Birthday Meal Ettiquette?

marywooyeah

tea_lover wrote: »

The £8.95 option sounds much better! What do you think her reaction would be if you suggested it?

Haven't read the whole thread but is it possible the girlfriend could change the order with the restaurant to the £8.95 deal? might be worth mentioning to her.

fluffnutter wrote: »

When did it become OK for people to expect others to stump up for things they have no real choice about?? Birthday parties, engagement parties, weddings, hen and stag dos, baby showers (they make me want to die - pay for your own offspring!)

uggh I hate those baby showers - I'm pregnant, buy me a present! the worst is when women throw their own showers, or get a friend to organise a "surprise" shower.

elvis86 wrote: »

As for the £10 deposit - as far as I can see, it's a total none issue requiring no excuses on your part. You accepted an invitation to a party at a cricket club, the plan has now changed to dinner at a restaurant (which will cost you significantly more), so you're politely declining. You're not obliged to provide a deposit for something that you never expressed any intention of attending!

^ ^ ^ this - she's changed it too much so the original acceptance no longer represents the plans as they stand now. I'd just say "its not as cheap and cheerful for me babe" and tell your friend you'll buy him a belated birthday pint at some point.

miss_independent

Peater wrote: »

Just to try and gain some clarity on the 'host always pays' rules:

If i say to a friend 'Hey, you fancy grabbing some dinner after work?'. Does that mean i am then obligated to pay? If so, i cant quite grasp how society has functioned up until this point? Is there a line?

I agree that if it's some grand event/celebration (Wedding/Anniversary/Wake) then i'd probably expect not to be charged per se. But for a group of friends going out for a meal? Yes, i would pay my way. Infact, i'd feel uncomfortable if someone paid for everyone. (I'd feel obligated to take them out in return).

Dining with friends is a mutually beneficial exercise. It's fun! If you
can't afford it, fine, don't go. Just don't let slip that you think they should have offered to pay.....

Oh yes, if it's "do you fancy going for a meal next week?", always the individual pays. That I do know! However in the two recent cases it was a case of, "oh by the way, you are invited to my birthday party, it's only my family and you and A and that's it. You HAVE to come or it will ruin my night." and " SAVE THE DATE! X would like to request the pleasure if your company at his 30th Birthday Party on x of April 2012. RSVP to Y."

I do have an older friend who I frequently meet for coffee and works by the whoever asks the other to meet for coffee pays (he told me the first time we met up outside of each others houses/work so I know where I stand with him.) but I would NEVER expect this from anyone else.

I also have to say in the "Do you wanna go for a meal next week?" scenario, you tend to come to a mutual agreement over where to eat based on budget/tastes/availability whereas in the "you are invited to my birthday meal" situation you don't get a say in where you eat, the price range, the date, the company you bring (i.e boyfriend) and you may have to make an extra special effort to attend, which of course is worth it for a close friend. I prefer to pay as I've said before, I want the special people in my life to be there without worrying about how much it will cost them, and because I'd like to choose the setting/meal without feeling like I'm forcing them to pay to eat somewhere they might never ordinarily choose to eat because of price etc or that they just don't know about it. I would always choose somewhere that options I know my friends like are on the menu but it's happened twice now that I've had to pay a fortune for a meal I haven't enjoyed, and struggled to afford as well as providing a present for people who have made me feel like I am letting them down if I don't attend. I have had to cancel other plans, arrange for Carer's to come in and relieve me of my caring duties etc, basically make a lot of effort but because it is a birthday celebration I feel some guilt saying no. I don't expect my friend's to arrange a babysitter, buy me a gift, pay petrol to attend a venue 45 minutes away in the country (there and back), and then pay £40 for pasta, garlic bread and a glass of wine and then also buy a round of drinks - but the exact opposite has happened to me and I'm sorry if it's unpopular but I do think that is a bit cheeky and I would never
expect it off someone else. I'd rather just make everyone a meal at my house than put my friends to that bother and expense. But then, that wouldn't look as impressive on facebook for some people would it?

DevilsAdvocate1

TBH, I don't think she's ditzy at all. In fact, I think she is tight and very clever. The original plan would have cost her and her partner money. Now they get to have a more expensive night but it costs them way less because they get everyone to pay for themselves.

I have never heard of a restaurant charging a deposit on the number of people mentioned at the initial enquiry. It is only when the deposit is paid that the place is reserved. Then if you don't turn up it is lost.

I hope your friend realises what a tight fisted girlfriend he has before he marries her. I am ditzy, but I still get presents when my children go to parties. Sometimes they might not get them on the day of the party (I am ditzy after all :rotfl:) but they do get them eventually.

Peater

@miss - In this situation, i totally empathise with your situation and don't think it's 'off' just to politely decline. Seeing as you have to go to some expense before you even leave the house (caring duties etc) then being black-mailed into paying for overpriced food that you don't enjoy isn't on. I think your friend will understand, it's clear that his partner won't though....

As for 'apologising' to your friend. Don't grovel just because his missus has made you feel bad (which you shouldn't). Just a quick call/face to face in the week after saying 'Sorry i couldn't make your birthday, i just couldn't afford it this month. Perhaps we could go for a quick drink on X?'

The missus will just have to lump it.

Judith_W

Surely if it is a £10 deposit, this is going to be used towards the end bill and therefore if you don't go, she just needs to pay your deposit up front and will get it back when the final bill is paid? Therefore nothing for you to feel bad about.

SandC

She's obviously clueless. When you book a restaurant or event you give them an idea of numbers and they make the booking on a provisional basis. They give you a date when they need deposits by. At that point, on receipt of the deposits, the numbers become final.

If someone decides to pay deposits up front from people who haven't coughed theirs up yet then that is their tough luck if they change their minds. But by the sounds of it she will not have done this.

As for paying for people if you invite them to a meal. That has never happened in any of my social circles. If it was to happen then whoever was doing the inviting would make it very clear that they were treating everyone and I can only imagine it would be because they were far more affluent than the rest of the group and wanted to go somewhere pretty exclusive. We always organise things on the basis of what we feel everyone can afford but are never offended if anyone declines on the basis that they are skint.

jess1974

Can you not just have a prior arrangement that you just can't get out of...........

supermezzo

I'll warrant that you're not the only one who will feel unable to attend. In fact, I wonder if the fact that she is being so silly about you paying a deposit is a reflection that, having changed all the details, she's found that others beside yourself have backed out, and is having to try ways of making people go now?

supermezzo

Oh...lightbulb moment - Is she ditzy enough to assume that all the people who accepted the original cricket club invitation will just go along with this change of plan? And having assumed that, has she already been and paid a tenner a head deposit, which is why shes saying you need to pay anyway?
In which case, that's her look out. She wants to assume, her problem.
Do tell your mate face to face whats happened though. I'm sure you won't be the only one who is put out/unable to afford it/not happy at he changes.

Valli

Peater wrote: »

Just to try and gain some clarity on the 'host always pays' rules:

If i say to a friend 'Hey, you fancy grabbing some dinner after work?'. Does that mean i am then obligated to pay? If so, i cant quite grasp how society has functioned up until this point? Is there a line?

No, because that's a casual invitation - but if you say 'I'm having a party for my birthday; would you like to come?', get an answer THEN say 'It's at xxx restaurant and I need £X deposit...'

It's about the phrasing - be upfront with the invitation ESPECIALLY if you expect the guest to cough up - so the invitation needs to be worded accordingly, and give the 'guest' some idea of the cost and the chance to decline your kind invitation to help them spend their money without making them feel like a pauper because they aren't able to stump up £50 AND buy a gift.