Mother from hell now has cancer.....

GotToChange

Thanks sassyblue -

- to your final point asking whether I bring it up, the answer is - a resounding "No" - a thousand times, No. I have never been allowed to - so him saying it is, in one sense, same ol' same ol'. (Deflection.)

He is afraid that I will - and from any point when I may have wished to (probably as I was about 14-15), he has blocked any mention - as even then, to him, it was ancient history.

The elephant in the room IS simply the fact that I didn't have a (for the time) "normal" childhood - and that my connection with him is never going to be the same as had I had two parents blah blah. That is all I am saying there does not have to be any greatanalysis of it - just no more attempts to make me block out my entire existence - as it sometimes seems. When we had lunch in 2010, the tone of his voice was quite threatenening when he said "there must be no mention of your history" (!!!!!!) " - and then we will be fine"; remember THIS is without me saying a word; I can do shallow and light-hearted - it just leaves a nasty taste.

I wrote that the year before last - I should imagine he believes (given that he had written me off again - in no small part due to the fact that *smiles*, I did not reply quickly enough to an email that he sent....) himself to have squashed that intention of mine. And of course he has - along with making himself incommunicado again; however, what would it be like if HE wanted to talk about it; what if I was a chip of this old block and told him to shut up and go away? (rhetorical)

I only try (tried, probably once only) to get across to him that I cannot be a daughter who "grew up with him" because I didn't - there is no shared history; the fact there is a shared bloodline is not what matters the most, but a shared understanding that depends on a feeling of common ground. And that is almost impossible to fake - but is what he wants - when he isn't either trying to disown me or insiting that simply breathing the same air and listening to his/their family reminiscences is a privelige for me (and my 8yo).

Much as I would love to have gone through things with either of them - it has never happened and- despite what his letter (again - after years of no contact, not me battering his door down or bombarding him with letters insiting he review a time that he has actually airbrushed out of his life), he has never gone back on his wish that I shut the eff up about "my" past - because it certainly isn't his (he thinks). And they have certainly never allowed me to express an adult "take" on it - that I, as a parent and a person progressing through life, may have a different viewpoint than the child or sullen teenager that I once was. It isn't me who has failed to move on.

He would never allow me to show any weakness and makes every effort (and succeeds/ largely) to shake off anything unpleasant like a dog shaking itself as it comes out of the sea. He is not a person who would comfort or advise and even though he is probably happiest in himself, he would never share any understanding, insight or sympathy.

When he remarried the first time, I was probably 5 or 6 and really wanted to call his wife "Mummy Mxxxxxxx" - and even though this was allowed, a short time later, he sat in the car with me and told me that I must not call him Daddy, but Sxxxxx. I have not managed it yet.

missprice

on that last note GTC I was never allowed to call my mother mum, mummy or ma or any other derivative. I had to call her by name.
she was trying to be posh and of course she could either say I was her daughter and dwell on how/good/bad/ungrateful I was or deny I was her daughter.

and as for your dad again its an age thing among his other problems and failings. Back then Men were MEN and feelings were not allowed, and just because we have all moved on and now men can be more than just MEN does not mean he has to change. plus if he spent time in Canada as you say then still over there Men are MEN.

I still think your looking for the big dramatic showdown where you tell all the nasty things they did and they fall at your feet sobbing and asking forgiveness. as thats not going to happen (evidenced by there dealings with you so far) then what is it you want from them.?
you have established many times that they don't care and would prefer to pretend you never existed.
if all you want is a place to say all the bad things then go for it.
if you want empathy then you have it
if you want the big showdown, forget it.
and as for your counseling/therapy then I would say ask for someone else. if the eyes glaze over then the therapist is not overly interested and a good one should know that to talk over something as many times as needed is the best therapy for anyone.

ETA that sounds like I am not interested I sure as hell am I just want you to explain what it is you want then you may get somewhere to finding it

GotToChange

well, I wish I knew what I want(ed)....

