Mother from hell now has cancer.....

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

GotToChange wrote: »

I think I will "go through" this with my mother until the day one or the other is in their coffin....:(; even I am now believing there is no hope.

I would understand someone lying to draw someone in - but to exclude them????

I admit that I too thought, "can they possibly say that it isn't terminal?" - I know there are different types but I didn't have the chance to ask her which she has been diagnosed with. Again, I would never think that a smoker would lie about such a thing - surely not.... (But then, just because I wouldn't...)

One of the other reasons that I wanted to offer an olive branch was because I have been in poor health myself (although nothing serious) and felt very much a need for a better relationship. I was only able to make a passing mention - but heaven help me had I been phoning her with news of any kind of serious illness of my own.

I took her rejection of me to also be a sly way of her saying (without saying) that should I ever need anything from her, there wouldn't be a snowball's chance in hell of her "being there" for me. (How much use would a chain smoking, non-driving, non-cooking, unsympathetic, unhouseproud, self-centred beeyatcch actually be...?)

/self-pity off.

Some people can do and say horrible things - making up 'I'm going to die' could get you in a right state and desperately trying to help, then you can be pushed away yet again, because they know you want to help.

It makes everything all about them, too.



Lung cancer does have a very, very poor prognosis. I didn't want to upset you further, but it is very common for it not to be diagnosed until it's in its later stages, as it can be very subtle right up to the last minute. I worked in a lung unit for a few months back in the 90's.

I did think 'it's not terminal' was complete ballcocks, but couldn't think how to word it without it sounding cruel and upsetting to you. My only tempering of this could be that if she has previously claimed she'd kill herself if she had cancer, one of the chosen relatives could have told the staff that there was a risk of selfharm/suicide and they had decided it was too risky to tell her the reality of the situation and had let her assume it's a little problem.

This meaness may evaporate if she realises that her prognosis isn't so good after all - but I wouldn't count on it, you'd more likely get a 'you weren't here at the beginning, you're useless' even then. and probably her telling everyone that you didn't want to know.



Concentrate on yourself, not her. Get yourself better.

Steel_2

I would try and get confirmation of her having lung cancer.

My narc father told everyone he had cancer in his leg which turned out to be a fatty cyst, but it took a good while to extract the truth from him.

Narcs are natural hypochondriacs because it helps make everything about them. They crave the attention and sympathy, and they also think it makes them appear to be more interesting colourful people.

I suspect that if you did grant her wish and stayed away she's be gathering sympathy from everyone behind your back about how her daughter has abandoned her.

Have you done any research on narcissism to see if this is what you're dealing with?

If she is indeed a narc, you need to get a strong support network around you to help you when you are ill because you'll get nothing from a narc - they view it as taking the limelight away from them. Some will berate you for being ill as a tactic to hurt them "how could you do this to me," they will say. "Don't you know how much pressure I'm under?" And some will reject you to your face and then use your illness as a way to gather sympathy from others and look like the caring concerned spouse/friend/parent/sibling.

Penny-Pincher!!

If she called you to say she has lung cancer then tells you she still wants nothing to do with you, then I think thats a very nasty thing for her to do to you! Why the need to tell you if not to be nasty?

She's just being selfish!

PP
x

happyhaddock_2

Hi gotochange, hope you are feeling ok this morning. It sounds like you are at the stage that prompted me to start my other thread. I was worried about what would happen if anything happened to mum, and I still felt the same way about her. There would be no sadness or crying from me and people would think I was very odd! I hate so say it but it would actually be a relief because it would stop the feelings of guilt for feeling that way.

It sounds to me as if you are the scapegoat, what was your childhood like? Did you feel like you were treated differently to your sister. I myself didn't notice the differences too much when we were young, but I knew things weren't 'normal'. It's only been more recently looking back that I can see how mum treated us completely different and actively tried to keep us apart so we couldn't compare stories.

I also hate to voice doubts about the cancer diagnosis, but this is what my dad died of (2years ago today actually!). It was only diagnosed in the very late stages, no visible symptoms prior, and from diagnosis to him passing away took just one week. I wouldn't like to say for certain that your mum is lying, but I doubt very much any doctor could say that it definately wasn't terminal. It would be a very cruel thing for her to do but not beyond the realms of possibility.

I hope you manage to find a way to deal with this as we are all different, but I will help in any way I can x

Amanda65

Hi Gottochange. I haven't read you're previous posts about your mother I am afraid so don't know the background but obviously realise she has let you down badly in the past and seems to continue to do so, despite several attempts on your part to hold out an olive branch.

