I Don't feel like I Can go ahead...

MentalMinnie

Thanks for all the support, you really are all lovely! It helps that people don't think i'm being totally irrational etc. It's not helping that i'm SO tired at the moment, stressing and breaking out in spots...which NEVER happens to me. I think I have more spots on my face at the moment than I've had in my entire life!!!

Anselm

The red flag was when you said he backed down to his mother. Perhaps you should try and do marriage counselling (or some variation) to figure out how you'd both react in an argument etc, might help in the long run. good luck!

sugarwalsh

Please don't make any rash decisions at the moment. To me an overbearing MIL is scant reason to walk away from a relationship. What I'm tryng to say is that seems a poor excuse to leave a man you love and want to marry. There are ways of dealing with people like her and leaving your beloved is not one of them. On the other hand if there are other issues with your relationship and you are worried about it then talk it over and decide what you want from there.

What's the point in worrying about what she 'might' be like 'if' you have kids? When you have kids you and your OH will change and become stronger people. You will find it hard work and will appreciate the help and knowledge of your families opinions. Yes, you may have disagreements, but she can't be all bad, she did raise a man who you want to marry after all. Sometimes it pays to listen and sometimes it is good to listen to your own intuition.

Why are you so tired? Arranging a wedding should be a little stressful but actually a lot of fun too. You should be filled with excitement when thinking about your wedding. So, what are the reasons you aren't? Is it because you have taken on too much? Is it because you are genuinely worried about marrying the right man or is it other reasons? Are there ways in which others can relieve the stress? Put your worries on here if you want and we can help allieviate some of them.

Chin up sweetie, all will seem better once you have talked it out and slept on it.

Megan

Mojisola

sugarwalsh wrote: »

Please don't make any rash decisions at the moment. To me an overbearing MIL is scant reason to walk away from a relationship.

But to have a partner who takes his mother's side rather than his wife-to-be's may be.

Minnie's OH needs to have it made crystal clear that his attitude is risking their future together.

sugarwalsh

We can't judge from one conversation. And really, if everything else is perfect (I don't know if it is) would you walk away because of the MIL? I don't have a lot of time for mine, but I wouldn't walk away because of her.
Megan

74jax

Mojisola wrote: »

But to have a partner who takes his mother's side rather than his wife-to-be's may be.

Minnie's OH needs to have it made crystal clear that his attitude is risking their future together.

I think being told she no longer wants to get married is clear enough.

I'd expect he will want to sit down and work it out after being told that.

cte1111

Men and their mothers... not an easy one.

My OH was used to pretty much doing what his Mum said and it was hard work changing that. But we did change it between us because our relationship was worth it. It's hard to change the habit of a lifetime, but it is possible.

It depends on your feelings for your OH and his for you. You need to make it clear to him what the issue is, e.g. it's not necessarily the suit issue, but the fact that he automatically agrees with his Mum over you.

My Mum tells me a story where my Granny (her MIL) came to stay not long after they were married. Mum came home from work and found that Granny had moved all the furniture round. She was not impressed, it got moved back much to my Granny's bemusement. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that this is a pretty standard problem / power struggle and has been going on for generations.

Mojisola

MentalMinnie wrote: »

He agrees with me on stuff then backs down to him mum. Everytime.

MentalMinnie wrote: »

I just feel like i'm fighting an uphill battle. And the thing that worries me is that she'll be like this permanantly. What's she going to be like when we have children? Do I really want to have a 3rd person in my marriage?

MentalMinnie wrote: »

He just won't tell her to back off. Eventually it'll all get too much and i'll blow up at her. Then I'll be the bad guy for upsetting her. She recently went on and on about my dad, prying into our relationship etc. My OH could see I was uncomfortable about it, but said/did nothing.

This obviously isn't a one-off.

Has he taken you seriously about calling off the wedding or is he just putting it down to last minute nerves and you'll come round?

elvis86

As others have said, whilst I'm not suggesting you cancel the wedding and bin your OH off; you need to address the underlying issues now (by the sounds of it, mainly of you feeling that your OH fails to back you up when you and his mother disagree).

You're about to marry the guy !!!!!!, it shouldn't be beyond the 2 of you to have a frank and honest discussion about this. As you've said, if you're made to feel like this now, it will only get worse in the future.

FWIW, I would never accept financial help from either my parents or OH's parents unless everyone involved was 100% clear on the terms. Sounds like you're learning the hard way.:(

bouncydog1

Sounds to me as though your OH is like his dad - anything for a quiet life! If there are no other siblings then this is the only chance that she will have to plan a wedding and she has got caught up in the excitement of it all.

You must remember that she is of the older generation (even if she is in her 50's and most of us in that group think of it as the new 40) and may well be old fashioned in her views.

That though, does not give her the right to take control and you are only going to get any self respect if you toughen up a bit.

I would politely point out that you appreciate their generosity in helping you with the wedding costs, but it is your and her son's wedding and this is how you both want it.

I don't think I would think about dumping your partner though - he's probably as fed up with it all as you are but doesn't want to upset his mum!