I Don't feel like I Can go ahead...

MentalMinnie

Thanks for all the replies...To be honest, we didn't see each other last night, he worked late and I was already asleep when he got back (I was knackered) i won't see him tonight as he's travelling for the football, so it'll be the early hours before he's home, then I'm going out straight after work tomorrow. I doubt we'll see each other til Saturday afternoon. I think I need the time to decide on how to approach things and have a good think.

sugarwalsh

Best of luck Minnie - I think a bit of time to allow a bit of perspective is good. As I said in a previous post, we can't really help as we are only privy to the tiny bit of information you have put on here. Clearly this isn't a reflectin of the whole of your relationship. You can come on here and ask our opinions and there will be many varied ones, but make sure you listen to your heart on this one.
Megan

floss2

elvis86 wrote: »

If I'm upset or unhappy about something and I want to raise it with the person with whom I'm in a committed relationship, I don't have to write a letter. I just speak to him?

I appreciate that you're trying to be helpful, but to be honest, if the OP cannot raise this kind of thing with her OH face-to-face and be sure that he will give due consideration to her concerns; perhaps she should think about whether she should be in a relationship with him?

Going forwards in their married life together, is she to spend months agonising over every issue that she and her OH ecounter, before putting pen to paper and crossing her fingers that he takes the time to read and address her concerns?

I think what's needed here is a frank discussion with the OH. The OP needs to assert herself more and not let this kind of thing build up. It's her wedding. Nobody can or should force her to do anything that she doesn't want to, least of all the man she's about to commit the rest of her life to, for the sake of appeasing his mother!

Not everybody is as forthright as you seem to be, and not everybody can have a calm frank conversation about something that is obviously very close to the OP's heart.

Telling her to "assert herself" is all very well, but it doesn't really help the situation that she has found her self in, and it doesn't really add anything to the advice she's already been given, except perhaps get her even more stressed and upset because she can't do as you want her to. Some people do not have the inner resource to do this, not everyone is the same (and indeed if we were the world would be a boring place).

Sometimes writing a letter or list of points can be very useful as a starting point, or even just to see how rational / irrational the issues are when seen in black and white. It also helps the other person to understand exactly what the problems are and to be able to start to resolve them.

sweetilemon

I had written a long reply yesterday, just about to send and dropped my phone and the battery ran out!

Anyway, I had bascially said I totally know where you are coming from, both my MIL and my parents (my mum) were a complete nightmare with who we were inviting, all the details etc. In one breath saying its your wedding and its up to you, in the next breath saying oh you can't do that, you need to have this etc. As some may remember from a post months ago my mum and I fell out over the colour scheme and my sisters dress, she got her way, not because I backed down but because she had put my sister off the colour and I felt like everyone would be focusing on the colour of my bridesmaid not the wedding. Although I still chose a colour I liked, not what she wanted. My MIL asked to come wedding dress shopping with me but as she looked through a magazine and said "your not getting a dress like that" ( in all fairness I didn't like it but thats not the point) I decided to shop and pay for my dress and then let my mum and MIL see it. Both parents were upset with who is going to be invited, although most requests have been met, if not day for evening apart from my mums friends as she went in a mood and told them all they aren't invited as its a 'budget' wedding then in the next breath moaning because 'none' of her friends are invited...I would have invited them to the evening and will still be happy to but she's the one who has told them they aren't invited!!! And constantly tellls people the venue then says "not where I would have chosen...but...budget wedding" NO! We're spending about £10k (excluding honeymoon) but have chosen then venue and everything else for our personal preferance and what we thought was worth the money. Yes it may be cheaper than the £7k venue we looked at but the staff were horrible and we didn't like the food! Argh! MIL wants to invite everyone and the postman, for a 50/80 guest wedding she had a list of about 50 for herself! She was telling everyone it is a big wedding before she even knew where we wanted to get married (we explored all options, 10ppl etc).

Enough of my moans, all i'm trying to say is your not alone, family, espcially mothers, are a nightmare when it comes to weddings. We have excepted money from both of our families to contribute to the wedding although when we've had the "if we are paying we want XYZ" or "if you don't want to pay for them we'll pay" we've said its not about the money, we're spending what we think we can afford to spend, we are grateful for the contribution but we'll spend the money on things we would like for the wedding. You can't please everyone for sure, my OH and I have both been in the "we want to elople moods" a few times but have stuck by each other, sorted out our own parents with some harsh home truths and stuck by eachother and gone ahead with planning the day we both want.

If I was in the same situation and my OH backed down to his mum I don't know what I would do, I truely can understand how furstrated you are. MIL has previously given us an unwanted gift of a cat!!! Even although I explained we didn't want one, work all day and can't afford it. When we were having our house rewired, out of principle I asked her to look after it at her house (we went on holiday and our floor boards were ripped up), she lost it, but told us it was with her and fine all week!!! The poor thing had run away and come back home, the electrician was feeding it!

Off topic I know, but just trying to say, these things I couldn't have dealt with blowing a fuse on my own, if my OH had backed her up I don't think I could have coped. Especially with the lying, I just think if I was to ever have kids I couldn't trust her not to lie. Not to be horrible to us but to say "johnny ate all their lunch and had a bit of fruit" when really it would be 5 chocolate biscuits and no lunch. If my OH couldn't see how this would upset me I don't know if I could live with it.

In my original message I had said if it was just the wedding you want to call off then I understand the stress but remember why you are getting married, but if its the marriage then take a long hard think. Reading more of your posts I wonder if its both? Family nightmares over weddings are normal, you can't please everyone, but if its more than that then I have no advice other than to not go into a marriage unless you are happy to be with that person forever.

elvis86

floss2 wrote: »

Not everybody is as forthright as you seem to be, and not everybody can have a calm frank conversation about something that is obviously very close to the OP's heart.

Telling her to "assert herself" is all very well, but it doesn't really help the situation that she has found her self in, and it doesn't really add anything to the advice she's already been given, except perhaps get her even more stressed and upset because she can't do as you want her to. Some people do not have the inner resource to do this, not everyone is the same (and indeed if we were the world would be a boring place).

This isn't like I'm advising her to assert herself in the workplace about a delicate issue though; she has an issue with the man she is about to marry. If she can't tell him that she's upset by his behaviour without writing a letter, then I'm afraid there's something wrong.

When he's not quite hitting her spot in bed, does she lay there, reach for her phone and send him a text..?:D

Mojisola

sweetilemon wrote: »

In my original message I had said if it was just the wedding you want to call off then I understand the stress but remember why you are getting married, but if its the marriage then take a long hard think. Reading more of your posts I wonder if its both? Family nightmares over weddings are normal, you can't please everyone, but if its more than that then I have no advice other than to not go into a marriage unless you are happy to be with that person forever.

Well said!

neneromanova

How did it go last night minnie?

74jax

neneromanova wrote: »

How did it go last night minnie?

I too have been thinking of you Minnie.

I hope your OH realised that things aren't going to be ok unless he supports you.

I can't believe he would have left it 'til the weekend to discuss it though (can understand you needed to get your thoughts together), my OH would have been on at me constantly to try and sort it (I hope).

I hope it went how you wanted it too.

sweetilemon

Thinking of you, hope you got on ok - let us know

MentalMinnie

So I thought i'd post an update...We talked about it all on Friday morning of all times. He was really upset that we weren't speaking. I told him the issues I had with his mum etc. He said he didnt realise how upset etc I was about it. He's agreed to back me up more with things, and will speak to her about inviting HER friends to the wedding. It's helped a lot. Thanks for all the advice. xx