Mother from hell now has cancer.....

missprice

GotToChange wrote: »

Goodness - such warmth and helpfulness... I was a little afraid that I would be told that I should "get over myself"/"forget the past".... it is very "nice" to have my point of view seen. Thank you.

so many of us on here have had the same/similar thing and we have been through it and still going through it.

But she has her own issues with mother and She is 18 months younger than me and she grew up with mother, whereas I was sent to live with paternal g-parents. She and I met when Mother got in touch with me when I was 16
this may be a clue for you here. you have no idea what sis was told about you and your life but it may have been complete lies to get sis to sympathise with mother. so mum said 'oh your sis having a fab time with gparents and sis gets very jealous because her life is carp

and at which time, I found out that I (perfect stranger) had been used as the benchmark to measure D's failure - another clue to sis's life and what had been said by mother for control

it breaks my heart that we were separated - and the long term consequence of that); she on the other hand, seems to hate me - my mother - the father she has met once only (and who is also utterly vile to me - when he bothers, that is) and is distanced both literally and emotionally. In short, I will get no joy there I guess - and am almost afraid to try. ((Her last words to me were "Get a life" [and yes, she is 50 years old this year....])
although it sounds cruel that she has cut everyone out of her life maybe her mental health required it.
and having done this herself she just sees you as interfering when she just does not want to know about mother et al. plus once its done its easy to live with as she will know. because you dont have the attempts to control and can live your life happily without mother

Oh, I am rambling.

I have always believed that - if I were patient enough, obedient enough, quiet enough, understanding enough - that if I could say or do the right thing, just bl00dy well wait long enough - it would somehow "come good"; the sayings are wrong - you can miss what you have never had - and time does not always heal....
have you read the other thread? you will see this is common for many and some really good analogies to put it in perspective

the other thread mentioned with linky above is heartbreaking but brilliant in the strength other people have when they realise that their mother is actually toxic to them

GotToChange

misprice - thank you, you make a lot of sense.

Most especially about my sister and quite why she may have cut people out....

We did converse last year sometime - and I did see her point of view - and it took the wind out of her sails when I said to her that I was sorry, my view of mother/daughter relationships is warped by wishful thinking and rose-tinted hopes but that I wasn't in her shoes and shouldn't push my beliefs onto her.
But the oddest part is that she both allows and encourages her husband - who now works in the area - to visit her mother to "keep the lines of communication open"; she also visited the country herself over Easter (apparently) and met with K and E but not mother. So the cuttting off isn't absolute - it is weird and somehow controlling and cruel. I do not see two wrongs making a right here.

A few years ago she told me about things that happened to her when she was c. 11 and I was to keep it secret. WHICH I DID. She then told mother - because she thought I would say something (oh, OK....), which caused a sorry old mess between them - but somehow I am to blame.

Even if the cutting off is for her mental health, I would say that she isn't "cured".

missprice

GotToChange wrote: »

misprice - thank you, you make a lot of sense.

Most especially about my sister and quite why she may have cut people out....

We did converse last year sometime - and I did see her point of view - and it took the wind out of her sails when I said to her that I was sorry, my view of mother/daughter relationships is warped by wishful thinking and rose-tinited hopes but that I wasn't in her shoes and shouldn't push my beliefs onto her.
But the oddest part is that she both allows and encourages her husband - who now works in the area - to visit her mother to "keep the lines of communication open"; she also visited the country herself over Easter (apparently) and met with K and E but not mother. So the cuttting off isn't absolute - it is weird and somehow controlling and cruel. I do not see two wrongs making a right here.

A few years ago she told me about things that happened to her when she was c. 11 and I was to keep it secret. WHICH I DID. She then told mother - because she thought I would say something (oh, OK....), which caused a sorry old mess between them - but somehow I am to blame.

Even if the cutting off is for her mental health, I would say that she isn't "cured".

sure thing maybe she is having the same kind of problems you are cutting off from mother?
you seem to be having a hard time with your mother saying and doing things to make you upset
why not your sis too?

and I don't think anyone gets over the mental health issues, even now after 3 decades I miss the mother I should have had and deserved so much.
So I am still not 'cured' bl00dy wish I was:)

GotToChange

....continuing.....

