Does any have, or have had, au pairs?

bunty109

When I was a student (so this was about 18 years ago!) I worked for an agency that supplied au pairs to families. Now, I suspect that a lot has changed, as I can't recall at that time that au pairs from English speaking nations were allowed (after all, the idea of an au pair is that they provide childcare in return for pocket money and the chance to learn English).

This may have changed now, but I do remember that 18 years ago £35 was the bare minimum wage offered by most families, and if you wanted extra work doing over about 20 hours a week then you paid for it. We had families willing to pay double the average...and that was 18 years ago.

What I am trying to say is, that although she agreed to the wage, she may not be feeling she is getting much for working what appears to be a lot of hours now she is here. She may feel she needs to stay in of an evening to keep an eye on you and/or feel that £50 a week isn't going to last long if she goes out a lot.

I think you can tackle the juice issue by simply not buying juice. The way she eats is something you may just have to live with. I've had a similar issues with relatives and even make a point of telling my own kids off for speaking with their mouth full in front of them, but people don't realise they do it and don't take the hint!

Finally with regard to the issue about your son and the TV: you have to tell her that you expect them to be going to mother and toddler etc. If there's tumble tots or whatever locally, then pay his subscription and tell her to get him there! She'll meet people and start to make friends herself. The only other thought I had around this was that you said you get a migraine from being around young children for more than a few hours. Maybe she does too. Unfortunately it is a risk you take with au pairs as they are here primarily for an experience rather than to develop their childcare skills.

Zara33

Lillibet actually i just re read what i typed and i was pretty harsh and unfair towards you. I apologise to you for this sorry xx

ktb

Aside of all the other issues... (which I have no personal knowledge about so have decided not to comment on) on the OP's orginal post she praises the aupair then goes on the list a load of faults further down. It sounds like you arent entirely happy with her for quite a few reasons.. both with regard the childcare and on a personal level. Maybe you should think about finding her another more compatible family and finding another aupair for yourself? If not then you definitely need to talk to her and lay down the rules regarding working hours vs hours spent in your company - I know for a fact that it was explained to one of our aupairs that her time off was after 7:30pm and that she was free to go out after this - or be in her room... but that that was my parents time to be in the rest of the house.

They had very specific working hours - so if my mum found that they were spending an intrusive of time with the family outside these hours then she would obviously speak to them and check they were ok/happy and try and suggest social things they could do to try and make some friends - I guess also subtlely letting them know that their free time was best spent away from the family.

We had quite a few aupairs when I was growing up as my parents had to travel with their business a fair bit. Perhaps suprisingly my mum found the 'clingiest' ones were the Aussies and Kiwis. The girls from Europe went off to school a couple of times a week and tended to make friends from there & then have great social lives (sometimes too great but thats a whole different thing )

We found with a few of the girls that really clicked that they truly became part of the family anyway & it wasnt such a problem having them around alot. But these were also probably the ones that didnt 'impose' themselves on you anyway.

Not sure you can do much about the chomping.. except bite the bullet & keep telling her when she is doing it. We all have annoying habits and most of the time have NO idea what we are doing. But that also means that its hard to stop them, so we need to be told plenty of times before we are able to change.

You may find if you try and lay down the law regarding food and drink it comes back to haunt you... prob best just not to buy the stuff unless you think she'll take being told she 'cant' have certain things well? Or ration your buying of stuff... ?

Not quite the same thing but one of the Aussie girls we had used to help herself to my parents alcohol, but as she always drank out of a mug it took a while for them to cotton on (they just thought she liked tea & coffee alot) needless to say she didnt keep her job long much after that. But obviously if its only juice its not a sackable offence!

As for having sex in your own house.. that is your business... if you would be happy doing it with your son in the house what is the difference if she is there?

oldMcDonald

Zara33 wrote:

I disagree i think everything that was said last night was only scratching the surface.

The sweeping statements that the OP made afterwards regarding people getting DLA was utterly disgusting :mad: "survival of the fitest" ermmm no actually the DLA is there to help not so fit..

The OPs comments have been very negative towards DLA claimants, her opinion appearing to be something like 'If I can see ways to fake then everyone else must be able to / be doing so as well.'

Zara33 wrote:

I still stand by everything i said last night, afraid no apologises from me. I say it how i see it i'm afraid and if that offends others then possibly use the ignore button thanks.

And I applaud you for that :T FWIW I agree with you and any messages that I may have thanked from you or any posters is because I honestly think that you are right. The OPs attitude towards DLA claimants stinks...which is something considering she is one of those claimants.:rolleyes:

My appology to the OP is purely down to the fact that I was carrying over my anger at one of her previous posts to this thread. If I had joined in and said my piece then it would have been fair to thank others for questioning her and her opinions regarding DLA and the people claiming it. However, I chose to be silent this time and, us such, think it was unfair of me to thank any threads that may have caused any upset and anger. (However much I have felt towards some of her previous posts.)

