Help - I need to tell my husband about my Debt

Stevev99

I remember as if it were yesterday when I told my wife about the debts I'd run up and coming on here and opening up about how it'd gone.....which I have to say was horrible since I felt so stupid and almost childish for losing control of my finances and thinking I could sort them out myself.

My DMP finished last month after 4 long years and my wife was very supportive but I can honestly say she still doesn't trust me and I don't blame her at all. She has never had a CC in her life and saves for everything...as far as she's concerned I betrayed her!

If we had any little husband/wife arguments over the last 4 years, the debt thing always came hurtling towards me and I had no counter for it....but saying that...my debt hurt my wife and my marriage incredibly...but we are still together and stronger now in some ways. She doesn't trust me over money and I accept that, but getting through it together was the only way to deal with it.

I'm sure your conversation with your partner will go fine but be aware it'll be very hard for them to take, but if they think enough of you...they'll help you through it.

eyeopener2

Stevev99 wrote: »

I remember as if it were yesterday when I told my wife about the debts I'd run up and coming on here and opening up about how it'd gone.....which I have to say was horrible since I felt so stupid and almost childish for losing control of my finances and thinking I could sort them out myself.

My DMP finished last month after 4 long years and my wife was very supportive but I can honestly say she still doesn't trust me and I don't blame her at all. She has never had a CC in her life and saves for everything...as far as she's concerned I betrayed her!

If we had any little husband/wife arguments over the last 4 years, the debt thing always came hurtling towards me and I had no counter for it....but saying that...my debt hurt my wife and my marriage incredibly...but we are still together and stronger now in some ways. She doesn't trust me over money and I accept that, but getting through it together was the only way to deal with it.

I'm sure your conversation with your partner will go fine but be aware it'll be very hard for them to take, but if they think enough of you...they'll help you through it.

Similar story here, I have a 18 months left on my DMP. My wife found out and then I was forced to confess everything. This resulted in me leaving home for a short time but we are stronger now. Money is more straightforward as we discuss everything. We have less due to my DMP but live better lives, strange but true.

Good luck, after the initial shouting or sulking i'm sure he will be fine. It's a shock but you will be able to work through it.

E2

jon1965

Hi
Really not sure what to say
I guess that one question is "what is the absolute worst that can happen" and i think for you that it's that he would go.
However you are making yourself ill, you have said you sometimes wish you wouldn't wake up. Been there done that but was too much of a coward, still sometimes wish i wasn't but on the whole am glad .
When it all came out, my sister confessed that on several occasions her hubby had bailed her out and I have never seen a more volatile relationship...but he did and he loves her.
Some people do find it hard to understand but then some people have no real concept of prices, my OH doesn't drive and does not comprehend how much petrol and running a car costs. Equally he buys all the reduced stuff from the supermarket, yet we throw out a criminal amount of food but he can't see that we are actually wasting money.

Anyway less of me and more of you, you tell or you don't. If you don't is ther a way out without being stupid (he really then would find out and be even more hurt) or do you just spill. It will be hard but I am sure in th elong run it will be worth it.

I will be glib and say if he doesn't understand he doesn't deserve you but I am painfully aware that it is not that simple. Both my partners in my life have been controlling..it dawned on me th eother day that my OH has turned into my Dad.

determined_new_ms

S&S I read your post earlier. My gut reaction (and still the one I have after a whole days work) is you are married its a partnership, for better or for worse. I really hope that in ur anxiety about this it seems a lot larger than life. I can't imagine a situation I would find myself in that I wouldn't be able to turn to my oh and ask for help.

Yes he may well be shocked, confused, and angry because of these feelings, but if he really is so angry that your 10 year marriage would be over then is that what you want from your husband? I'm so sorry I hope I'm not talking out of line. You deserve someone who forgives you your mistakes.

I totally agree with imagine the worse case scenario, make peace with it and then go forward. If its the worst you are prepared for it (and if that is the actuality you will cope and deal with it. Life rarely sends us more than we can cope with) and you never know the man you though was good enough to spend your life with may just well surprise you x

loops87

Hello
Don't really know what to say, but good luck, and I'm sorry you're sad, but whatever happens, if you do decide to tell him, at least it'll be out in the open - nothing worse than that guilty feeling. Like others have said, I really hope it goes much better than you fear, and let us know how it goes xxx

Mrs_Trouble

Your thread really struck a chord with me - almost a year ago I was in the same position as you but with over £70k of debt - my husband knew we were in debt but not by that amount. I had wanted to tell him for years but became too frightened as the debt escalated out of control.

I wrote him a letter, prepared a speech etc but then he found out before I had the chance to tell him. It has been a v v difficult 12 months however we are together, he has never asked me to leave. He was very hurt that I couldn't go to him as his Wife and tell him the problem, and felt incredibly deceived. He also said that had I set up a DMP (which I am now on) and then gone to him he would have felt less like it became a mess he had to clean up. He would have much preferred that I had told him myself before he found out.

