leaving children for 6 months

GracieP

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Having a child dependent upon you does not mean that your entire life gets put on hold for 20 years. It's perfectly possible to raise a child and pursue your career.

There is a massive, massive difference between having a career and not being there for your children. I've already detailed that we will still make sacrifices for my husband to pursue a career he loves (I'm a novelist so I can work from anywhere) but going off on a cruise ship is the latter.

But with respect, it's your opinion that being at home with the kids every day is the normal way to do it. In my wider family it's the norm to send children away to boarding school around the age of 8 so they certainly aren't under the same roof as their parents on a day-to-day basis.....however they did know they could rely on their parents and oddly none of them grew up into dysfunctional freaks with broken parental relationships.

Nope, it's not just my opinion, opinions are subjective. It's an objective fact, shown up in study after study after study that children thrive best when living full-time with both their parents. It doesn't mean that a child will definitely have no problems if their parents are with them, nor those it mean they will definitely have problems if their parents don't. But it does mean that the odds of them having problems are quite a lot greater. And in the OPs case where only a few months ago her marriage was having extremely serious problems and her son was (apparently coincidently but most likely as a result of his parents' problem) having serious behavioural issues, then the odds of this trip of hers causing damage to at least one of her children are higher again.

DuckEggGingham

I have not read the whole thread yet so apologies if I repeat what someone else may have said.

My husband has regularly been away for 6 months at a time ever since my children were small, they are now teens. We are a forces family so our 6 months separations brought a lot of other mental pressures with it to depending on where he deployed. I also know a lot of female soldiers with children who have also done 6 month tours.

My husband is very much a hands on dad. His role in our family life is on par with mine. We are both completely equal in this house and neither one of us is "more important" when it comes to caring for the kids. He is still their dad and a very hands on one to when he is away, decisions etc are still made with his full input, he never stops being their dad. It would be the same if I was the one that went away.

My children's relationship with their dad has never been harmed by the separations. If anything its even more precious as they do not take for granted the fact he is home lol

I guess what I am trying to say is their dad is just as important to them as I am and my husband feels about our children just as strongly as I do and feels the same hurt, doubt, sadness about going away just as much as I would...yet here we are, a "typical" close family with normal up and downs. Separations have not dented our family.

Sorry for the ramble. lol

DuckEggGingham

thebaileys wrote: »

As a mother there is no way I would ever leave my child for 6 months.

When you have children they should be your number one priority, it may be your dream job but you will miss out on so much...

Our children are my husbands number one priority as their father he is just as important as myself in their lives. His going away for 6 months at a time does not make our children any less of a priority to him.

Welshwoofs

GracieP wrote: »

Nope, it's not just my opinion, opinions are subjective. It's an objective fact, shown up in study after study after study that children thrive best when living full-time with both their parents. It doesn't mean that a child will definitely have no problems if their parents are with them, nor those it mean they will definitely have problems if their parents don't. But it does mean that the odds of them having problems are quite a lot greater.

Well yes, I realise that it's currently quite fashionable for psychologists to bash boarding schools and single parent households but I can't imagine that many true scientific, controlled studies have been done. Though if you have any to link to I'd be more than happy to read them.

And in the OPs case where only a few months ago her marriage was having extremely serious problems and her son was (apparently coincidently but most likely as a result of his parents' problem) having serious behavioural issues, then the odds of this trip of hers causing damage to at least one of her children are higher again.

I don't know about the Op's past but she's said in this thread that any issues she has are no longer a problem and given that nobody on this thread is her personal psychologist we can only go by what she's stated.

Frankly I wondered why she actually bothered posting the question because she was always going to get a right good kicking for even contemplating going.

