure they actually are that they have to convince/show off to someone they don't value?

When you see the pictures, etc, all you feel is that you want to be included.
What you forget to ask is why are they bothering to tell you? If they're so sorted out, they should just bother with people that they're valuing.

Think of the pretty bully group girls aged about 5-6. They get their power by showing off. If you throw mud on them in the middle of their preening and showing off, then wander off to do your cool own thing, it really sucks the power out of them. And they're not desirable to know or to want to have around you.

Good analogies there ls....

I think she/they (as father did precisley the same thing - including when I dragged my daughter to the other sdie of the world to visit them in NZ) thought - in their ignorance - that showing me photographs, reminiscing and sharing private jokes in front of me WAS somehow including me. For me to be hurt - or unable to process what was happening and certainly not able, encouraged or allowed to reciprocate - was me being difficult and refusing to be "part of the family". Of course.

If they had once seen how impossible it is to insert yourself - as an individual (or with my 8 yo daughter on that occasion) - into a group of people who genuinely are a family. It is one of the hardest (emotional) things in the world.

And, if all parties in the situation cannot even acknowledge that it may be hard, it then actually becomes impossible.

I have always been the one "doing their own thing" (with no mud-throwing) and am usually seen to be self-contained and self-sufficient. Oh, if only.

I try.

missprice

GotToChange wrote: »

Good analogies there ls....

I think she/they (as father did precisley the same thing - including when I dragged my daughter to the other sdie of the world to visit them in NZ) thought - in their ignorance - that showing me photographs, reminiscing and sharing private jokes in fornt of me WAS somehow including me.
your still not getting it. that behaviour is not inclusive,thay have done this deliberately to hurt you or if not to hurt then to show off to 'someone they care so little about' that they dont even contact you.
For me to be hurt - or unable to process what was happening and certainly not able, encouraged or allowed to reciprocate - was me being difficult and refusing to be "part of the family". Of course.
again this was said to you to make you feel bad, the one thing you want, ( and they know it) you cant have

If they had once seen how impossible it is to insert yourself - as an individual (or with my 8 yo daughter on that occasion) - into a group of people who genuinely are a family. It is one of the hardest (emotional) things in the world.
they don't care because they want you to keep trying to insert yourself. its the impossible puzzle. how can you get in when they wont let you. they are loving the drama and the misery they are causing you and they brag to others at how they keep trying to include you but your so ungrateful for the life they gave you blah blah

And, if all parties in the situation cannot even acknowledge that it may be hard, it then actually becomes impossible.
they don't want to acknowlege it. the whole point is that you keep running.
In fact I reckon if you ignored them for a year they would make the first move and if not then your a year away from the drama and closer to being happy without them

I have always been the one "doing their own thing" (with no mud-throwing) and am usually seen to be self-contained and self-sufficient. Oh, if only.

I try.

bless you GTC one day soon you will be happy
eta you keep judging their actions by what you would do, but they have a different set of rules for behaviour

suki1001

Having experienced a father who at some points in my life would do things like cross the road to avoid speaking to me, I can only say I feel a little bit of your pain.

I decided quite a long time ago after years of trying that I would concentrate on people who didn't do this and so I gave up trying to find out why, or make an effort and the relief I felt that I could get on with my life was like a weight that had lifted from me.

I would concentrate on your own life, this baggage is weighing you down. If you weren't related to these people you wouldn't bother with them. For some reason we feel compelled to make it work and if the effort doesn't come from the other side, you are left with heartache and a feeling that you're somehow not good enough, or to blame for the whole sorry affair. When in actual fact you don't deserve to feel this way in the slightest.

I hope you can put this behind you and leave it, and actually just let them come to you if they really want to, but as someone said, only when it's for positive reasons.

I guess it's easier for them to blame you because they can.