Telling off adult children.

Four_leaf_clover_2

Ames wrote: »

I was supposed to be going on holiday on Saturday, but due to the day from hell with everything going wrong I missed my flight.

I phoned dad yesterday and he actually shouted at me and told me off about it.

I'm 31, what I did didn't affect him or anyone else, so why tell me off?

Did you phone him during the footie?. The only time my dad can be a bit short with me is when I phone in the middle of a match he is watching. I dont follow any of the footie so don't know when it is on and when it's not.

If he wasn't in the middle of something, and wasn't in the mood to chat, your dad could have just have ignored the phone going. When people phone me their number comes up and there are certain family members who I have to be in the right frame of mind to speak with.

I might not always agree with someone or say exactly what they want to hear if asked for my opinion. However I would not lower myself by getting anoyed with another adult or tell them off. That is a ridiculous way to carry on isn't it.

With all due respect you are a big girl now. If your dad was out of order and upset you why didn't you tell him so at the time? Or is he a bit of a moron and standing up for yourself is not worth the hassle.

Ames

I called while he was at work and he phoned me back when he got in, so at a time good for him.

I suppose I should have stood up to him, but that just leads to an argument which he either wins, or if he loses it's like it never happened and so he'll start it again until he does win.

Plus, I'd had a really crap day, it was the first mothers day since my mum died, I was annoyed that I was sitting at home in front of the TV instead of enjoying Budapest, so I just wanted to end the conversation quickly when he started shouting.

FatVonD

When I was 27 I worked a weekend because we were really busy at work, my parents decided to visit unannounced and had a key in those days and let themselves in. By the time I arrived home (with a girlfriend I'd met on the way) she had cleaned my house from top to bottom but various bits and pieces that belonged to my BF at the time (guitars/amp etc) were all lined up against the wall in the hall 'ready for him to take home'.

When I walked in she heard but hadn't seen me so didn't know I had a friend with me and started yelling about the state of my house and how I 'treated it like a hotel'. When she made it to the same room as me she then started yelling because she'd embarrassed herself in front of my friend. I wrote her a stinking letter and to this day will not let her have a key to my house. I had incidentally left home 9 years previously.

Fast forward to yesterday when she noticed my son had a spot (he's 14) she pointedly asked me (sub text, 'oh look, he's got a spot') 'do you still get spots?' Me, 'no'. Her 'you used to'. Me, 'yes, when I was a teenager'. I AM NOW 52!!!!

Yesterday we picked my parents up to drive them to a restaurant where DH's brother lives to join the inlaws, it was an hour long journey and she spent most of it complaining about the length of the journey and DH driving over bumps in the road. When we were due to leave she said to DH 'why is your cab so f***ing high?' 'It's not, he said, it's designed so disabled people can get in so it can't be' 'Yes it is' she said, 'it's f***ing high'.

Never, ever again.

I am a therapists dream

Torry_Quine

I don't think that there's a problem per se with the principle. Isn't it normal behaviour in families. My Dad will tell off sometimes but I do the same to him! To me it's a sign of healthy family dynamics.:o

*Louise*

Ames wrote: »

I phoned dad yesterday and he actually shouted at me and told me off about it.

I would have asked him who the heck he thought he was yelling at then hung up on him.:mad:

There is a big difference between 'having a word' with someone when something goes wrong and shouting the odds about it - that is a complete lack of control and respect for your child as an adult

I don't think I have been shouted at since my teenage years when I still lived at home, but then I'm the older 'sensible' one so there's never any need.

Ames

I've just checked my quidco account and there's £70 due on the next payment run, which covers the cost of a new flight. I don't have time to do the full travelling round I'd planned, but I can get away for a few weeks. So I'm a lot happier now!

I'm also going to use the time to think about how things are with my family. I'll work on making plans for how to react when they do things like this.

londonsurrey

My late FIL was of the type to not complain. I'm definitely a complainer, but I tend to respect people who live by their stated philosophy (i.e. they actually do as they say, not just expect others to do as they say! Lol).
He didn't complain, even when dying of dehydration in the last stages of cancer. I would not want to do that.

However, this is to say that I think there are two separate things when dealing with your father. One is the different philosophies - his silent stiff upper lip expectation of you, and the second that you can be shouted at. Ironically, he's expecting you to shut up about your medical condition while he shouts at you.

The civilised and accepted norm is that he can expect all he wants, but he should not shout at you. And him expecting something doesn't mean that you have to obey.

*max*

Could it be that you have a tendency to be disorganised and it's not the first time something like this has happened?

Maybe he got frustrated at you making the same mistake again and complaining to him about it? Maybe you've complained about being broke before, and he saw this as another waste of money?

I'm not saying this is true, or that his shouting at you is excusable, but it could be an explanation on this occasion.

In any case, he is very insensitive from what you have written, and you have problems that need a sensitive ear, so you should definitely pursue the counselling idea.

Ames

I am disorganised, because of my mental illness, and it's definitely not the first time I've done this sort of thing.

I wasn't complaining to him, I just called him as I do every weekend, to see how he was and everything. As soon as I explained why I was still here, that I'd missed my flight, he started shouting, then ended the conversation.

I can understand that he gets frustrated with me, but I can't help being ill. He gets frustrated with me for using my crutch too, so I think it's more than just annoyance at me wasting money or whatever.

I can see where you're coming from though. I still don't see it as an excuse for shouting though. Lecturing I could understand, making suggestions so I don't do it in future, yes, but going off on one and shouting? It's not just an overreaction, it's counter productive.

*max*

Oh, I agree, and I didn't mean my post to come accross as excusing his behaviour! Only as a possible explanation for his reaction. That doesn't mean he was justified.