Telling off adult children.

olibrofiz

Yep, my parents always told me off - usually because I wasn't doing something they wanted me to do. I also allowed them to restrict things I've done in life, with emotional blackmail - never, ever let them do that, I really wish I'd been their 'good daughter' on MY terms.

My dad would rant at me then wouldn't speak to me for ages if I did something he didn't approve of (like move house/change jobs). My mum was more supportive, but used my dad as a controlling measure. Guilt trip from both of them.

My dad died 10 years ago now, my mum is still a little controlling, but we had a chat after she threw a wobbly one day. She said that she couldn't see the point in advising me on anything because I never took any notice - I said that I liked hearing her opinion, but it didn't mean I was going to do what she said. Any decision I made was mine to make. We get along much better now

meritaten

grey_lady wrote: »

So Ames,


Meritaten,

Re your mum, Why do you bother? because all it does is reinforce her behaviour that, that's ok and teaches your kids/grandkids that, that's ok. Is it easier to bite your tongue than to stand up to her?

Perhaps - But as my own kids are now grown up and never believed me what mum was really like with me - their own visits at the 'command performance' on Sundays are making them aware of what she is really like. I've given her the rope and she is hanging herself.
I can remove myself - because to my mind its two hours a week and I can sit there and smile and ignore her dictats! for the last 40 years she has tried to intimidate me and it hasnt worked! I do what I want regardless! The ONLY times I have had to have words with her are when she has had a go at MY kids! she is told in no uncertain terms that she has no right to and to keep her mouth shut!
She does adore little ones - and I wouldnt dream of keeping the great-grandkids from her - they love her (for now), when they get older and not so biddable then she will start on them........but not while I am there as she knows now I wont stand for it!
I think that is her problem - while they are little and do what they are told - she loves them to bits - when they get older then they feel the sharp edge of her tongue - I WAS hoping that would dull as she got older, but actually its worse!
It probably does seem strange to you - but dont forget this situation has evolved gradually over many years.

nickj_2

when my mother talks to me i'm sure she still sees me running around in shorts , she normally tells me not to work too hard , wrap up warm etc , all the usual stuff , .... i'm 47 and have been married for 20 years ... just agree with everything they say and then take no notice

grey_lady

It doesnt seem as much strange to me as it does stubborn. Who do you think is winning here, you? really? who do you think is losing here, her? your kids/grandkids?

You might say 'well now they are older they are seeing what she is like and they never believed me before' but how much respect have they had for you for taking 'the crap' out of a sense of a duty? Not a lot!

We dont want our mums to put up with crap, we put our parents on a pedestal, rightly or wrongly. I would say that your actually not doing yourself any favours by allowing your kids/grandkids to see you putting up with being treated badly.

jackieb

nickj wrote: »

when my mother talks to me i'm sure she still sees me running around in shorts , she normally tells me not to work too hard , wrap up warm etc , all the usual stuff , .... i'm 47 and have been married for 20 years ... just agree with everything they say and then take no notice

But that's not telling you off. That's just concern, surely?

jackieb

My son just bought a new car. He's 28. His Dad phoned tonight (he's away working) and I told him he'd picked it up. He had a wee rant about how stupid he was, and did he know the car only did 28mpg and the road tax cost £400 a year.

Our son is normally quite conservative about money. I just told my OH that he'll learn. He's old enough to find out from his own mistakes and he'll have no-one to moan to as it'll be all his own doing. It's not like he's a teenager.

TheConways

I'm an only child, and I often have my mum (not in a nasty way) saying "Ooh, I wouldn't do that, ooh, why do you want to do that" about this, that and the other. I think my parents have this huge desire to protect me because I'm an only child. I point out that I'm 29, married, and live on a different continent!

Whilst some parents seem to have problems about "letting go", often it is meant in a well-meaning manner. After all, you're their offspring, and it's natural that they don't want you to make mistakes.

On the flip side, I frequently tell my mum off for doing things... Smoking, driving after two beers, not getting her dodgy knee seen to by a doc, etc etc.

For the OP - do you mind me asking what your illness is surrounding buses? I have a friend who loves buses, but can't stand planes!

euronorris

jackieb wrote: »

But that's not telling you off. That's just concern, surely?

I'd say so. My Mum's the same, but it's never come accross as a telling off.

Sometimes it gets a bit much though, and I tell her that, and she backs off with the usual 'sorry, sorry. I know you're an adult, but I still worry. You'll always be my baby.' (I'm the youngest). Other times, it's so comforting to have someone be so concerned for you. Makes you feel supported, even though you might be 100's of miles away!

I do often wish that she didn't worry SO much though. It's not good for her, or her heart. And as someone who regularly gets flights alone, I'm quite capable of getting a train between London and Kent on my own, so I'm not sure why this is always a concern during my visits. Heck, I used to do that commute every day! :rotfl:

Reversing the roles though, does anyone ever find themselves telling their folks off? I do, occasionally. Usually involves me telling my Mum to stop worrying so much, I'm OK, and her worrying isn't going to help, it'll only make her ill OR telling her to slow down and rest more, and yes, you really do need to take your heart medication.

jackieb

I'm 44 and if i'm driving out of town I still have to give her a phone when I get home.

My Mum can get flustered over little things. I tell her to calm down and it's nothing to get worked up about. I try to do as much as I can though - like i'll renew her road tax over the phone or arrange her insurance. I'll also take the phone out of her hand if she has a cold caller as she doesn't know how to say she's not interested!

I'm not glad they worry about me, but I am grateful I have someone who cares about me.

pollypenny

OP, your dad is probably worried about you.

Diabetes, no job , let alone bipolar. You also have a lot to handle at uni, eh?