Does any have, or have had, au pairs?

missk_ensington

Hi everyone,

As some of you know I have a live in au pair, she's my second one and on the whole everything is great, she's a lovely girl and great with my son, honest, reliable..... all is fine and dandy but there are a few queries/niggles I wanted to ask about.

Firstly, how much time do you spend with your au pair? I go out most Friday nights when DS is at the in-laws and it always ends up her coming too because I dont like leaving her sat in the house on her own week in week out.

I'm a really independent person and love being on my own, and I'm starting to tire of having someone sat on the settee with me 7 nights a week watching tv. What can I do? I only have one lounge, but I thought with her being Australian and speaking english she'd have found friends easily and be out every night when she's not working. Seemingly not.....

Secondly, this is kind of awkward and most people prob wont understand as Im sure you're all married, but I'm 21 and very much single. To put it tactfully, have I sacrificed my sex life for the next 12 months by having an au pair??? Bearing in mind we live in a small terraced house!

There are also a few other little niggles....I come home from work and the house is like a furnace - the heatings been on all day on full pelt! Also, I keep buying the 3 cartons of juice from ASDA for £2.25 or whatever it is....it's gone within 24 hours! I worked out its costing me £15 a week in juice. I'm not well off and my weekly food budget is only £45 a week for 3 of us.

Finally, she does something that I absolutely hate. Seriously, it !!!!es me off so much I want to scream or hit someone every time she does it. She chomps her food. Loudly. We'll be sat watching telly and I can feel my Blood pressure rising.

Anyone else had little niggles like this? Any advice??

All posts will be thanked x

hobo28

I've never had an au-pair. It was something I did think about but didn't do exactly for the reason you said. I liked my privacy and alone time.

I do think that if you have employed an au-pair then you have to accept that you in effect now have an extra member of the family. Thats in fact what an au-pair means.

She's not an employee in the traditional sense and you can't expect her to go out when it suits you.

When you live with someone, there will always be something you dislike and have to accept. I'm sure she could probably list a few bad habits you have too. Personally I wouldn't bring it up.

The simple answer to the juice thing is to simply buy cordial or not at all. If she were say a childminder or nanny, I'd say tell her not to drink your nice juice but as an au-pair I think it would be unfair of you to raise it as I doubt you'd say the same thing to any other member of your family.

sarahlouise210

missk_ensington wrote:

Hi everyone,

As some of you know I have a live in au pair, she's my second one and on the whole everything is great, she's a lovely girl and great with my son, honest, reliable..... all is fine and dandy but there are a few queries/niggles I wanted to ask about.

Firstly, how much time do you spend with your au pair? I go out most Friday nights when DS is at the in-laws and it always ends up her coming too because I dont like leaving her sat in the house on her own week in week out.

I'm a really independent person and love being on my own, and I'm starting to tire of having someone sat on the settee with me 7 nights a week watching tv. What can I do? I only have one lounge, but I thought with her being Australian and speaking english she'd have found friends easily and be out every night when she's not working. Seemingly not.....

But I thought that the reason you had the Au pair was because you NEEDED someone with you all the time because of your blackouts....I do not know how to quote previous posts but you have said in October that this is why you get DLA and indeed asked for direct payments to pay for it!!!! So...as I see it - you enjoy receiving the money for Au pair (who I imagine is actually looking after your child all day) but although you say you needed a carer to watch you ....you dont really want them with you and you like being on your own!!!!

You have said yourself in previous posts how you will continue to say you have symptoms even if you dont...as you dont want to lose the money. If you really want to be on your own and feel your privacy is invaded then you cannot(in my opinion) be worried about what could happen if you black out...you yourself said when considering an au pair that you would need to be with them from 5pm onwards...you cannot have it all ways!

Secondly, this is kind of awkward and most people prob wont understand as Im sure you're all married, (why ???) but I'm 21 and very much single. To put it tactfully, have I sacrificed my sex life for the next 12 months by having an au pair??? Bearing in mind we live in a small terraced house! dont see why...no different than having teenagers in the room next door - what about your au pairs sex life ????


There are also a few other little niggles....I come home from work and the house is like a furnace - the heatings been on all day on full peltDiscuss this ...she has come from a warm climate !! Also, I keep buying the 3 cartons of juice from ASDA for £2.25 or whatever it is....it's gone within 24 hours!discuss this...maybe buy squash....this I worked out its costing me £15 a week in juice. I'm not well off and my weekly food budget is only £45 a week for 3 of us. (maybe she drinks as she is hungry!)

Finally, she does something that I absolutely hate. Seriously, it !!!!es me off so much I want to scream or hit someone every time she does it. She chomps her food. Loudly. We'll be sat watching telly and I can feel my Blood pressure rising. Sounds as if she is really getting on your nerves like a boyfriend your going off ..but cant get rid of!

Anyone else had little niggles like this? Any advice??

All posts will be thanked x

:rolleyes:

Lillibet_2

Has she got a TV in her own room? If not I'd personally buy her one (or try freecycle), and a digi box! Maybe worth chatting with her a bit about it first, something along the lines of "I know you must miss having your own privacy just like I do so I thought a TV in your room would give us both a bit of independent chill-out time". Also I'd put a radio & mini fridge in there too, but make sure you make it about her & giving her some independence away from you, not about you;)
Could you look up some things for her to do in your local area? Try putting together a folder with details of clubs, pubs, speed dating events, etc, when you give it to her say something like "I should have given this to you when you arrived, sorry it's so late". You could also include a list of basic household rules, like "I only go grocery shopping once a week so please make sure everything lasts or you replace it"
When you go out on a friday night just don't ask her, if you really feel the need to justify it then say it is a special occasion or something & leave her a bottle of wine or something the first time you go without her.