Person_one

GracieP wrote: »

Nope, it's not just my opinion, opinions are subjective. It's an objective fact, shown up in study after study after study that children thrive best when living full-time with both their parents. It doesn't mean that a child will definitely have no problems if their parents are with them, nor those it mean they will definitely have problems if their parents don't. But it does mean that the odds of them having problems are quite a lot greater. And in the OPs case where only a few months ago her marriage was having extremely serious problems and her son was (apparently coincidently but most likely as a result of his parents' problem) having serious behavioural issues, then the odds of this trip of hers causing damage to at least one of her children are higher again.

What she said.

(I'll do a journal search, see what I can find.)

GracieP

DuckEggGingham wrote: »

Our children are my husbands number one priority as their father he is just as important as myself in their lives. His going away for 6 months at a time does not make our children any less of a priority to him.

And did your husband go away for 6 months for the very first time a few months after your marriage went through an extremely rough patch, including incidences of domestic violence, and one of your children experiencing simultaneous behavioural issues? Because if that's not the case you are comparing apples with sheep.

It's best to read through the thread before commenting.

Seanymph

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/7861762.stm

there you go.

The aggressive pursuit of personal success by adults is now the greatest threat to British children, a major independent report on childhood says.


"Children with separate, single or step parents are 50% more likely to fail at school, have low esteem, be unpopular with other children and have behavioural difficulties, anxiety or depression," it argues.
"Child-rearing is one of the most challenging tasks in life and ideally it requires two people," the report concludes.It also suggests that having many more working mothers has contributed to the damage done to children.

Person_one

WW, as a test, are you able to view this?


http://man-fe.hosted.exlibrisgroup.com/primo_library/libweb/action/display.do?frbrVersion=3&tabs=detailsTab&ct=display&fn=search&doc=TN_sciversesciencedirect_elsevierS0022-3956(10)00215-3&indx=8&recIds=TN_sciversesciencedirect_elsevierS0022-3956(10)00215-3&recIdxs=7&elementId=7&renderMode=poppedOut&displayMode=full&frbrVersion=3&dscnt=1&frbg=&scp.scps=scope%3A(MU_DRL_DS)%2Cscope%3A(MU)%2Cprimo_central_multiple_fe&tab=local&dstmp=1334750848706&srt=rank&mode=Basic&dum=true&vl(freeText0)=separation%20from%20parents&vid=MU_VU1

lostinrates

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Well yes, I realise that it's currently quite fashionable for psychologists to bash boarding schools and single parent households but I can't imagine that many true scientific, controlled studies have been done. Though if you have

I do think some problems were more evident at my boarding schools, but i also think some strengths were.

Peoe want it both ways: that boarding schools hot house for success and that separation will stunt success. The truth is never that simple.

I am very, very sure being at hopme would not have been as good for me, or others in my family. I am also pretty sure that the courage i had to engage in different things early in adult life was bolstered by my experience of living in different countries to my parents and not worried about not being in touch with them.

Similarly in adult hood mybhusband and i have a situation where he works from home four nights a week, or longer. Yet we have a very, very close marriage, one of the best i have seen.

Going away for six months does not mean the children 'lose' their mother entirely, just that contact is different for a difined period of time.


I do think op would do well to reflect on other people's experience and look into the contract and training issues someone raised, and consider the negative impacts this might have with as much strength as the positive ones.

DuckEggGingham

GracieP wrote: »

And did your husband go away for 6 months for the very first time a few months after your marriage went through an extremely rough patch, including incidences of domestic violence, and one of your children experiencing simultaneous behavioural issues? Because if that's not the case you are comparing apples with sheep.

It's best to read through the thread before commenting.

Oops! I am sorry, I did not think to do a background analysis of the op before posting our experiences based on the simple question that was asked today.

Thanks for the advice regarding reading threads before commenting, how far would you suggest I go back in time before commenting in the future?

I was basing my answer on the question I read in the first post!

But to answer your question, we are luckily enough to not of gone through the things you have highlighted though we have been through some very, very tough times and loss of loved ones whilst separated but as you say, that's comparing apples to sheep.