I Don't feel like I Can go ahead...

MentalMinnie

My heads all over the place at the moment. MY OH thinks i'm being unreasonable. My MIL is paying for the wedding reception. We'd always said we'd have a small wedding, however his parents said they'd pay, so we invited a few more friends etc. Now she's decided to invite 8 of her friends. Even though we'd said no more people, we are nearly at capacity. She ignored this. When we were organising the suits, she asked whether my FIL should be wearing the same as the groom etc. I said no, it should be my dad only(he's not attending, long story) she was told at least twice. However, during a call last week she told they had decided to get him a matching suit anyway. I feel like she's trying to take over what would have been my dads role. She's outwardly called our ideas tacky (the chocolate fountain and sweetie table) thinks bringing our dog to have in our photographs ridiculous. I could go on, but those are the main sticking points. Last night she asked if there was room for another 2 of her friends to come. I'm at my wits end. I'm terrified about being in front of so many people. I get really bad 'stage fright'. It all came to ahead last night with my fiance, a huge argument ensuded and i told my fiance that i didn't want to get married anymore. I really don't know how i feel anymore. Am I making a mountain out of mole hill??

sugarwalsh

Oh, I feel for you. Over bearing people are hard to deal with at the best of times.
Firstly, I would say don't say you don't want to get married unless you really mean it. To me this is a very serious thing - if your MIL can put you off then you should be considereing how you really do feel. If you just said it in the heat of the moment then be careful - what would happen if he believed you or agreed?
Secondly, no you are not making a mountain out of a molehill, but it is up to you how you decide to react to her. Do you have all the guests you want coming to your wedding? Yes, it is frustrating that she wants all these extra people, but as long as you have the guests you want then that is all that really matters. I wouldn't let the fact that she wants a few extra people there ruin your day.

With regards to the suit - it is wrong of her to over rule you, but are you mad because your Dad wont be there to wear it? Does it actually matter if he is wearing the same suit? I know it is a 'principle' thing, but sometimes you have to choose your battles.

If she thinks your ideas are tacky then that is her problem, not yours. It is your day, not hers. Allow her the extra guests, allow the suit situation, but make sure you do the things you want. It is tacky and tactless of her to say so. Perhaps your OH should have a quiet word and ask her to keep her opinions to herself?

Lastly, can you learn some techniques to get you over your stage fright? Maybe learn some breathing techniques or some visulisation? Try focussing on how you want to feel that day etc. (Spot the woman who listened to Paul Mckenna this morning!).

Essentially, what I am trying to say is relax and try and think about the things which are important to you and your OH. If you don't focus or think about what she is doing then she can't ruin your day. You WILL have the best day of your life.

MEgan

MentalMinnie

I'm actually sat here crying, I know you're right, but i just feel overwhelmed by it all. She's not happy with our menu choice, wine choice, reception drinks...and i'm being made to feel like I should change these things to make her happy, as she's paying for it....the suit thing is hard to explain regarding my dad, but i'd tld my OH that I didn't want his dad in the same suit and gave my reasons. He agreed with me. But as soon as his mum mentioned it, he rolled over.

Artmac21

I totally agree with Megan's post. It sounds as if you have had your fill of the MIL. Remember it your OH you are marrying and thankfully not his mother. Organizing a wedding is incredibly stressful. People react to stress in different ways. Take some time out just now. Spend time with someone who has no involvement with the wedding. Think about what is important to you about your big day. Speak to your OH about why these things are important so that he can have a word with his mum. What you are going through is quite normal. It is horrible trying to deal with everyones expectations whilst trying to make sure you have a great day too. Don't panic. take some time out and regain perspective. Don't be pushed into doing something you aren't happy with. Above all remember it's ok to feel the way you are.

74jax

Wow megan, just what I was going to say.

