Help - I need to tell my husband about my Debt

Yargo1

Hi OP, how is it all going?

Nivea_2

hi, just wanted to say I read the posts on this thread a few weeks ago, I was desperate 40,000 of debt and husband had no idea. I felt ashamed, terrified, anxious, it was hell. Keeping a secret can really affect your sell being as it consumes you. The posts on this thread, the encouragement and support really helped me to pluck up the courage to come clean, I honestly thought it would end marriage and I would have blamed him walking. But he listened and didn't judge, I am very lucky :j

I asked what he thought was wrong, never having any money etc, he thought I was saving up to leave him!

laurawest2

I've just read this thread and I have to say, it's struck home for me and helped me. Late last year, i discovered a letter in my husbands car demanding money from a debt collection agency. I confronted him about it, and he said it had been a buy now pay later which he completely forgot about and he had already paid it. I accepted this without question.

A few months later i then had a call at work from the mortgage company. I told my OH and he said he had changed our direct debit date. Again, I thought nothing of it.

A further couple of months later I opened our post ( his letter in error) and saw a demand for payment on a credit card and it said it had defaulted. When I confronted him about this, he admitted it and said he had just buried his head in the sand and had kept meaning to reset the direct debit up. I asked him to be honest with me and tell me if there was anything else. He assured me and swore that there wasnt. I asked him specifically about the mortgage thinking of the 'changing payment dates' story and he said that it was fine. As luck would have it, we had some money in savings and he used that to pay it.

I wasn't at work today and what I thought to be our mortgage statement arrived. I was gobsmacked to see that it's three months behind. I then opened the gas bill, and that was also behind. I got him to come home from work as I was so upset. It all came tumbling out. He'd taken pay day loans, just to get us through a few tight months and it spiralled from there and we are in thousands of pounds worth of debt.

I'm so shocked and angry. Not about the debt, but rather that he has hidden it from me for nearly two years. I feel all trust has competely gone as he has had the opportunity to come clean and has lied. We've been together for ten years, married eight and have two children together. We've never hidden anything from each other, so I feel doubly hurt.

We are sitting down tomorrow night to go through everything. I just can't understand how we got into this mess. I have to admit though, I'm not blameless in all of this. I too, should have taken ownership of our joint finances, and I feel terrible that he has been worrying about this for so long and taking everything on his shoulders. At the moment, I'm struggling to think what to say to him or to look at him. Feel very upset. I don't know if we will ever regain the trust we had

jon1965

That is quite a sever but understandable initial reaction. I can not make too many comments because I do not know the dynamics of your relationship.
Just some thought
Is he a "provider" type man, in which case maybe he has been conditioned by life to be the strong organised one and just could not tell you that he had a problem .
You say that he does all the finances, well I guess you won't let that carry on...
Try not to blame him, there may be deep seated reasons for his behaviour, but make sure you are 100% confident that there is no other problem...drink drugs, gambeling (I don't want to scare you but it does happen)
Try to be calm, and from now on maybe you could run the finances for a while

laurawest2

jon1965 wrote: »

That is quite a sever but understandable initial reaction. I can not make too many comments because I do not know the dynamics of your relationship.
Just some thought
Is he a "provider" type man, in which case maybe he has been conditioned by life to be the strong organised one and just could not tell you that he had a problem .
You say that he does all the finances, well I guess you won't let that carry on...
Try not to blame him, there may be deep seated reasons for his behaviour, but make sure you are 100% confident that there is no other problem...drink drugs, gambeling (I don't want to scare you but it does happen)
Try to be calm, and from now on maybe you could run the finances for a while

To be honest, we've always had a great relationship. Very rarely fight, we do bicker sometimes. I guess the anger is that when he had the opportunity to be honest, and when he was asked outright, he lied. Im not angry at him, but rather the situation. It was previously me that did the finances, but I got a new job nearly two years ago which has meant Im not at home for nearly 12 hours a day. To his credit, he deals with all the homelife stuff, including the kids and he works a full time job. I think it's down to the stress of doing it all and I don't think other than that, that's there's anything else behind it. Luckily next month I start a new job which is five minutes from home so I will be able to retake my fair share which he's done on his own for a long time.

To be honest, I'm not blaming him, just upset more that he couldn't tell me. He feels like a failure, but given all that he's been doing, there was bound to be something that slipped. We will get through it, but I think we have a long road ahead of us.

jon1965

Just reading your post and I was thinking what to say, then you summed up my thoughts in your final paragraph.
So he feels like he has failed, no ones fault , but that's how he feels.
Once he opened his mouth and told that first little white lie, the rest is a downward spiral. You can not confess without showing yourself up as a bigger failure and liar. That isn't a statement it's just an insight from personal experience and only an opinion. Just as is the fact he thinks he has failed, just an opinion with , from what I can see, no basis in fact.
Sorry if I sounded harsh in my reply, certainly not my intention, just again personal experience
Good luck

laurawest2

jon1965 wrote: »

Just reading your post and I was thinking what to say, then you summed up my thoughts in your final paragraph.
So he feels like he has failed, no ones fault , but that's how he feels.
Once he opened his mouth and told that first little white lie, the rest is a downward spiral. You can not confess without showing yourself up as a bigger failure and liar. That isn't a statement it's just an insight from personal experience and only an opinion. Just as is the fact he thinks he has failed, just an opinion with , from what I can see, no basis in fact.
Sorry if I sounded harsh in my reply, certainly not my intention, just again personal experience
Good luck

No, I think you are right. I think he was shocked himself that I didn't shout and tell him to leave. I am not happy about the situation, but I am glad it's out in the open and we can deal with it

rising_from_the_ashes

laurawest2 wrote: »

To be honest, I'm not blaming him, just upset more that he couldn't tell me

laurawest2 wrote: »

I am not happy about the situation, but I am glad it's out in the open and we can deal with it

Ohhhh Laura, what a shock ... I think the above 2 sentences really sum up what so many people advised the OP (and hopefully it will come in useful for others in a similar position) - it's the hurt that they couldn't share the problem - obviously shock and anger at the situation - that is often hardest to deal with.

Wishing you and your DH the best of luck in sorting things out.

Once you've gone through everything and know "what's what", it may be worth starting a new thread and posting up your SOA to get some comments on how things are / if there are obvious areas that cuts can be made etc.

Miller5988

Hi AllFirstly I would like to say hi I have just joined and secondly thank you as this thread gave me the courage to tell my husband about my debt, I have told him tonight and he's in shock and not speaking to me. This is the third time I have done this, I have already sought help through my doctors a few weeks ago and am due to go to my first counselling session next Tuesday, my husband knows nothing about this bit yet.
Thank you again and I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone as I think I'll be on looking for advice and assistance.


Sandra
Xx

andymc29

I just wanted to add my own two cents to this thread.

I told my partner about my debts quite soon after we got together, she was shocked and didn't understand as she's always been good with money. She made the condition that we don't live together until my debts were all gone. I kept giving her dates for when I thought it would all be gone, until in the end I ended up lying and saying it was gone months before it really was, thinking I could sort things before she found out.

That was a stupid decision, I caved in and told her I still had £2500 of credit card debt two weeks before we got married. I felt aweful, she cried and didn't speak to me for two days, but it was such a relief to tell her, now there's no secrets at all and we're getting totally joint accounts very soon for everything to be transparent.

If they love you, then they'll stay with you and support you getting out of debt, otherwise they will leave you. You're better off either way though and will sleep better at night just knowing your being honest with people and yourself.

So for anyone worrying about telling their partner about debts, just tell them, it is far better than hiding it and you can look them in the eye without feeling guilty.