Help - I need to tell my husband about my Debt

ScaredandStupid

I need to put you in the picture as it is complicated. I have around £2500 of debt with payday loans, credit card debts combined of £6100, a bank loan of £2000 (was 6k) and have been hiding this from my OH. To make matters worse, I have asked family to help and they did and between them I have borrowed £4500, although I was back to square one in no time
It has got to the point now where I sometimes wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning, I have become an expert at meeting the postman and hiding my phone as payday people send constant txt messages.
I have never missed any payments but now it’s starting to get too much and my whole wage is swallowed up by the repayments, so I cannot carry on. At the moment I have £0 money left for the month,
I have most of the payday loans on repayment plans but the smaller ones I would normally just pay off I can't catch a break so keep rolling them over.
I can't believe how I have got into this mess, I have a lovely home, a nice job, a beautiful family, and my OH earns a lot of money and has no debt other than the mortgage. I don't think he will comprehend what I have done, it goes without saying the lies and deceit will kill him but he has never lived in this world and never really wanted for anything, before the debt I just about made it through the month and never really had any spare money.
My OH can be very dominating and quite hard and stubborn, I know some people are surprised at how well their OH's take the news but I know he will hit the roof, the only thing I can think is that I have lied through fear, I am not usually a dishonest person, I am the sort of person who would do anything for anyone and all this debt has been spent on surviving rather than material things for me.
I have considered writing a letter to explain the mess, I know it will be the end of us and we have been together for over 10 years, I can't remember the last time I woke up without the sickly anxiety feeling, or the last time I enjoyed a holiday without worrying about getting back home and getting to the post before he does. I don't think I have showed any of this and that's what worries me, he will have no idea and be shocked and hurt by how well I have hid this from him he is the total opposite of me, I want to feel that relief that I have read about on other posts but I know I won't feel that, only pain
I feel so ashamed and I wish I had a reason why this has happened other than my stupidity.
Help.... what should I do?

downsizer3

There are many avenues open to you and there have been lots of similar posts on here before which have been resolved, so don't fret.
Initially I'd list out you own personal income and outgoings on a SOA so we can see exactly what your debts are, interest, and regular outgoings.
If you are going to tell your husband - best approach it from the perspective of having a way forward which you are going to tackle yourself. People on here will help you with that.
Secondly you need to have a look at why you're in this mess - why can't you afford your lifestyle? Where's it going? Why aren't these costs shared with your OH if they are reasonable expenses? Then you have to be honest. Ultimately you are lying and thats not healthy for your relationship. If he's going to walk out on you when you've got yourself in some bother its not much of a relationship. But go in there with answers - not just a problem.
Plenty of people have confessed and the relief is huge as you say but just dumping a problem on the doormat isn't the way to approach it.
Post your SOA and help will come!........

Loft_Boy

I like you had some payday loans and debt. Mine were caused by own reckless spending and going out and built up through my twenties to about £9k. I had to come clean to my other half when we started talking about moving in together etc. I was also made redundant this time last year so it was a bit of a double whammy.
I can honestly saying telling her was the best thing. Sure, it wasn’t nice, but I honestly didn’t expect it to be. I know where you’re coming from, the vast amount of letters popping through the door, being on edge when your phone rings it is a really depressing place. You say you’ve been together 10 years if that’s the case I would find it incredible if things took a turn for the worst over what is essentially something that can be solved within a year or two. If I was you I would collate all and I mean all of the paperwork you have, sit your other half down and explain. Be honest, don’t withhold anything. It will be hard but it is honestly the best way. You may be surprised by his reaction. Explain where some of it went, you might not be able to explain every penny, but try and at least illustrate why the situation happened and work from there. Things are often nowhere near as bad in retrospect as they were in prospect.
Good Luck!

ScaredandStupid

There can only be two outcomes, he either walks or he helps, he has the money to pay all this debt of but that is not the answer.The reason I have got into the mess is becuase it has spiralled out of control from one month where I had overspent and was too scared to ask him.

lamarsi

didn't want to just read and run, I know what it's like to be hiding debt and waking up with that feeling, my debts were substantially larger than yours, and eventually we split up when I found out he lent a friend £1000 for his mortgage arrears, and I was £4000 behind in mine but couldn't tell him. We have got back together since and were great. The stress and pressure of hiding it at that time was awful, I would rather be single than live like that again good luck!!!

puregeordie

Are you my Wife:eek:

[Deleted User]

I don't really understand how you have got in this position. You say your husband earns a lot of money? If that's the case why do you have responsibility for paying expenses you obviously can't afford. Surely if you are married you have discussed your joint expenses, your relative incomes and how you will manage paying for things. I guess i may be old fashioned but my husband and i deal with our finances together - yes we have our own accounts that we can spend on our own stuff - his season ticket, my shoes etc - but we also make sure all our living expenses and bills are covered in a way that is manageable for both of us. I'm afraid I feel the problem here is not really about money - its about a lack of communication and trust. You probably have nothing to lose by talking to him - it will make things better or it won't! At least you won't have to hide it anymore

warwicktiger

I was there too, about ten years ago. Dreading the post, borrowing off colleagues to get through the month, paying minimum payments on cards then withdrawing the money again (and paying for the priviledge) all the time earning twice as much as my OH who never seemed short.

One weekend we were sat watching our favourite TV programme, half way through I said "when this is over can we talk?", she said yes. When the programme finished I switched off the TV and picked up the folder I had prepared earlier, containing payslips and all my loan statements (I had hidden most in the garden shed).

I just came out with it, I said something along the lines of "I've been a bl--dy fool for the last few years and I am in a hole, I'm working just to pay the interest on loans I've built up and still losing ground every month.

Thankfully she looked at me, called me an idiot, then told me she still loved me. Then we added up what I owed, how much I had to pay each month and how many pennies were left over for me to spend. We worked out a plan, I cleared off the expensive cards first whilst still paying off a "consolidation" loan I had taken out.

It took me six years to get free, whilst I was in debt I chopped up my credit cards, had no access to our joint account (she changed online passwords) and I learned the value of money. It was horrible.

Ten years on I have no loans except the mortgage, one card for emergency use with a £500 limit and a little saved up. I knew, as you do now, that you cannot just let things run, so do some homework, know where you are, take a deep breath...

when you are eating or watching a tv programme its your turn to say.....

when this is over can we talk?

My OH knew something was wrong, she was so happy when I told her, so frightened I wanted to separate.

ScaredandStupid

Thank you for your reply, I hope you are right, I have just finished the letter and it looks worse than I thought!
He's not the most understanding of people but I have no choice but to tell him, I am so sad at the moment

whitewing

I think it's good that it looks worse than you thought, because it means you are telling him everything. No one likes to be lied to, but it is much worse to have to drag the truth out of someone bit by bit.

nikkickchloe

Hi S&S, I too was in a similar position, I had run up alot of debt when I was poorly after I had our son.
At one point our pc died, so i put a new one on a CC.... he was kind of oblivious to it if i'm honest, as I hid everything (bills etc)
I had no money or minus at the end of every month and he was always left with money..... I haven't put anything on a CC for well over a year now, and unfortunately am still paying it all off.
He is fully aware now, and we're moving house soon, and using some equity to get rid of all the debt, so we'll just have the mortgage, and I'm not using cards, so can't back into the habit as the accounts won't exist.
I hope that he surprises you, and is more supportive than you think. Big Hug