How have I upset my friend?

the_cat

She sounds like a self absorbed selfish cow to me!
One of those 'friends' who is only there for her own benefit, has to be the centre of attention, gets off on finding fault in everything. Only happy when being a misery. Not much of a loss quite frankly


PS I never know what to order either! A latte is all frothy which I hate and I don't know if there is a specific non-frothy version..... i just order tea. You can't go wrong with tea!

greenhill

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

I am too tired to spend time with people that are so easily offended. I need to spend time with friends who can love me the way I am, who will step in to help me when I am out of my depth. People that I can laugh with and not have to tip toe around..... friends that will forgive me immediately if I make a blunder.

Any one for coffee?

dx

Well done you! If you can't be yourself with people, cut them out of your life. It's soooooo much easier;)

Life is to short to waste it worrying about offending people who don't really matter anyway.

I'd have a coffee with you any day. I hope your parents continue to be "beautiful". You sound like a lovely caring daughter.

londonsurrey

Using luncheon vouchers doesn't necessarily indicate a low income. I'm the type to use any voucher or discount mechanism going, and if with a friend I'm comfortable with, comment on high costs.

However, I am also happy to send hampers from Fortnum and Mason for significant occasions. The way I see it, watching the pennies enables me to do so. This has been consistent when on no income and when on well above the higher tax threshold.

poet123

londonsurrey wrote: »

Using luncheon vouchers doesn't necessarily indicate a low income. I'm the type to use any voucher or discount mechanism going, and if with a friend I'm comfortable with, comment on high costs.

However, I am also happy to send hampers from Fortnum and Mason for significant occasions. The way I see it, watching the pennies enables me to do so. This has been consistent when on no income and when on well above the higher tax threshold.

I agree, but that may not be the friends perception. I too think the price of coffee is ridiculous and am bemused at the choices on offer (a lot of it is pretentious rubbish but great niche marketing;)) Maybe the reality is that the friendship has run its course. Sounds like the OP is the nicer person of the two, so no great loss.

Craftyscholar

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

My self esteem and confidence are very fragile at the moment. My parents have been desperately ill one after the other.
My lovely dad is just recently home from a stint of about 9 month in hospital. Twice we had the phone call go to his bedside, but he is well now and looks beautiful. Mum is well too.
For the last 7 ot 8 years, hospitals are about the only outings I've had other than the school run or Tesco (oh and a football match).

Because things are 'quiet' at the moment I was able to meet my friend
I was so pleased with myself and so happy to be out, on my own without the children..... I must have forgotten to pack my manners.

My friend phones 4 or 5 times a week, so although we haven't seen each other for about 18months we speak regularly.

Even when my parents have been ill I have given her time and listened to her problems. An example of the type of problem she has is..... the cleaner hasn't wiped out the microwave... what do I think she should do about it? Do I think the cleaner should wash the soap dish?

So, as you have been in regular contact, she would be well aware of what you have had to cope with.
And how rare an outing like this is and how much it would mean to you.

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

I am too tired to spend time with people that are so easily offended. I need to spend time with friends who can love me the way I am, who will step in to help me when I am out of my depth. People that I can laugh with and not have to tip toe around..... friends that will forgive me immediately if I make a blunder.

Any one for coffee?

dx

I do hope you have other friends you can spare time with.
It is sad to lose a friendship of over 30 years, but like others on here I suspect you need to put yourself and your well-being first.

pearl123

Maybe after 35 years you just irritate her sometimes.

xxdeebeexx

Newly_retired wrote: »

