Birth Mother

Raksha

Having blunder through the fb contact thing like a bull elephant and lived to regret it, I would strongly advise making any contact through a third party.

I wish you all the luck in the world with this

Errata

Is that the NORCAP register? I believe I am registered on that one, unless registrations lapse.

And yes, you are right, of course.

Sorry, I'm afraid I don't know, and thank you. What I would say is that when you are ready to contact her, you will know with certainty that you're ready. Perhaps you're not quite there yet?

pavlovs_dog

My father walked out on us more than 20 years ago, and had no contact since. Growing up, my brother and I had limited contact with his father and some of our cousins, but that was it. When our grandfather died, my mum had to introduce us to our father at the funeral, which was a very surreal experience.

He sent me a friend request on facebook just before Christmas, which I accepted after mulling things over. I initiated a conversation to find out more about my great grandparents (saw the only photos I've ever seen of them on his account). I was curious to know more about them, but also saw it as a way of trying to break the ice and make the situation easier for him. Now were I in his shoes (estranged grown up daughter who I've never supported offering me a second crack of the whip), I'd have moved heaven and hell to begin establishing and building some sort of relationship. But beyond answering my questions and some small talk, there was nothing, and nothing has been forthcoming in the seven weeks since.

Part of me is disappointed/angry that he doesn't seem to care enough to want to make more of an effort. Part of me is glad that he has proved me right; I haven't missed out through his absence in my life. Part of me wants to know more about that side of the family tree. But mostly, I think I'm just glad to know where I stand either way. A lifetime of 'what ifs' would drive me to distraction.

Kayalana's advice about making contact privately is sage, IMHO. You can't force anyone to want to have a relationship with you, but it isn't unreasonable to want to know where you stand. Good luck, whatever you decide.

SDW, how are things with you?

Tropez

Raksha wrote: »

Having blunder through the fb contact thing like a bull elephant and lived to regret it, I would strongly advise making any contact through a third party.

I wish you all the luck in the world with this

Thank you. It's a good point, especially as tact isn't really my strongest point.

Errata wrote: »

Sorry, I'm afraid I don't know, and thank you. What I would say is that when you are ready to contact her, you will know with certainty that you're ready. Perhaps you're not quite there yet?

I think had it not been for the other kids then I'd have been much more inclined to proceed, but she's got kids still in high school, and that deters me.

gallygirl

Norcap is actually closing next month. I do have contact details so will find and post - on work laptop so will be during next week.

Errata

Norcap has closed down now, and is referring people to www.gov.uk/adoption-records

Errata

Tropez - I wonder if you've considered talking your situation through with someone, someone who isn't emotionally attached to you? You may find talking things through stirs up a lot of psychological rubble, and if you become aware of it you will be able to deal with it more easily and in your own time. HTH

Tropez

Errata wrote: »

Tropez - I wonder if you've considered talking your situation through with someone, someone who isn't emotionally attached to you? You may find talking things through stirs up a lot of psychological rubble, and if you become aware of it you will be able to deal with it more easily and in your own time. HTH

Well so far I haven't thought about talking with anyone about it (save here, of course ) but I suppose that talking to someone on the outside might not be such a bad thing.

seven-day-weekend

Oh Tropez, what a hard decision you have to make.

All I can say is, I did it so that we could both have a chance. Once I had her address, I thought that action was better than inaction.

If you decide to make contact, i would do it in a way that is just you and her. Other family members can be involved later if you both decide to carry on with the relationship. Wishing you all the best, whatever decision you make. Please keep the thread update

MY update: My husband and I, and our son, all have birthdays in January and we have all had cards from my birth mother with'daughter, son-in-law and grandson on . I am hoping that my mother and my aunt are visiting us at our home soon (my aunt's nephew is going to bring them, hopefully). If they can't make it, we will go to them again.

Butterscotch-

Tropez wrote: »

I had to look this thread up again.

I had originally responded on this thread in part bemoaning that contact with my birth mother is never likely to be possible.

Yet through a bizarre twist of circumstances this past week I now have a name, rough location, Facebook page, details of other relatives, brothers and sisters and pretty much the opportunity to simply send an email.

But then I think, should I? Certainly there's some encouraging stories shared on this thread but this is a person I've never met and who doesn't appear to have made much if any effort to meet me. Also browsing her FB page I see someone with their own children and family doing just fine without me popping up and derailing anything. I see children who love their mother, siblings that may not even know I even exist.

And really what do I hope to gain? I know the reason why I was... left, abandoned, given up (take your pick) and truth be told I haven't done too badly... hell, I'd have never met my best friends, my partner, probably wouldn't have my job, my education and everything else - it worked out quite well... so is there a purpose to visiting the past? Do I even have any questions I need answering? Perhaps it is best to leave it alone - it's hardly fair of me to risk upsetting what is apparently a happy family for my own selfish ends.

But on the flip side, what if I don't and come to regret it in years to come?

Meh... why are things never easy?

If I had seen my birthfamilies on Facebook I'd have seen the same as you. Two contented happy families (each birthparent has other kids, were in high school at the time). But when I searched there wasn't Facebook and it was done by email with no information other than a name. What I found was a birthmother who was glad I got in touch but would never have searched for me (didn't want to cause hassle) and a birthfather who had tried to search over the years and was so happy to know me.

I didn't have any questions either really (reason for adoption was obvious) and I'm sure I could have handled them not being interested. I have had a good life with a good family. It's been 10 years now and we're all still in touch. Don't get to visit too often due to distance but it's always nice when we do.

I agree with contacting just your birthmother in the first instance and take things at your own pace.

Oh, and although I'd never worried too much about it before it's become very helpful to have a medical history.