Telling off adult children.

Scrapaholic

Hope you get the situation sorted Ames . We have DS , 33yrs + DD, 32 years . I really try not to treat them as children anymore . They are both married with their own children but live close and we see a lot of them . I talk to them as I would my friends and therefore I try not to nag , pry too much and respect that they are adults now . We do expect to be treated in a similar way by them as it should work both ways . Luckily we've always been able to talk openly about many things and can sort out any minor niggles easily . I did actually have to stop myself today from asking DS if he'd washed his hands after the loo . Oh dear ! Old habits die hard .

Nicki

Yes, Judi, neither my parents nor my parents in law know anything about any of our miscarriages other than the first (which was at 17 weeks so they knew about the pregnancy) nor about any difficulties we have had conceiving for the same reasons you cite. Which is more their loss than mine I think. My MIL in particular is very judgmental about how our family is spaced out and will be scandalised if we conceive again at our advanced age of 40+ but if she had not taken it upon herself to "tell us off" for our choices she would in fact know that we started trying to start our family at around the same age she did, and had things been as easy for us as they apparently were for her, we'd have completed our family within a few years of the age she completed hers

londonsurrey

I know someone who is 52. The kitchen sink at his parents' house developed a problem, and he volunteered to fix it for them, which they accepted.

After a lot of fussing from his mother, he proceeded to begin. She kept on saying things like "Don't break it" and "Are you sure you know what you're doing". He repeatedly reassured her, reminding her that as a hobby he's renovated five houses of his own, to develop a mini property portfolio. After the umpteenth time, he finally lost his cool, and suggested that she go ahead and call a plumber to fix the problem. To which she did the "Oh, there's no need to be like that" response.

He fixed it, she was surprised, and said, "Oh, you do know what you're doing". Doh. What on earth did she think he'd been doing all those years, when he'd been regaling her with the tales of his gutted out houses?

System

its funny how these things chip away at your self confidence. They shouldnt, but they do.

Nicki i hope your desire to fall pregnant happens soon. My daughter recently told me she had come off the pill and i am waiting to hear the patter of tiny feet (however, it didnt stop me from telling her off when i caught her smoking the day after). I hope she doesnt look at me through the same eyes that i see my Mom through but at the same time i couldnt not let it pass without passing on my displeasure.

victory

Ames have you ever asked your dad to come along with you to the docs when you have a bipolar appointment?

Have you asked him to read such and such a book so he can understand it for himself?

Can you not direct him to a website so he can read up and learn what you have to go through?

Can you maybe list him the top ten things that you find difficult and open a conversation about it that way?

lostinrates

I wonder from the description of your father, ames, if whether or not he believes in bipolar, he has totally robust mental health....talking about school so long after, and expecting perfection is not so healthy.

But....i will say ime, however much you love someone their mental health can be a hard thing to cope with. Maybe more if you are a parent, i don't know. Seeing people self sabotage through failure to plan ahead and then suffer at avery uinfortunate set of circumstances is also galling for peole lipke me, who are too far the otherway and have the bag packed and everything printed off a week in advance!

Ames

I don't think he has a mental health problem himself, it's more just a generational thing.

Victory, he wouldn't come to an appointment about my mental health. Or any appointment for that matter. He wont read up on it either, I got a load of leaflets but he wasn't interested. He just doesn't think psychiatry is proper medicine, and thinks counselling etc makes problems worse. He hates what he calls 'social worker language', ie anything to do with problems.

I've tried talking about the things I find really difficult. For instance, using the phone, or using buses. He just says I have to get on with it, we all have to do things we don't like, everybody gets a bit down, it's no big deal.

It was years before I realised that whilst everyone might get down, it's not just that I'm useless and can't handle what everyone else brushes off, it's that I'm ill.

londonsurrey

I have been hurt repeatedly by my mother in the past. I think that there are two elements here that I recognise.

The first is when I'm feeling vulnerable. I've had a bad time, and would like some comfort and well, general niceness. So, there's a need there.

The mistake I used to make was if I encountered my mother, I'd talk to her about my bad experience. To be honest, I suppose I expected some niceness, and at the very least I did expect not to have my nose rubbed in it.

The problem was that if I thought about it, history has shown that my mother delighted in having a go at me, and if she were not my mother, but the school bully, I'd twig a WHOLE LOT FASTER not to voluntarily tell her about my problems.

But most of society tells me that Mummy/Daddy are nice, and the people to tell. So the brainwashing did work, and I did want someone to be nice to me, so I went along with it, only to be surprised again. Sad doh.

purple.sarah

I would distance yourself from your father if he doesn't believe you have mental health problems and has a pattern of putting you down and treating you like a child. You are an adult, demonstrate that by being independent, try to ignore him and don't talk to him about problems like missing your flight if he is not supportive.

My ex's parents were very critical, frequently told him off and told him what to do when he was an adult even down to what job to get and refused to believe he had severe depression, thought he was just being silly and were unhelpful to the extent of telling him to stop his meds cold turkey and that counselling would only make his problems worse. Denial is not just a river in Egypt! Needless to say this didn't help with his condition! It raised a red flag for me when you said your father doesn't believe in your bipolar disorder, used to hide your medication and still has a go at you about stuff that happened at school as that is very similar to their behaviour, which I know was very unhealthy, I would hate to see anyone else go through the same thing. Have you discussed the issue of your relationship with your father in counselling? That could help you deal with it.

Ames

I've had trouble getting counselling, but I do want to try that, and talk about all my family relationships, which are pretty toxic.

londonsurry, what you said about society thinking mummy and daddy are all nice and the people to turn to is spot on. I think there's also the attitude that mummy and daddy always know best and so you should do what they say, even as an adult, and it's hard to break that conditioning.