Birthday Meal Ettiquette?

mummyoftwomonkeys

I worked for a shop for a number of years part time and shortly after the birth of my son the shop was bought out, the staff arranged a leaving do and it was something along the lines of - pay £20 and you can invite up to 8 people, I couldn't go as the only people who ever offered to baby sit for me were also going because they were the guests of someone else that worked there, and I wasn't going to pay £20 to go alone so I declined the invite, then as it got closer they realised that they didn't have enough money and said as I wasn't going could I please pay £5 to cover costs I laughed and said no I don't think so!

Brighton_belle

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

There's a word for that - and it's 'tough'. She can't charge you when she has changed the venue - without telling you. You say she's ditzy but it works out good for her, all this ditzyness, doesn't it?

Got to agree with every word of this.
You just can't afford it Miss I. Really, her behavour is far from normal in the 'Really Good Friends Book of Essential Qualities'. You'll find kindness and thoughtfulness listed in that one too,lol as well as a list of excellent ways not to screw your friends over financially in order to live a life you cannot afford.

Valli

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Got to agree with every word of this.
You just can't afford it Miss I. Really, her behavour is far from normal in the 'Really Good Friends Book of Essential Qualities'. You'll find kindness and thoughtfulness listed in that one too,lol as well as a list of excellent ways not to screw your friends over financially in order to live a life you cannot afford.

In fact I think you should BUY her this book as a gift. Just so she gets the point;)

miss_independent wrote: »

she expects him not to be left out at school parties, doesn't buy birthday gifts for these friends birthdays so the child turns up empty handed, they don't buy him birthday or Christmas presents as they "don't have to, everyone else gets them for him", and generally just has a lot of double standards). She was the first person I ever met to throw a baby shower, wants a destination wedding, expecting everyone to pay for travel, hotel etc but complained about her sister's destination wedding. At her birthday meal (which yes, I paid for) none of us got any of the cake as we didn't pay for it. She wont be having a wedding cake as what is the point as you pay for other people to eat it?! You get the picture!

And how long before his school friends stop inviting him?

And keeping the cake to herself? - incredible!

She'd be OFF my christmas card list, sharpish!

persa

I don't think it's normal for the birthday boy/girl to pay for all the guests, but I do think it's normal to split the bill evenly if a large party is dining together a la carte. That means if the others order the steak and/or many bottles of wine, even if you have a pitiful little salad and tap water, you are going to have to contribute more than you can afford in your current financial circumstances. I would decline the invitation on that basis.

A real friend would understand why you weren't there on the night and be horrified that their OH had organised a birthday celebration not everyone could attend.

Some people are just thoughtless - I always pay heed to the circumstances of the poorest person in the group. If the people I'm going out with include students, I suggest a national chain with a 50% voucher, not a fancy restaurant with a Michelin star!

miss_independent

Thanks everyone, I now know that when you invite someone to a birthday meal, you are inviting them to pay for their own meal and so I can make informed decisions about wether to go or not. But I have to say, I'm still sticking to the way I do things myself even if others see me as being a mug!

Also, there seems to be a little confusion, she is the girlfriend of my friend and not really an actual friend of mine. I just hope he understands, I will probably pop a little note in with his pressie (his book!) explaining I couldn't come because of finances and I hope he understands, I'd love to be there and hope he has a great night.

miss_independent

Also, I have to say, when I've paid for people who I invite to a meal no one has ever seemed shocked?!

Brighton_belle

miss_independent wrote: »

Also, I have to say, when I've paid for people who I invite to a meal no one has ever seemed shocked?!

I'm going to a friends special birthday meal at a restaurant next week - they would be shocked if I expected to pay too. As far as they are concerned, they want to celebrate their birthday wth their friends in a nice restaurant, therefore they pay. They can afford it (they are also considerate and generous and aware of firend on lower incomes). At times in their life when they couldn't afford it, they would be the first to host a party at their own home rather than aspire to life style choices they couldn't afford.

But most times I have celebrated other friends birthdays, we have paid individually, but the venue has always therefore been lowkey, so all guests could find something they could afford.

faerie~spangles

1) The gf is out of order pressuring you for £10. For all you know that money is going into her pocket!

2) You have found a gift which you feel is perfect for your friend... And at a very MSE price:j

3) I would be tempted to turn up at the venue after the meal and wish your friend a happy birthday and give him his gift.

4) You don't have to give any explanations.

The gf doesn't sound ditsy she sounds passively aggressive.

5) STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT!

missprice

It is a very obvious thing to me
you wont be the only one not going:cool:
out of 50 people around 5 or 6 will be unable to go and your just one of those
tell her to sling her hook you wont pay the deposit, things changed and you don't like the food and you wont be going, therefore you wont pay.

Can I just add I wish my birthday was not in the Aug bank hol.
every year I invite people and say its ok you dont have to agree cos its in the bank hol and most people are away so you probs will be too
for my 40th I had a whole 5 people there including me
but at least 30 had said oh yes of course we will come it your 40th after all.
then they forgot. I ask early and remind often
not going to do that anymore:)

Peater

Just to try and gain some clarity on the 'host always pays' rules:

If i say to a friend 'Hey, you fancy grabbing some dinner after work?'. Does that mean i am then obligated to pay? If so, i cant quite grasp how society has functioned up until this point? Is there a line?

I agree that if it's some grand event/celebration (Wedding/Anniversary/Wake) then i'd probably expect not to be charged per se. But for a group of friends going out for a meal? Yes, i would pay my way. Infact, i'd feel uncomfortable if someone paid for everyone. (I'd feel obligated to take them out in return).

Dining with friends is a mutually beneficial exercise. It's fun! If you can't afford it, fine, don't go. Just don't let slip that you think they should have offered to pay.....