I would maybe seriously look at your feelings towards calling the wedding off, I think saying it in the heat of the moment can easily be disregarded as such, but do you really want to. Saying what you did is huge, if you do want get married then your OH needs understand your concerns and frustrations.

Crowdpleaser

Oh hunny, it seems like you and OH are not singing from the same hymn sheet! I would be mad too. I dont have much advice other than to ask her over and sit her down and explain the reasons why certain things you want in a certain way. Explain that it is your wedding, not hers and whilst you appreciate the money she is spending out, you would have been happy to pay for it yourself to have what you wanted. Harsh but sometimes people have to be told.

We have an odd relationship with oh mum and siblings. We marry in August and she wont book her hotel in case it all falls through and she loses her money (the travelidge is on offer at mo for £15 a night!) and was insistent that the three of them travel in the car with oh to the ceremony. Until oh told her we are not having cars then she got in a huff coz she will have to pay a taxi out.

Sorry off topic but weddings often bring out the very worst in people! xxx

sugarwalsh

Don't cry - think about how beautiful yo will look standing there saying your vows to the man you love.
The others are right - it is just a stressful time and perfectly normal to feel like this. How long have you got before the wedding?
Megan

74jax

One thought, is it possible for you and OH could maybe pay for the reception so you don't feel as though she can do what she wants?

I really feel for you, is your OH normally on your side then backs down to his mum?

How long till the wedding?

Artmac21

Oh sweetheart, it must feel awful for you. Big Hug and you cry your heart out. Don't let someone else's opinion affect how you feel about yourself. Your choices are fine. Not everyone likes the same things and a mature adult understands that. Your MIL is obviously feeling she has some control over the wedding cause she is paying for somethings. If it is a true gift then she souldnt be acting like this. That is her problem not yours. You sound as if you have some wobbles because it is highlighting a difference between you and OH. Most MIL are a nightmare - my own mum said that she only started to like SIL when she had kids. I guess it's a mum thing. However, OH loves you and wants to be with you for rest of life not his mum. This is maybe her last chance to influence him. It is all very difficult with the dynamics of family. Remember family's aren't perfect and easy. Conflict is part of a healthy family - we wont always get on. But maybe hopefully they will always be there when you need them most. Simple advice - ignore MIL. She isnt getting married you are. Her tastes are her own and not yours. A good wedding will be enjoyed by all when the bride and groom love each other dearly. It's not the food and drink people remember it's the look in your eyes as you say I do. Maybe tell MIL that. XXX

Cleverclogs

Oh you poor thing. I feel for you (my MIL has behaved terribly since we booked our wedding!) and I don't think you are alone in the stress building so badly that you say 'I wish we'd eloped!' so I don't think you're making a mountain out of molehill.

Planning a wedding is extremely stressful and it's worse when there is added pressure from demanding family members/guests. I had a bad week a couple of weeks ago when I cried, threw things, stamped my feet, and threatened to stop planning altogether. It was a reaction to the accumulation of stress from other people demanding things, and worry, that whatever I did wasn't going to be good enough, and everyone would have a horrible time. And it would be my fault. However, after my tantrum, I sat down with my OH, I shared my feelings, we talked it through and he quite rightly pointed out that as long as we end up husband & wife - s*d the rest of them! Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there'll be more moments where I want to bury myself in a hole until our wedding day and just let someone else deal with it, but it WILL be worth it in the end.

In the meantime, you will have to make compromises with your MIL because they are contributing financially. It's irritating but I'm with sugarwalsh, the trick is to pick your battles. Let her have her way on certain things if it means you get an easier life. And hold her to account for the things that really matter to you. Otherwise, you'll be a wreck by the time your day arrives. It's tough but ignore her opinion - get a chocolate fountain if you want one - it's YOUR day - and ignore what she thinks. And if it makes you feel better my MIL hates our venue, my dress, my tiara, my colour scheme, my table decorations...you name it, she hates it!

MentalMinnie

We get married on 23rd June, 4 months tomorrow.