Telling off adult children.

Ames

Duchy - I meant he still tells me off now for being rubbish at sport at school! He's the one holding on to it, not me.

I'm not sure if he's the same with everyone, or if it's just with me.

There's no point talking to him about it. As part of my support plan I said I'd try and involve him more in my health problems, being more honest with him. But it just didn't work, he just wont listen to anything connected to my mental illness.

euronorris

Was it necessary for you to print the boarding pass before leaving for the airport? Most airlines have little machines where you can print them off now. Just a tip for the future.

Shame about the train. They can be sooo unreliable at times!

I think a lot of the problem with your Dad, stems from him not believing in Bipolar Disorder. If he did, and he truly understood the impact it has, he would be more understanding and supportive, I'm sure. I'm not sure what you can do about that one, other than limit contact.

The joke about you finding Mother's Day hard was not on. But.....bear in mind that he may have been finding it difficult himself, and it seems he's not very good at expressing his emotions either, so may have made the joke to try and lighten the mood, or relieve what he considered to be an awkward moment. It doesn't excuse it, but if you understand it better, it might help you to let some of it go a bit.

((HUGS))

quietheart

Ames wrote: »

I was supposed to be going on holiday on Saturday, but due to the day from hell with everything going wrong I missed my flight.

I phoned dad yesterday and he actually shouted at me and told me off about it.

I'm 31, what I did didn't affect him or anyone else, so why tell me off?

I'm still a bit annoyed about it.

Does anyone else get told off by their parents, or do any of you have grown up children that you still tell off?

I think I'm annoyed because it's just one example of little things he does to put me down which upset me a bit.

I think it's time to try and grow a really thick skin. It sounds like your father has always been ready to have a pop at you and unlike most parents, hasn't moved on from the nagging 'I told you so' to the 'oh that's a shame' kind of parenting. In your situation I think a parent should just be supportive, you have mental health issues and I think telling someone off is counter productive.
And I agree, he's probably in denial about your bi-polar disorder. It would be easier if you had something visible to 'prove' your disability (seriously, i've always thought it would be easier if my son's problems were visible, then i wouldn't have to spend time convincing people his issues are real!)
Sorry you missed your flight

Ames

I had to print it off more than four hours before the flight, otherwise it would have cost me £60. Although it'll cost me more than that for a new flight, so lesson learnt.

I agree that a lot of it is down to him not believing in bipolar, but I really don't think there's anything else I can do to change that. He just wont listen. When I lived with him he hid my medication. He refuses to visit me because I can't keep my house tidy enough for his standards (which are stupidly high. He even insists on everyone cleaning the sink when they wash their hands so that there aren't any water marks on it).

I don't think he was finding mothers day hard, when I said I was struggling with all the adverts he hadn't even noticed them. His mum died years ago after having dementia for a long time, when I phoned him on the first mother's day after he hadn't realised the date. Him and my mum divorced years ago and he wasn't affected by her death at all. Other than looking forward to buying her house off me and sister at a knock down price so that he could get back what he lost in the divorce settlement. Obviously me and sis said no to that kind offer!

Ames

quietheart I agree about the 'visible' illness thing. He accepts my diabetes (which he has too), and since I've had to have monthly blood transfusions he accepts my immunodeficiency disorder. But mental illness is, according to him, a scam invented by drug companies and doctors to keep them in business. It didn't exist when he was a kid in the 50s, therefore it doesn't exist now. (I guess that back then they were giving electric shock therapy to perfectly healthy people). He's very much a stiff upper lip, don't show emotions kind of man.

euronorris

60 quid?? Who are you flying with? Let me guess, one of the 'budget' airlines?

Honestly, despite their claims, I find them to be anything but budget! They have hidden charges left, right and centre! Sometimes, it's worth adding on all the extras they charge for (luggage, boarding pass etc), and then comparing it to other airlines. I often find the 'non budget' airlines work out cheaper when the full cost is considered.

Nicki

My parents have tried telling me off as an adult, and my MIL has also tried this with my DH relatively recently (because she thought we were too old at 39 to be having another child). I don't think either will try to do so again! Whilst once a parent, always a parent, I nonetheless think it is incredibly presumptuous to attempt to discipline or judge the actions of your adult offspring, assuming that the decisions or mistakes they are making do not directly impinge upon you. I certainly hope when my children reach adulthood, I will respect them enough to treat them as any other adult in my life, and no longer attempt to control them.

As for not believing you are bipolar and hiding your medication! I am flabbergasted by that. I certainly would not countenance that kind of behaviour (hard I know if you are already vulnerable due to your mental health) and would let him know in no uncertain terms that if he continued to behave in that way he would no longer have a part in my life. That sort of behaviour on his part is just abusive and controlling and could have very serious consequences for your health, so far from getting him more involved in our health plan, I'd be distancing him from it and finding someone more supportive in his place (perhaps an older sibling if you have one).

Ames

Euronorris - yes, it was Ryanair.

Nicki, there isn't anyone else I can turn to really. There's my younger sister but our relationship is pretty strained. As far as my mental illness goes, she either says I need to get over it, or blames anything she doesn't agree with on it, whichever suits her at the time. I don't have any other family, or friends.

System

My parents have tried telling me off as an adult, and my MIL has also tried this with my DH relatively recently (because she thought we were too old at 39 to be having another child).

I can sympathise. When i told my Mom i was expecting my first child she told me i was too young.

When i told her i was having my second child she said it was too soon after my first child had died.

When i told her i was having my third, she said the gap was too close between the two two children.

My 4th she said it was too soon after marrying my husband.

My 5th i was stark raving mad.

My 6th pregnancy i got my husband to ask my StepFather to tell my Mum. I just couldnt face it and i never told her about the miscarriage between number 3 and 4.:(

Ames

Judi, that's awful. Those are the times you need parents to be supportive.