I was (breifly!) an au pair in Switzerland when I was 18, the agency that placed me made sure that every au pair had a experienced au pair "buddy" to help them find their feet in a new country & had occasional "mixer" parties, about one every 2 months I think, for au pairs to meet up which helped hugely in forming freindships etc. It also ment that au pairs could team up on childrens outings etc. Could you look into wheter there is anything along these lines available to you?

HTH & good luck;)

Smashing

So have you actually discussed any of this with her?
Minor issues are likely to get blown out of proportion when you bottle them up - have you established house rules? Do you talk about how she is getting on? Is she lonely perhaps?

If nothing is said, how is she supposed to know there is a problem?

Justie

I've been an au pair/mother's help and I never really felt comfortable being around the family (not because of anything they'd done I just knew I was an employee so didn't want to socialise with them). It's hard to break patterns once they start but I would second the idea of a tv in her room and to encourage her to spend some of her time there. I'd also see if there are other local nannies and au pairs for her to meet - does she take your child to playgroups or anything? That's often a good way of meeting people.

If however you need her to be around you for medical reasons then that's different but as I don't know anything about that I can't comment.

missk_ensington

I need her around for medical reasons, incase I blackout it is to ensure my 3 y/o doesn't burn the house down or run out onto the main road etc. Once he's in bed or at the in-laws for 2 days this isn't a problem. Yes, I could blackout and injure myself but that's a risk I'm willing to take rather than to have someone at my side constantly.

My last au pair was much quieter (German girl) and she often had things to be doing, she found a German Ex-pat website and met up with people locally, she was also happy calling up my friends and going to the pub for a game of pool for a couple of hours midweek which I didn't mind as it gave me a breather.

My assumption that most host families were married wasn't meant to seem funny, just all the ones I've spoken to just are! If my son was a teenager in the next room that too would make me very uneasy about shagging a bloke that wasn't his dad!

Not sure whjy she's drink because she's hungry??? Why would she be hungry there are 3 big meals a day available to her and plenty of snacks.

Heating, yes she's from a warm climate but that isn;t a reason to have the heating at a constant 40 degree's then wander round in a vest in February.

We laid house rules at the start, but those were geared mainly towards my son, how to care for him, what to do/not to do, when her days off were....etc etc. I never thought to mention juice, or food chomping cos I didn't think it'd be a problem. I'd like to say nothing, but I can't afford not to say anything. £15 a week in juice is just nuts, and I've stopped buying it but I like juice myself.

Does she go to toddler groups? No. She sits in and watched Nick Jr all day, with an occassional break to the duck pond. I didn't like saying anything because I didn't want to upset her or sound pushy, but I dont like DS sat in watching telly day in day out. I've hinted that there is a group 9-11 down the road on a Thursday but the hint doesn;t seem to have gone in.

Also, I hired her because she had a driving licence and thought she'd be able to use my car a couple of days a week when I get the train to work..... It turns out she can only drive automatic! :-(

I can't not have an au pair because of my blackouts and the hours I work are beyond that of nursery opening hours, I just wondered if its normal to have a few things that p1ss you off, and how much time do other people spend with their au pairs? Would it be mean of me to just go out on a Friday night and leave her to make her own plans???

missk_ensington

PS. Yes TV is in the room although it can only receive whatever's on the main TV via a receiver box because the house has no aerial just Sky. Still, I dont think she's ever switched it on.

I've even bought her a Playstation off ebay, its not a new one just basic old Playstation but thought it might occupy her a little.

Rachie_B

suggest she find other au pairs / nannies to meet up with

try https://www.netmums.com meet a "mum" page
https://www.nannyjob.co.uk message board

Even if she just "does" things with your son rather than just allow him to watch TV ! arts n crafts etc

is she any good at baking / cooking ??!

walks to the park etc,mention / suggest things to do nearby and say you WANT her to take your son there

at the end of the day you are paying her to look after your son ,you are her employer, so state what she MUST do dont just "hint"

as for the food chomping........... hmmm a tricky one lol
just hope your son doesnt follow her (bad) example !

is this her first au pair job BTW ?

missk_ensington

Rachie_B wrote:

is she any good at baking / cooking ??!

Yeah, if I buy those Bob the Builder packets for about £1.60 and don;t mind choking on it :rotfl:

Thanks I'll def go on those websites and have a look. She's quite arty, so maybe I'll get some some from that Hobbycraft place.

Yeah its her first au pairs job, but I don't think she's a "kiddy" person. I don't really like young children, my own gives me migraine after an hour, I have hardly any patience and would rather be at work, I prefer them when they get to 4+ and then I'm okay but that is why i dont sit at home because I know I can't stand it. She has almost as little patience as I have and she's chosen this career!

He's quite noisy and hyper (Apparently just like I was as a child, and his Dad too) and she constantly telling him to sit down and be quiet. It's like being noisy is being naughty, which I don't agree with. He asked a lot of questions, mainly "Buy Why?" and this seems to annoy her after 3-4 times.

Maybe I'm just being pedantic, I really don't know. I guess she isn;t a qualified nanny so i can't expect professional standards - had kind of assumed though an au pair would actually have a natural fondness for children!

Rachie_B

missk_ensington wrote:

and she constantly telling him to sit down and be quiet. It's like being noisy is being naughty, which I don't agree with. He asked a lot of questions, mainly "Buy Why?" and this seems to annoy her after 3-4 times.

Maybe I'm just being pedantic, I really don't know. I guess she isn;t a qualified nanny so i can't expect professional standards - had kind of assumed though an au pair would actually have a natural fondness for children!

:eek: and you are happy to leave your small child in her care "all day"

No, au pairs arent qualified (mostly) but god you have to at least "like" children and understand them ! and want to be working with them !