I think my only observation would be that people tend to behave how you let them behave. I am not for one minute suggesting that you have done anything (particularly as a 3 year old child!) to warrant what appears to be an appalling lack of love and care from a mother, but as an adult it seems that your mother has learnt how to manipulate situations to her advantage and make you out to be the bad person and you 'let' her behave in this way to you by trying to build bridges and letting her knock them down again. Completely understandable but I am sure there is some truth in this.

Have you ever had any sort of counselling about this toxic relationship? If not it may help you to try and work out your true feelings to your mother and sister (as it seems your sister is part of the problem as well) and try and get some insight into how to deal with them.

I do not know whether your mother is ill or not but agree that caring for someone who has been so cruel in the hope (which must be there, however buried) for a deathbed reconciliation is only going to cause more hurt and anger for you. Your 'triumph' over your mother will be to have a happy life, surrounded by friends and family (OH / children if this is what you want) and if you do have children, being absolutely the best mother that you can be. Ultimately you will be the winner as you won't finish your days embittered and unhappy, as I am sure your mother will.

GotToChange

Goodness - such warmth and helpfulness... I was a little afraid that I would be told that I should "get over myself"/"forget the past".... it is very "nice" to have my point of view seen. Thank you.

As far as being able to establish whether or not the lc diagnosis is genuine - I have no way to do this. I am quite cut off from her - obviously - and all of that side of the family; I tried (before this health concern) to speak to my half-sister (about 6 yrs my junior) - but apart from us being on very different wavelengths, she has no interest in my (our) mother being kind to or interested in me and gives off a very "I'm all right Jack" approach. She has had a lifelong hobby that has required babysitting duties from my mother, which has meant that a strong bond has been forged with the grand-daughter also, strengthened by the building of the granny annexe when mother retired (but sadly her partner/half-sister's father then quite quickly died from a oesophogeal cancer/pneumonia).
So - anyway - after a (on my part) heartfelt conversation with K (half-sister), the closing line was "Don't leave it so long next time" - !!!!!!.
I have no idea how to actually speak to her without my mother knowing and she would not be of much use anyway. The last time I saw her (when I visited on M/Day 2011), I had to - simply because I was visiting my mother - put up with her being there too (she could have stayed in her side of the house.....), together with her lesbian lover, both of them drunk after a darts (the hobby) afternoon in the pub, accompanied by her 16yo daughter who quite simply thinks she is the bees knees....

There seems no way of separating out the relationship I have tried to have with my mother - and my mother now agressively says that I cannot have a relationship with her without involvement with them and now that I have been mean to E (the g/daughter), well, "That's IT!!!!" *sigh*

There is another ("real" - we have the same father) sister, D. But she has her own issues with mother and has in fact done the disowning - several times over the last few years. It really is quite ugly. She is also very like the mother - sharp-tongued, cruel, grudge-holding, spiteful and able to cut people off and out with absolute finality (i.e. me). I have sent her a text message about this as, apparently, she - via her husband - has been informed and yet has not been in contact at all. But she is - as usual - ignoring me. She lives overseas - and her last communication with me (when I asked her "why disown mother?") was to tell me to eff-off and that SHE also never wanted to speak to me again). She is 18 months younger than me and she grew up with mother, whereas I was sent to live with paternal g-parents. She and I met when Mother got in touch with me when I was 16 (which she has said that she now regrets/wishes she had never done), and I was expected to just "become a member of the family" - by visiting occasionally (?????) and at which time, I found out that I (perfect stranger) had been used as the benchmark to measure D's failure - even though nobody knew much of anything about me or my living circumstances. So, in effect, my sister hated me on sight - compounded further by the fact that my (our) father had stayed to some degree (and quite cruelly as it happened) in my life and yet had never seen her - ever. (Although she did have the stepfather.... but then he preferred not only his own son who he brought into the family but of course, the daughter (K, the half-sister) that he and my mother had together. I do feel sorry that that happened to my sister - and it breaks my heart that we were separated - and the long term consequence of that); she on the other hand, seems to hate me - my mother - the father she has met once only (and who is also utterly vile to me - when he bothers, that is) and is distanced both literally and emotionally. In short, I will get no joy there I guess - and am almost afraid to try. ((Her last words to me were "Get a life" [and yes, she is 50 years old this year....])

Oh, I am rambling.

