Smacking. Could you/would you/do you?

Bluemeanie_2

I see this is a passionate and contentious debate. With a lot of strong views!

I was smacked when I was naughty when I was a child (I'm 28) and I have turned out to be a non-violent well brought up individual I hope.

When I have kids I intend to bring them up strictly, so although I believe in smacking, I hope that as Judi says a glare is enough.

Problem I have with some parents that smack is, they do not instill the discipline or give a warning in the first instance.
I know it's hard to be a parent but I see so many children running amok (and yes before anyone say I accept a small number may have difficulties etc) but there is no way all the kids I see do! And they parent will let them run amok for a while, then just suddenly smack them. I don't think that is right.

When I have a child and it is small, I intend to warn first, then time out, then if they get up from time out, smack. I think this 3 tier approach and it being the ultimate sanction may be the right way to go?

I have two stepchildren who are now 9 and 7. I have never smacked them as there has never been any need. They are very well behaved. Husband has smacked them once or twice while I've known them.

On the subject of smacking someone else's kids, to be honest I would be more mortified if my child misbehaved that badly that someone else felt the need rather than be angry with them.

Though to be honest sometimes the way I see parents treat their kids leaves a lot to be desired. When I was walking near a school a few weeks ago there was a mother and little boy who was about 5. He went to jump on a wall, and she screamed at the top of her lungs " you needn't !!!!ing start" was not necessary and why swear at such a little one? Awful

Plushchris

Felicity wrote: »

Having read more of the debate, I still would never smack my son.

And if I ever did I would not be surprised if:-

a/ he decided, as an 18 year old to wollap me around the head if he disagreed with me and

b/ to wollap his first girlfriend around the head when she first disagreed with him.

He would of course see this as accepted behaviour. Of course it is not.

Most ridiculous comment ever.

So by the same note, you wouldnt be surprised if he made his first girlfriend sit on the naughty step or stand in the corner if she disagreed with him?
Because thats how you've taught him to deal with it?

I was smacked (occasionally) as a child and "of course" I do not see either of those scenarios as accepted behaviour. I doubt anyone else here that was smacked as a child would either.

I didnt see the need to "wallop" my dad about the head when I turned 18 as I had too much respect for him. Before you say it, yes it was respect and NOT fear.

Mad-Frog

I personally wouldn't smack a child but would not condemn anyone who did

I have grabbed my niece by the arm, she stepped out onto a road and had to be yanked back before the car hit her, I was very shocked and upset she did a what did you do that for? oh okay and skipped away type of response

On another occasion different niece I had to grab her wrist to stop her shoving her ice cream in her baby sisters face, she was having a massive strop at the time.

Neither incident hurt them but how without physical intervention how do you stop a child from running in front of a car if they are not listening to you? I suppose some would say by me grabbing (if that's the right word) to prevent them getting into danger would be a form of abuse

kettlefish

kaz0705 wrote: »

I think the general problem with smacking is that when there *is* abuse happening, its creates a grey area for those trying to identify abuse. If a parent can say 'oh, that bruise on the leg was a smack because they were putting themselves in danger' when actually the bruise is because the parent just likes to hit them occasionally, it is pretty hard to know for sure.

I don't think what most people here are referring to as "smacking" would ever leave a bruise. I was smacked very, very occasionally as a child and never had more than a pink mark for literally ten or fifteen seconds after the event (and I have very pale Celtic skin which marks very easily!) If any parents are smacking to the point of bruising or leaving any type of mark, in my opinion then they have lost control.

I am fairly young (23) and can't honestly say I will never smack my children. Like others say, though, it will be a swift tap on the hand or bottom when my child is either completely out of their tree and unable to climb down, or more likely when they are in severe danger. I doubt a 3 year old about to run into the road will have time to listen to a reasonable explanation of why it's wrong, before weighing up their options and deciding not to do it! I do, of course, think the reason for any punishment should alway be explained in full after the event. Fortunately my DH has similar views on this to me; he was smacked as a child and I have to say it has never occurred to either of us that smacking would be a way for us to resolve conflict - it is a method of discipline not control.

balletshoes

I think its all down to definition as well - Felicity's "wallops round the head" is not a smack, as far as I'm concerned. Thats someone who has lost control and is hitting in anger. Repeated hard spanks across the legs/bottom is also someone hitting in anger, to me. One, or 2 at the absolute most, is a smack.

Idiophreak

krlyr wrote: »

On the other hand, I was never smacked (total daddy's girl) and my little brother was frequently smacked (little rascal who was always in trouble). I'm the respectable citizen with the stable job, long term relationship and mortgage, he's the one who is living with my mum rent-free, can't hold down a job or a girlfriend and has been in trouble several times with the police/courts/bailiffs. He's not much of a "pro-smacking" poster boy!