Re. The "other" mother thread.

The thing is with what I am reading on there - is that these relationships have been awful, toxic, done more harm than good - every rotten thing that has happened....

BUT - they have happened because the parents/children actually "had a realtionship" of some description. I don't fit in with that because she and I did not have any kind of relationship until I was 16. I would like to say that we had something of one when I was 0-3 but I cannot remember it - and anything that I am told is hearsay....i.e. my grandmother told me bad things about my mother (which even if I took on board, did not colour my wish to have something to dowith her) - but only recently (January) my mother informed me that i) she would crouch over my crib to take the blows that my father would otherwise have rained down on me the infant - and b) that when I went into a temporary foster home, even the foster mother didn't want me.
I am not sure quite what telling me these things is meant to achieve.
Equally, my father only a couple of years ago, took great delight in disparaging the time he was marrried to my mother (which produced three children - me, D and a boy born after he had left and who was adopted straight out of an incuabtor and who I never even knew existed until I was 27) and flinging insults at the person she "was" then - even now - 50 bl00dy years later.... I ask you!

But - as it has turned out - I think I have, retrospectively, become something of "the scapegoat" -- although am sure D would say that she was.... I certainly feel responsible for all the problems, as had my then 17yo mother not fallen pregnant with me, none of it would have happened so in some tiny - and yet huge - way, it IS all my fault - I really should never have been born - and both my parents seem to want to ram that point home whenever - on the rare occasions - thay have anything to do with me. Ugh.
It is relatively (pun there) new to me to actually try to hate them - and I am not very consistent.

So - and this does sound sick - I am envious of ANY relationship with a mother - becuase it would actually mean that people were in one anothers' presence/lives - however bad.

That doesn't mean that I am unsympathetic - but I do, sadly, envy it.

GotToChange

missprice wrote: »

sure thing maybe she is having the same kind of problems you are cutting off from mother?
you seem to be having a hard time with your mother saying and doing things to make you upset
why not your sis too?

and I don't think anyone gets over the mental health issues, even now after 3 decades I miss the mother I should have had and deserved so much.
So I am still not 'cured' bl00dy wish I was:)

I'm sorry - did I come across as cold-blooded - I don't mean to. The problem with this issue is that I have, to an extent, taken my mother's side (huh?) because - in MY warped mind, no-body ever cuts off their mother - or any other family member, But D expressed her point of view and I tried to understand. We are very different people - but on occasion we have almost been able to read each other's minds. That is a loss that I feel quite keenly.

My use also of the word 'cured' was probably out of place too - I personally don't feel that I am 'cured' either- and only recently said that I will never feel OK until I have no parents..... which is all kinds of wrong.

It's true - they really do f**k you up.

I am so sad to hear that you too didn't have the mother you would have deserved - will I find some of your background on the other thread? I am interested to know more.

missprice

GotToChange wrote: »

I'm sorry - did I come across as cold-blooded - I don't mean to.
no you didn't I was just seeing it from sis side of things, because all the bad things that happed to you happened to her too but she had to live with it. am sure that she too has mixed feelings about her mother
The problem with this issue is that I have, to an extent, taken my mother's side (huh?) because - in MY warped mind, no-body ever cuts off their mother - or any other family member,
really read the other thread yes they DO cut off family
But D expressed her point of view and I tried to understand. We are very different people - but on occasion we have almost been able to read each other's minds. That is a loss that I feel quite keenly.
I have 2 half sisters and am not close to either of them sadly. one had same father different mother and I knew nothing of her til I was in my late teens and the other sis was adopted (same mother diff father and we have nothing in common. my mother told me all about her when I was about 10 and made her to be a saint but she new nothing about her life. I found that sis when I was 27 and she wanted to contact our mother. she will never be able to though so she too has issues and I cant help as I have no idea why she was adopted although I can guess

My use also of the word 'cured' was probably out of place too - I personally don't feel that I am 'cured' either- and only recently said that I will never feel OK until I have no parents..... which is all kinds of wrong.