As for counselling. *sigh* Well. Deemed too complex for counselling per se (i.e. that which is offered via the GP practice), I waited around eight months for Psychology to take me on. Having seen a man who specialises in CBT, I am about to be 'fired' I think - as he is so insistent that I fill in boxes on forms detailing how I felt in a particular instance.... I have found this frustrating and tried to get this across - but am now labelled defensive and reluctant to engage in this type of help. I was required to pour out my entire history - and some of the present "awfulness" at the first session - but am now hardly "allowed" to mention the whole "family" cr*p - as, "CBT focuses on behaviour, not relationships; for that you need CAT". I have now been told to go away and decide which way forward I want to take but I sense his frustration very much am not sure how to carry on with this (if CBT is even appropriate) and yet cannot face the whole spilling my story again (yes, despite my tendency to blurt it all out on here ) as I end up a snivelling, self-pitying, whining wreck who cannot manage to pull hereself together for days afterwards.

I have always believed that - if I were patient enough, obedient enough, quiet enough, understanding enough - that if I could say or do the right thing, just bl00dy well wait long enough - it would somehow "come good"; the sayings are wrong - you can miss what you have never had - and time does not always heal....

/soooooo sorry for length. I forgive anyone for not reading all the way through - and hope that I can be forgiven for such a self-pitying, self-centred essay.
(Wish there was a spellcheck facility).

sassyblue

What's your relationship with your half-sister like? Can she shed any light on your mothers behaviour or does she assist her in basking in the attention to exclude you?

I too would question whether she has cancer and agree that she won't be told 'it's not terminal' as you cannot predict what's going to happen.

pukkamum

When my emotionally abusive and very cruel, but very strangely much loved by me step-father died suddenly i was devastated.
I grieved for a long time, some of it for the fact that i hadn't been able to say all the things i wanted to, such as how much he hurt me and ruined my childhood, and some that i never managed to make him love me, something i was desperate for.

Then about a year later i woke feeling lighter and happier than i had ever felt, and i realised that as he was dead i could let it go. I no longer had to see him and bite my tongue or wonder if he ever thought about what he did to me.
I'm not saying you will be glad if your mum dies, maybe i'm saying that if she is it's time to tell her things you may have been bottling up, in fact i'm not sure what i am saying, but i am thinking of you and hope you can resolve or at least come to terms with it. xxxx

Taadaa

I can't comment from experience, but my first thought was : wow its like she wants the ultimate revenge - to deny you the ability to help in her hour of need, and if she doesn't survive, to deny you the chance to ever reconcile. Very spiteful. My second thought was - does she have it at all? In either case I'd say you have done your bit to try to repair the relationship - your conscience is clear.

GotToChange

sassyblue wrote: »

What's your relationship with your half-sister like? Can she shed any light on your mothers behaviour or does she assist her in basking in the attention to exclude you?

I too would question whether she has cancer and agree that she won't be told 'it's not terminal' as you cannot predict what's going to happen.

Thank you sassyblue for asking. MY relationship with K is detailed in my long post which I think I may have been in the midst of when you asked the question. In short - porbably a bit of a non-starter. The second part of your question is probably on the money - although "basking in the attention" makes me smile a little. My mother is not a person to lavish attention on anybody; rather they have a symbiotic relationship which has benefits for all parties.

For certain, she (K) coould not have reached the dizzying heights that she has in the darts world without the babysitting skills of my mother and s/father - and equally, my mother would have had nowhere to live upon her retirement, having worked for the National Trust for a lifetime, she and M had actually managed to save a big fat nothing so the granny annexe was actually something of a necessity as they would have had noweher to live when they left the cottage that was connected to the job (which they could have stayed in but at NT rental rates....). The extension was made possible by K divorcing her husband who owned the council house that she now lives in and has extended. She then "became" gay. (Her father never knew.)

The g/daughter though does bask in such attention as there may be - or somehow thinks she is something special as she has the g/mother on hand (even though she actually does very little "for" her) and also the aunt (sister D) who comes over from the Canaries and takes her on holiday with her and her family..... (jealousy alert maybe????) When I saw that she was insulting and laughing at her "gma" (my mother) on twitter, I wrote a short letter to her to tell her to stop. She actually responded on twitter (!!!!!!), defending herself in some way; it was awful. I would have preferred mother to never know about it - but she was told by E (I cannot imagine how that conversation went....) - although I am willing to bet that she was never told what was actually said, just that "Aunt" C had been awful and should have something better to do that follow a 17 yo on twitter (trust me, I never signed up as a "follower" - her smug, self-congratulatory, POINTLESS tweets were actually nauseating - but the insults to her grandmother made my blood boil). Again - *sigh*. My mother thinks that I was just being rotten to E because she (mother) has never had anything to do with my daughter (L) - who is now nearly 24; it's not true - I just find E to be a show-off and self-centred, it's quite simple.
(Which is more than can be said for my writings.)

As for the use of the word "terminal" - although I cannot see my mother "saving my feelings" - possibly she is lying - to me - about the prognosis. But not the diagnosis....
Just a thought.