Hmm, what is it they say? Correlation does not imply causation?

elvis86

Mad-Frog wrote: »

I have grabbed my niece by the arm, she stepped out onto a road and had to be yanked back before the car hit her, I was very shocked and upset she did a what did you do that for? oh okay and skipped away type of response

On another occasion different niece I had to grab her wrist to stop her shoving her ice cream in her baby sisters face, she was having a massive strop at the time.

Neither incident hurt them but how without physical intervention how do you stop a child from running in front of a car if they are not listening to you? I suppose some would say by me grabbing (if that's the right word) to prevent them getting into danger would be a form of abuse

According to some people on here, yes, that would constitue abuse. Why would you want to inflict pain on your beloved neice? Far better that you let a fast-moving car inflict the pain, and hope that she survives and learns from the experience.:cool:

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I I don't believe in smacking under any circumstances.

I actually believe it violates basic human rights. As a conscious act, it is a form of domestic violence, bullying, used to exert authority, power and control.

I am amazed that so many parents are willing to smack their children, but wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from their spouse. There is no difference.

Yes there is.

As yet, all I can see from those who would see parents criminalised for occasionally smacking their kids, is the same tired old argument that violence towards an adult constitutes assault, and therefore violence towards a child should be the same.

Firstly, "violence" is an emotive word which is deliberately being used to vilify parents. I can't comprehend why anyone cannot see that there is a massive difference between a punch to the face during an argument with a fellow adult, and a smack of the hand metered out to a child as a punishment?

Secondly, as I said before, an adult is not responsible for raising and disciplining another adult. A parent does have this responsibility towards their child.

If a woman posted here saying that her boyfriend's word was final in their house, that he routinely confiscated her things and was preventing her from leaving the house, most people would (rightly) identify this as domestic violence. However, in the context of a parent/child relationship, these are discipline methods and grounding. Methods that even the most liberal and anti-smacking posters proudly admit to using.:cool:

Those condemning smacking are (deliberately?) ignoring the fact that the parent/child relationship is unique. Direct comparisons between behaviour of a parent towards a child and behaviour of an adult towards another adult are nonsensical.

I would think it was wrong if a man questioned his wife's ability to brush her teeth and wipe her own bottom, and insisted on invading her privacy in the bathroom to check she was doing it right. I think it's acceptable in a parent/child relationship though.

I would think it wrong if a woman witheld solid food from her partner and only offerred her breastmilk to him for nourishment. I think it's acceptable in a parent/child relationship though.

Admittedly these are stupid comparisons, but they follow the same logic that some people are using to argue that anyone who administers an occasional smack to their child is physically abusive.;)

dibuzz

I was smacked by both parents, my mum would hit me with every word, dad would smack me on the legs so hard it left a huge raised imprint but at least it was over quickly and I wasn't wondering how many more words were in the sentence to hit me to.
I've never hit my kids but ex used to hit son no 2 across the head for the slightest thing. I often got hit myself trying to stop him and the hardest thing is that this child (now in his 20s) has no respect for me but worships the ground his father walks on.
I really don't understand it, the memories of my parents hitting me will never go away but my son seems to have gone the other way and only loves the person who hit him, I just don't get it.

Volupturaptor

mishkanorman wrote: »

If my children were to be in childcare all day every day im still the parent and wouldnt expect any minder to be doing the parenting on my behalf.

This is one of the craziest things I have read on this thread...

If I left my child with someone else, with them having agreed to look after the child, then parenting on my behalf is exactly what I would expect them to do.
Whether it was for half an hour, or a day, or a week.
Paid or unpaid.
If someone is looking after a child, then they should be doing what ever needs to be done for the child, during the time that they are responsible for the child. Just like parenting.

Anything else would surely be neglect?!

Wickedkitten

I wish I had only gotten smacked as a child.

As far as not smacking being a namby pamby middle class thing, my mother about as middle class as they come but she is also very much the kind of person who uses violence as a first result and that's because that's how she was raised and she doesn't know any better. Growing up it was pretty much a case of if you !!!!ed her off, she would pick up whatever was the closest thing and beat the !!!! out of you with it.

Once when I was about 10, and back at home from school for Christmas, I had worn a pair of her boots and managed to scuff a bit on the heel so she took the boot and hit me for about 10 minutes straight with it. The next day she couldn't even manage to raise her arm and I suppose even she thought that she might have gone a bit far because she apologised for it.

We don't have a relationship at all to this day and it's not because she smacked me, its because she beat the !!!! out of me and abused me. There is a major difference between the two.