It's true - they really do f**k you up.
ah so true see other thread

I am so sad to hear that you too didn't have the mother you would have deserved - will I find some of your background on the other thread? I am interested to know more.

thats ok I have found a really nice substitute and if I wasn't so old I would have asked her to adopt me:rotfl:

londonsurrey

GotToChange wrote: »

I have always believed that - if I were patient enough, obedient enough, quiet enough, understanding enough - that if I could say or do the right thing, just bl00dy well wait long enough - it would somehow "come good"; the sayings are wrong - you can miss what you have never had - and time does not always heal....

I feel for you. I have given them so much time and love and thousands upon thousands of pounds, waiting for it to "come good".
It was only when my very good friend looked at me, and said "!!!!!!, stop (metaphorically) writhing on the ground, crying and in pain". She helped me break out of the cycle of waiting for them, being such a good little sister/daughter.

My epiphany was a few months after the death of my much loved little brother. My mother was sitting on my sofa, and then she burst into tears, crying "They never loved me", meaning her parents.

I looked at her, this woman nearly then 60 years old, crying over what she didn't get (her parents loved her, but they favoured their only son over the three daughters), and thinking, "Not only did you have me, you had my little brother, who I loved and I know loved you truly. You had real love. Yet you insisted on focusing on what you didn't have over 3 decades ago, ignored what was in front of you right now and drove him to suicide. He was such a sweet child".

It was with such tired clarity that I saw her, thinking "You blew it. You really did". The woman had thrown away all her other chances in life.

It made me determined not to make the mistake she had. There are some people who are incapable of love, and to demand it from them is merely self destructive.

CH27

I really don't mean this to sound harsh but i've learnt from bitter experience you cannot change her. Beating yourself up constantly will only screw you up.

You cannot change the past but you can decide to live your life for yourself & not leave yourself open to any more hurt.

You can resolve never to treat people they way you have been treated.

There is no such thing as a perfect family. Every family has problems & nastiness.

GotToChange

I see absolutely where you are coming from. I sometimes externalise and when looking outside in, feel such an idiot, like a puppy waiting for scraps from the table..... and however appealing I try to be, it still doesn't work.

I cannot change what they do - even when I mildly successful, my father wanted to pull the rug from under my feet, which sent me back to square one. Then, after years of silence, he thought he could simply write (a sh1tty) letter to me out of the blue (but still witholding hos address, !!!!!!) - the inner turmoil that generrated lingers to this day (from June 2009 ). Even after exchanging c. 100 emails (no phone calls please.... and one sad little lunch....) all I get from him is - shut up/go away/change....;that is, when he is not deconstructing my emails paragraph by paragraph to point out where I am going wrong. Or mocking them. Or ignoring them.

He comes to England quite frequently but never gets in touch any longer; in February they came from France (I believe - thanks to my uncle rubbing my nose in it [trust me]) to visit one of his two sons (half-bros to me) for whom he has purchased an equestrian centre in Kent, for the birth of what he sees as his first grand-daughter.

I guess I am doomed to be the 60yo on the sofa, head in hands -heck, I am already the 51yo.
Which, identally, I never really thought I would be. Every day it hurts more.
Which I know is ridiculous.

And Iam so very sorry to hear that you brother killed himself; your mother's focus was in the wrong direction wasn't it.

sassyblue

Ok honey, here's my advice.... use this thread to vent and work through your feelings, you shouldn't be expelled for that (love the story about not filling in the boxes :rotfl:) best of all it's free and no waiting list. :j

It's clear your mother is a toxic person and hasn't raised her children without the love and respect she should have done, the way forward maybe to pity her rather than being upset (if you are)?

I also think the same as missprice, that she tormented your sister over your (seemingly better?) situation and l can't fault her way of dealing with your mother by ignoring her for it. It would be nice if you children stuck together but they may be more 'damaged' than you are and can only deal with it with the knowledge and experience they have.