Smacking. Could you/would you/do you?

Sambucus_Nigra

mishkanorman wrote: »

Why do people feel the need to do that ?? can you not have a discussion without resorting to snide comments,

As I already posted, smacking is an absolute last resort, and rarely gets used unless its been really bad ie risk of injury to themselves/others or damaging property etc, not that i need to defend my parenting to anyone other than their father !

Is a snide comment better or worse than hitting someone? Discuss.

[It can't be that rare if they have learnt ways of bending away from your hand...]

Don't domestic abusers say that they hit their partners as a last resort - and because they drove the abuser to it?

Mrs_Imp

I was smacked as a child when I was very naughty (running in to the road, eating aspirin). I was also once sent in to the kitchen at a relative's house for being naughty. I can honestly say that I was more traumatised by being sent into the 'naughty corner' than by being smacked. The memory still makes me shudder, and it used to give me bad dreams as a child for years.

So which was worse? A smack to stop me killing myself, or childhood trauma from a 'naughty corner'? Are we bringing up a nation of children who fear the 'third step from the bottom' like I feared the corner in the kitchen?

marywooyeah

my dad and stepmum were violent to me and my brothers when we were growing up, it taught me not to respect them as they treated us badly and I vowed I would never hit any of my children.

My son is 3 now and I've tapped his hand 3 times - the first was when we were at a garden centre and he thought it was hilarious to tip potted plants over and he wouldn't listen to me reasoning with him that people had worked hard to pot them, I felt mortified afterwards and I havent done it for well over a year, the subsequent times were when he was being really naughty too.

I use the "I'm counting to three" and naughty step although he is generally very good at responding to reason and we have a little cuddle. I think there are many ways to teach a child right from wrong without making them scared of you or more defiant by hitting them, but then every parent and every child is different, I suppose like many things there is no universal formula for parenting.

[Deleted User]

heretolearn wrote: »

'We also have the 'counting down from 5 to 1'... he'll always stop doing whatever he's doing that's naughty by the time i get to 2.'

yes I used to do that too and it worked a dream until one day he turned to me at number 3 with a thoughtful look on his face and said 'mum, what would you actually DO when you get to 1?' and I just ummed and aahed and ended up laughing and saying 'I don't know' so that was the end of the countdown working.

My first response would probably be 'You don't want to find out what happens if I get to 1'. Then i'd probably make him sit on the naughty step, ignoring me, until he appologised for whatever he did.

I also don't understand the idea of 'slapping them to save them from doing dangerous things'. My 2 year old has the idea of 'getting an ouch'. We tell him 'don't do that or you could get a very bad ouch' and he does tend to learn (eventually!)

I think i'd argue it's far harder to discipline your child without resorting to physical methods; you've also got to start firm from the very beginning.

bylromarha

This debate frequently comes up in DT.

I smack my kids. I rarely need to do it as a range of methods are employed. It isn't the first choice of discipline and I don't enjoy it. I don't smack in anger. Smacks end in cuddles. It is a tool in the parental toolbox which some of us choose to use. Some choose not to have it in the toolbox. Your choice. I truly don't give a stuff about the taboo middle class parents have around smacking. OH and I have agreed the way we parent our kids and are comfortable with our choices.

Now our kids are older, they agree post smack they knew they were heading for a smack as their choices were made clear to them prior to the smack being given.

Some choose to put parenting methods in their toolbox which I abhor as I feel they cause psychological hurt rather than physical hurt - but those methods rarely come up for debate as being right or wrong. And I refuse to start a discussion on the one I find hardest to hear about as there is no clear answer on any parenting method.

I think 99.9% of parents try their best by their kids so I'd rather encourage them than criticise.

jayII

bylromarha wrote: »

This debate frequently comes up in DT.

I smack my kids. I rarely need to do it as a range of methods are employed. It isn't the first choice of discipline and I don't enjoy it. I don't smack in anger. Smacks end in cuddles. It is a tool in the parental toolbox which some of us choose to use. Some choose not to have it in the toolbox. Your choice. I truly don't give a stuff about the taboo middle class parents have around smacking. OH and I have agreed the way we parent our kids and are comfortable with our choices.

Now our kids are older, they agree post smack they knew they were heading for a smack as their choices were made clear to them prior to the smack being given.

Some choose to put parenting methods in their toolbox which I abhor as I feel they cause psychological hurt rather than physical hurt - but those methods rarely come up for debate as being right or wrong. And I refuse to start a discussion on the one I find hardest to hear about as there is no clear answer on any parenting method.

I think 99.9% of parents try their best by their kids so I'd rather encourage them than criticise.

I agree that it's an individual choice, but why do you call it a taboo and why specify middle class?

In my opinion smacking is never, ever necessary but as you say, it is a parental choice.

I'm find your choice of words interesting though. I'm far from middle class plus to me taboo speaks of something feared or somehow forbidden whch is (in my mind) very different from a conscious, carefully considered, life choice.

theoldcynic

I believe it is good to get the perspective of the voice rarely heard or acknowledged in discussions such as these.

We are fortunate in a way that as adults we are speaking from a position where we are comfortably safe in the knowledge that on the whole we are protected in law from being subjected to violence. Or at least may be able to get some sort of justice if it is doled out to us.

I found these articles an interesting read.

http://www.childrenareunbeatable.org.uk/pdfs/ListenUp-English.pdf

http://www.childrenareunbeatable.org.uk/pdfs/I%20dont%20get%20sad%20-%20report.pdf

These campaigns are supported by the NSPCC and Save the Children.

Lunar_Eclipse

I don't believe in smacking under any circumstances.

I actually believe it violates basic human rights. As a conscious act, it is a form of domestic violence, bullying, used to exert authority, power and control.

I am amazed that so many parents are willing to smack their children, but wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from their spouse. There is no difference. Well actually, I suppose adult-child smacking is significantly worse than adult-adult violence on the basis that there is often a larger disparity in physical strength.

It's so wrong on many levels and violence isn't tolerated in our home.

kaz0705

First a disclaimer: my following comment is purely passed on from colleagues who work in social services and not, necessarily, my own opinion!

I think the general problem with smacking is that when there *is* abuse happening, its creates a grey area for those trying to identify abuse. If a parent can say 'oh, that bruise on the leg was a smack because they were putting themselves in danger' when actually the bruise is because the parent just likes to hit them occasionally, it is pretty hard to know for sure.

That's why the anti-smacking brigade 'muddy' the water with talk of abuse; because smack DOES muddy the water in abusive situations. And my colleagues know only too well how many well-turned out 'respectable' parents can be abusive and neglectful.

Additionally, further 'muddying' the water, when I had this conversation with looked after children, they were very, very adamant that children should never, ever be smacked. Of course, they have a very clear context to this view- does that mean their opinion is less relevant?

However, regardless of devil's advocate, until I have kids I'm not going to cast any stones from my glasshouse!

Lunar_Eclipse

jayII wrote: »

I love them to bits so why on earth would I want to cause them physical pain?

I agree with you. I'm astounded at the lengths people go to to justify their behaviour. Smacking is abusive behaviour.

FWIW I was (very, very rarely - handful of times during my life) smacked as a child. It always came as a bit of a shock. I simply wasn't doing what my parents wanted at the time. So it wasn't ever necessary, it was pure control. I think my parents would be heartbroken to know that I will never forgive the smacking. I just can't get beyond how dare they and who do they/did they think they are? So smackers please beware (not that you'll listen.)