I cannot understand a mother refusing to be called mummy etc. (and my whole daddy thing) - did you manage to call her by her name (which I don't actually see as posh)??

I would never have wanted a showdown - and I wouldn't even know how tointeract with these people any more. Too much time has passed - and not enough has happened for me to believe that we could even speak sensibly, let alone with any depth of feeling.

Let's just say that it was only recently that I uttered my darkest wish - and, if my mother is suffereing from lc and she was lying about the prognosis not the illness, then one may come true sooner than I thought.
(waits for lightning bolt to strike.....)

Other than that, I want the strength to continue as I have done so far; despite this mammoth thread (and my greatest appreciation to everybody), I can "get over" them, what has happened and how they are. I cannot have my deepest wish - that I have been adopted right out of the situation but I do actually thank them for giving me at least some small ability to see a whole other side of life's rich pattern that I would not have had I had the security and love that I shall probably die still wishing for but have resigned myself to never having.

missprice

GotToChange wrote: »

well, I wish I knew what I want(ed)....
fair do's

I cannot understand a mother refusing to be called mummy etc. (and my whole daddy thing) - did you manage to call her by her name (which I don't actually see as posh)??
I only ever called her by name and sometimes added aunty. so I always managed. I found it odd that others called there mum, and I don't see it as posh, more pretentious

I would never have wanted a showdown - and I wouldn't even know how tointeract with these people any more. Too much time has passed - and not enough has happened for me to believe that we could even speak sensibly, let alone with any depth of feeling.

Let's just say that it was only recently that I uttered my darkest wish - and, if my mother is suffereing from lc and she was lying about the prognosis not the illness, then one may come true sooner than I thought.
(waits for lightning bolt to strike.....)
and as yet no lightening bolt because its not unusual to dislike your mother:T

Other than that, I want the strength to continue as I have done so far; despite this mammoth thread (and my greatest appreciation to everybody), I can "get over" them, what has happened and how they are. I cannot have my deepest wish - that I have been adopted right out of the situation but I do actually thank them for giving me at least some small ability to see a whole other side of life's rich pattern that I would not have had I had the security and love that I shall probably die still wishing for but have resigned myself to never having.

this thread is no where near mammoth see DT for them:rotfl:
And I seriously doubt that you will be on your deathbed wishing for a mother because by then you WILL have got over this its just a blip in the landscape of life

spirit

GTC did you watch Long Lost Family last night?

There was the woman whose mother abandoned her and she never heard from her again. The mother left the 17 month old in her cot completely alone and it wasn't until much later in the day when a neighbour heard her cries and alterted someone.

anyway, my point is that this mother disappeared, had 2 more children and did the same to them. This second family tried to trace her some years before and they did actually find her. The outcome wasn't brilliant there either. Seemingly the mother wasn't really interested.

Davina (McCall) made the point that some people just aren't cut out to be mothers. In their generation, babies just kind of happened after marriage.

This certainly applies to my mother who couldn't mother her way out of a wet paper bag.

I suspect this is probably the root of the issue with your mother too.

to add, my 'story' or bits of it are on happyhaddock's thread about NM's

GotToChange

^ spirit -

whenever I look at the NM thread, I feel as though I have been so self-absorbed and at the same time, shocked when I read of other people's experiences. I also feel so inadequate when I consider how I seem to have been stuck "in" this for my entire life.

I avoid LLF - for fear of ending up either envying those who do experience a joyous reunion or the sorrow of someone for whom it doesn't work out....

I am not sure that my mother was/is cut out to be a mother, I do know that becoming one happened to soon for her (and him), so it is understandable if she has issues. It is hard to have "forgiven" someone for this though - and have them reject your forgiveness/understanding/attempt to see their point of view and for it to be turned on it's head and blamed on the child.

Again, if not maternal, why do people go on popping babies out I wonder.....
(...after having one child, when asked if I wanted another/more, I would tell them I'd sooner have a puppy )

Boots888

GotToCHange,

I feel for you. Seems like your mother has managed to make you feel inadequate throughout your life.