I completely agree with Steve's post - every argument we have and money is thrown back into my face. I wonder what we will argue about when we have no debt? However, him finding out meant that I no longer had to hide the post, worry that his phone calls meant that he had found out and best of all I started to sleep at night. I feel terrible that I know he is stressed about money now and will not settle until it is paid off but I do feel better knowing that it is being sorted and that we do have a brighter future.

It has taught both of us a lesson however, that marriage means you deal with things together. He never kept an eye on money, never wondered how we paid for things and ultimately had to accept responsibility for burying his head in the sand a little too. I think he was also very sad that I was scared to talk to him about money. I still struggle to tell him if things are tight but I am learning, and he is learning to check bank balances and open the post and take more responsibility for finances.

I completely understand the sheer worry you will be going through, it will be a tough few weeks after you tell him but it will get better and you can start to live your life without this stress.

In all the time I was hiding this secret and stressing, my husband actually thought I was having an affair as I was so edgy and upset all the time. I think he felt (only very slightly!) relieved once he found out the truth.

Please don't put off telling him but I think you need to explain to him why you felt you couldn't ask him for help with money as that is the root problem as well. Also having a plan in place may make him realise that you are not asking him to solve it for you but that you are trying to sort it out for yourself.

I do now strongly believe that if you are married you have to be so honest about money as it can cause so many problems.

Good luck x

Barbeduk

Ooh this is a hard one. I read your thread last night and woke up thinking about your comments, especially about your husband who comes across as a bit of a b to be honest.
I hope you don't mind me saying this but you say he is very dominating and I have 2 thoughts about this. Firstly, is this a balance of power that you enjoy or do you want an equal relationship? Secondly (and this sounds really mean) is he really dominating or is it that you are passive to the point of not taking control of things? I only make the second point because my husband behaves like this, it absolutely drives me mad and means that I have to take responsibility for everything or it doesn't get done. Which means that I probably come across as bossy and hard.:(
I really hope that you were able to tell him last night and that you have started down the road to becoming debt free. The only thing you can't do is nothing, but you already know that. It just seems from your posts that you also need to resolve things in your relationship too.

Good luck, you can do it.

DanDan18

I've been in the same situation but with my parents. And trust me, no matter how good you think you are at hiding everything, with that amount of debt he is bound to find out somehow. I'd suggest you sit down and talk with him, maybe he can take out a loan on your behalf and you can pay that back to him each month. That is the agreement that i have come to with my dad. It's a tough situation, but i wish i was honest in the first instance. I'm sure your husband would be more mad if you continue to lie to him rather than be honest.

suburbanwifey

ScaredandStupid wrote: »

There can only be two outcomes, he either walks or he helps, he has the money to pay all this debt of but that is not the answer.The reason I have got into the mess is becuase it has spiralled out of control from one month where I had overspent and was too scared to ask him.

You're obviously living on the breadline, not enough income to cover your outgoings and a decent standard of living, which you would be expected to be having, living with/married to a high earner.

Can I ask, why you don't pool your money and share everything as couples should? you've been a couple 10 years, that's a substantial amount of time. I've been married almost 25 years now and from day one (before we married or even lived together etc) our money was pooled, we shared every penny from the day we became a couple. We don't see who brings in what or from where, wherever it comes from and earned by whoever, its OURS, as it should be in all couples. You are a family, why are you not sharing the money he earns, thereby not needing to go into debt to get by ???

Whilst your dishonesty is wrong, him earning a lot and it not being pooled as family money is also wrong. I question a relationship with a high earning man who keeps his money separate from his other half, why is that? I would be asking him that when I sat down at the table to tell him the mess you are now in and a portion of the blame of that I would put on him.

If he leaves you, frankly honey, you are better off without him. If he leaves over this, he isn't worth it.

Face him, explain that you don't earn enough to manage and then ask him why he feels the need to keep his high earning all to himself when you are a family and have been for a decade now.

GOOD LUCK! and don't feel bad, I don't see this as all your fault, I am apportioning blame to him too, as you should. You shouldn't have been in this situation in the first place!

suburbanwifey

ScaredandStupid wrote: »

There can only be two outcomes, he either walks or he helps, he has the money to pay all this debt of but that is not the answer.The reason I have got into the mess is becuase it has spiralled out of control from one month where I had overspent and was too scared to ask him.

Forgot to add, you shouldn't be scared of saying anything to him !!! Face him, it will be empowering and you will feel better for it. Fear is in the mind. Its a simple thing to explain to him that he hoards all his income and his partner/wife cannot afford to live! Face him with his part in this.