I think perhaps you may have been so very absorbed in your family issues over the past few months and your friend equally taken up with her ( superficial?) lifestyle that you have in fact grown apart.
Or maybe you were both just a bit stressed out that particular day. No not stressed
I agree, the waitress could have been more helpful.
I know nothing about coffee names ( never drink it myself).
You could have settled for something - anything, just to move on. Yes I should have
You could have avoided commenting on the price and just bought any coffee. Yes, I tried to get one but no one helped. The girl serving kept asking for the name of the coffee I wanted. I got flustered. There was a huge queue behind me and people were getting impatient. The other drinks on offer were in coolers way back at the entrance to the queing area.
Yes I shouldn't have commented on the price and i should never have used luncheon vouchers either. But with a true friend should all this have mattered?
Your friend is the biggest offender by making a big deal of the whole incident. Probably
However the Wembley match does maybe throw a bit of light on the way you treat her? If you knew that you would be rushing out for a bus it would have been wise to say so in advance. I would not want to be left behind in a football exit crowd especially if I'd been taken by a friend. Sorry I have edited my reply above. We were on the way to Wembley.... the DH and boys were over excited. We had plenty of time to get to the bus stop but they had too much adrenaline to walk any slower they were caught up in the sheer joy and excitement of the event. We were walking in an empty street that she knows very well. She had stayed the night with us, had a lovely breakfast that my husband made for her, so she had been treated well. It was only a walk of 400m.
Going back to your meet-up-- what else did you talk about in your time together?We were at an exhibition and we talked about what we saw, if we liked it... very normal Was it friendly, or one-sided? Whose side? all fine
Does your friendship work both ways? I listen a lot we often have conversations where she doesn't ask how I am. She never askes about my husband or boys I'm not sure that it is going to carry on as she obviously feels disgruntled and now you feel offended. How will you feel if she doesn't contact you again.I have just received a postcard, in the morning post, telling me that she had a fantastic day out with me and that she thoroughly enjoyed herself! Will you break the silence?not sure
How would you like things to proceed in the future? not sure... I have wept a few times over the last couple of days. I don't want to do that again. I don't want to face another barrage of 'home truths'
Would you really miss her if she is no longer in your life? I would like the phone calls to be less frequent. We are often on the phone for 40 to 50 mins 3 or 4 times a week. My husband knows when my friend is calling as I spend most of the call time listening

Thank you for the questions. It has really made me think.

dx

AbbieCadabra

your 'friend' sounds very similar to mine who i cut all contact with last year after a very upsetting string of events. i was devastated to do it & felt so lost afterwards, but her actions had really left me no alternative.

after a short time, it was only looking back on the relationship of some 15 years or so, did i actually realise she'd been an absolutely terrible friend to me in all that time! she'd encouraged me to be reckless on numerous occasions when i wasn't really thinking very straight, had never been there when i actually needed her but heaven forbid if i wasn't there to prop her up when she lept from one crisis to another. an hour on the phone would = me listening & making the right noises in the right place to agree with her, then a brief "oh, & how are you anyway? must dash, things to do" right at the end on the call. i'd come off the phone emotionally drained.

i wish i'd been able to see all this years ago, but as with many situations, you can't when you're in the middle of it. my life is so much calmer now & i don't instantly go on edge everytime the phone rings in case it's her!

best wishes Dee, do what you feel is right, i'm sure you'll feel better for it

Savvy_Sue

Hermia wrote: »

I never know the correct names of coffees either. I always make a right idiot of myself. They hate me in my local Starbucks because I say small, medium or large when ordering!

:rotfl: me too, but then I tend to avoid Starbucks because I think it's overhyped and overpriced ...

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

One of the 'home truths' was about when we last met. My husband, myself and 2 sons took her to a football match at Wembley. To get to the match we had to walk to the bus stop. You can imagine the excitement of my husband and boys...... everyone marched out and walked as fast as they could to get to the bus stop.. just in case the bus came early. Friend was very offended because she got left behind,only for a while, and told me that we should have left earlier and walked together at a leisurely pace and that this incident completely spoilt her enjoyment of watching England play at Wembley. This was her one chance of seeing England and it was ruined!

Oh honestly! When you go out with children - other people's children, your own - you're better going with over-excitement and enthusiasm like you describe than dragging them out sulking.

the_cat wrote: »

PS I never know what to order either! A latte is all frothy which I hate and I don't know if there is a specific non-frothy version.....

In Starbucks, it's a flat white. If you must.

jetplane

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

I need to spend time with friends who can love me the way I am, who will step in to help me when I am out of my depth. People that I can laugh with and not have to tip toe around..... friends that will forgive me immediately if I make a blunder.

That is so beautiful we all need friends like that and I hope you have people in your life who do this.

While I don't think it is fair or helpful for people to call your friend names, as we only have one perspective, I do think that some friendships can be unhealthy. If you don't want to end this friendship then ask your husband to answer the phone for a few weeks and if it's her say you're out, having a lie down, busy or whatever. If it's your mobile don't anwer, you don't have to be at her beck and call.