sarahlouise210

I am sorry if some have felt that comments on here last night were shocking ...yes the debate got heated at times..but in my opinion the MOST shocking think of all is that Miss K blatantly admitted she would fake further symptoms to continue getting DLA...blatantly admitted to running up and down the stairs to affect heart monitor readings...I could go on and on..but anyone can sit and go through months of her posts(like I did) and come to their own conclusions-if only the DWP could do the same. I believe that the thread would have been better off in The Arms as there was no moneysaving aspect (oh..unless you count the fact that you can hire an au pair to look after your child..then a few months later find out about direct payments and say YOU need the care and get £200 per week!) ...the OP is not happy with the amount of time the au pair spends with her...but the point is - this Au Pair is actually a "personal asst" who is there to care for Miss K ..ready to intervene with her son if she should black out..therefore the au pair MUST be with her to fulfil her role. If the original post had read "I have a carer as I blackout...I get DLA...the carer is paid for by direct payments..but I am fed up with her being with me and thought she would go out and give me some peace!" ..then maybe it would have been clearer to everyone that this is actually the case. I stand by every word I said last night - I spent hours going through her posts to make sure I was getting my fact right - as far as Miss K is concerned everyone on DLA is either faking or exaggerating (her words) this is not the case. As Miss K has said herself..no-one can prove she has not got this condition ....it is like the man in the pub boasting he is working on the side - keep your mouth shut and no-one will be any the wiser - make rash statements and admissions and everyone will know what you are up to. It is easy on an anonymous forum to admit to faking..then say your not..then say well why not..the list goes on. Anyway...enough time wasted on worrying about her antics - I am the first to help and give advice to those in need - Miss K has admitted she cannot manage to spend all the disability benefits she gets ...and that is why she has admitted that she will continue to say she has symptoms. "shocking" ...yes ....and I am not sorry for saying so.

Lillibet_2

I wanted to add a bit more to what I said this morning but I am not really sure how to start. I don't want to edit my previous post so I guess I'll just plunge in as the BG's & mods have failed to step in.

I know absoutely nothing about DLA credits or any other benefits (In this respect I have been very fortunate in my life) . I know a little about au pairing having breifly dipped my toe into that particualr murkey pool. I know a little about this site, having been around here for a couple of years & have received some excellent advice & made lovely cyber-friends through it. I am not judging the OP as I simply don't klnow enough about her personal circumstances. In my 1st post on this thread I simply tried to answer her question without cross referencing it with anything else which may have been said on other threads etc, as is my norm. I try to help or offer my opinion where I think I have something relevent to offer. I am simply horrified at the way other posters have been attacking the OP in their posts. For all I know you may be correct & the OP wrong, or , as is perfectly possibel when we are not privvy to the full story, it might be a case of 2+2 equalling 5. But regardless of who is right & who is wrong, regardless of whether the OP has explained herself fully or mis-led anyone intentionally or otherwise, things have got very heated & this is not the usual attitude on MSE. Whilst I respect that everyone is entitled to their views & opinions, please can we all try to express them in a less agressive way? Remember that old MSE rule : be nice to all moneysavers!

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle

Ok sod all this rubbish - we are not here to judge people are we? I think the OP asked for some advice that never once mentioned her disability so why has that now been brought into it! Alot of you should be ashamed with yourself. If someone asks for advice i dont see why all of their previous post history needs to come into it!

Now for the very little bit of advice regarding the au paire (sp?). I am also 21 and thought of bringing one into my home too - what you need to do is treat her as if it were a flat mate but obviously you have more say as you are the bill payer etc, you need to be a bit firmer and stop being scared of the confrontation - there is no need as it can be done in a nice way. Just like alot of the earlier advice given.

If all else fails you will have to accept that she is not a sociable person as such and prefers to be home rather than out making friends. If this is the case then you will just have to learn to accept it or find someone new. In a sense au pairs are not employees but like a family helper so you have to treat them like one and give them their respect too - which can be hard when you feel its your home! I suppose this is what the small sum £50 a week reflects.

I know its not much but i hope that has been a tad of help!

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle

Wise words Lillibet - i agree with your post (#98).

sarahlouise210

Lillibet ...I appreciate your comments ....I honestly dont think most of the opinions from the people on this thread last night could have been expressed in a less aggressive way - I certainly did not wish to appear aggressive and felt that each reply was based on the information Miss K freely supplied herself .:rolleyes: .my replies were opinionated..yes...if you read through I think that some of Miss K`s posts were a bit aggresive but then I can understand that as she was taking the stick. Sometimes we are all nothing but human ...:o I remember the MSE rule "be nice to moneysavers" and I think if you have seen my posts on a regular basis you would know I usually am. This thread just crossed the line for me and touched a raw nerve - I am all for giving the benefit of the doubt..but sorry ..in this case 2 plus 2 = DLA, tax credits, au pair, etc etc ."because if the government are stupid enough to give it to me..then why not?" is her reasoning... It is not really a case of being privvy to the whole story - Miss K has basically outlined the full story in black and white (not just this thread....its the old ones that make the interesting reading) .. Its the age old story ....OK..I am the bad guy for stating the obvious. I take my punishment -:o but you know...many of us here have real problems and struggle..and it is our taxes that are paying for Miss K to have an au pair for her son - when in fact she claims she is a carer for herself....who she does not want with her cramping her style! I give up...............:rolleyes2 :lipsrseal :huh: :silenced:

Bewitched2761

I had an au pair 10 years ago and the rules from the agency we went through were quite strict, the au pair was only allowed to work for 20 hours a week any extra hours had to be paid for. The agency also advised us that the au pair was to be integrated into the family share meals etc and we were responsible for providing meals drinks etc. We also encouraged her to take classes and generally help her finding her feet in this country(she was from slovakia)
At the time my youngest children were 3 and 1 yr and the agency were quick to point out that the au pair was not a nanny and was to be thought of as a trusted babysitter, they are not nannies neither are they carers. My concern would be for the length of time that the au pair is caring for your son in sole charge and also then becomes your carer? slightly confused that any agency would allow an au pair to take up such a responsible position with virtually no experience?
I think you probably need to suggest things that you would like her to do with your child, but perhaps you need to spend more time with him also so she has more time off.
As for the juice issue , have you discussed menu§s etc with her and taken into account food that she would like to eat?
Have you thought that perhaps the reason she is with you so much is a confusion over what her role is? you seem to be expecting her to wear so many different hats , nanny, carer etc, perhaps you need to redefine exactly what you expect of her and what her hours are, if they were more reasonable perhaps you would find her more enthusiastic when caring for your child?