My Mum died of lung cancer and my father has survived (twice) thyroid cancer so I have some knowledge of both circumstance.

As others have said the diagnosis of lung cancer is often too late and hence the prognosis is often poor.

That your mum decided to share this with you, I'm not sure what her agenda is. All I will say, like others have said is to take control and do what you feel is right, but I would never let anything go left unsaid.

Be compassionate but strong, offer to be there should she need you but make it clear you will not be left behind with feelings of guilt. You want her to pass away without pain, and / but you want her to wish you well in your life.

It's clear she has a monopoly over you still and you'd be best not to have any regrets in the future and allow her to go without you having some oportunity to clear up current issues and lay to rest any future doubts that might arise in your mind.

spirit

GotToChange wrote: »

^ spirit -


I avoid LLF - for fear of ending up either envying those who do experience a joyous reunion or the sorrow of someone for whom it doesn't work out....

I am not sure that my mother was/is cut out to be a mother, I do know that becoming one happened to soon for her (and him), so it is understandable if she has issues. It is hard to have "forgiven" someone for this though - and have them reject your forgiveness/understanding/attempt to see their point of view and for it to be turned on it's head and blamed on the child.

Again, if not maternal, why do people go on popping babies out I wonder.....
(...after having one child, when asked if I wanted another/more, I would tell them I'd sooner have a puppy )

I would imagine that ITV would only want to show their success stories, for every one that ends up this way I should imagine there are 2 more that don't.

I'm in my early fifties and when I was conceived, I think that it wasn't so much of a choice that you and I had whether to become parents or not. My NM had 3 of us, my elder sister is 18 months older than me and then my younger sister is 8 years younger. NM and dad had a stormy relationship and I often remember physical fights between them. I guess there must have been a lull in that which resulted in YS (and I'm glad she came along since we are now very close)

GotToChange

Boots888 wrote: »

GotToCHange,

I feel for you. Seems like your mother has managed to make you feel inadequate throughout your life.

My Mum died of lung cancer and my father has survived (twice) thyroid cancer so I have some knowledge of both circumstance.

As others have said the diagnosis of lung cancer is often too late and hence the prognosis is often poor.

That your mum decided to share this with you, I'm not sure what her agenda is. All I will say, like others have said is to take control and do what you feel is right, but I would never let anything go left unsaid.

Be compassionate but strong, offer to be there should she need you but make it clear you will not be left behind with feelings of guilt. You want her to pass away without pain, and / but you want her to wish you well in your life.

It's clear she has a monopoly over you still and you'd be best not to have any regrets in the future and allow her to go without you having some oportunity to clear up current issues and lay to rest any future doubts that might arise in your mind.

I don't think she actually would have told me - she did say that she "only" told me so that I couldn't say that she hadn't (?) Apparently, there is a letter that is now not going to be sent to me - and I doubt it ever would have been....

I am "off the hook" in terms of any kind of help or care; and quite how I would have been able to help her with good grace is another question.

I am sure that if I made any attempt to clear up current/past issues, I would be given short shrift/shown the door (I was thrown out of her house when I raised an eyebrow at the colour of my half-sister's kitchen*; she said that I had only gone to cause an argument *sigh*) - I am sure that I will never get the chance now - and I have to be OK with that.





*This would not be so bad if we were to "make up after a while - but no, I am cut off again.... no phoning, no cards, no (this is NOT unusual) invite or visit at Christmas. Yawn.

System

I am not sure that my mother was/is cut out to be a mother

I think my Mother was pushed into having kids by my Father. They were married 10 years before they had their first child (me).

Again, bowing down to pressure by my Dad, they had my brother.

She often has said in the past she would have been happy if she hadnt had children.

When i look at how my Mother brought me up i can see her own upbringing. She was the youngest child. One of three, there were two girls and one eldest son. The girls cooked and cleaned house and the son didnt really have a role except rub Grandad up the wrong way.