I Don't feel like I Can go ahead...

MentalMinnie

74jax wrote: »

But you are having one aren't you? Does he control All money?

We are now, after much pleading and promising that we had already budgeted for it. No, he doesn't control the money. We keep separate accounts etc. It's not all about the material objects, which i know that how what i'm saying is coming across, but it's about him not backing me up, or even having his own views/opinions.

dopey1986

Hey, sounds like she is proper interferring.

I have had problems with my mother in Law (we are getting married in 17 weeks) It is the opposite for us though - she is not interested at all nor paying a penny.

It sounds like you need to sit down with her and tell her exactly how you are feeling - possibly without your Fiancee there to get involved and take sides.

Could you guys afford to pay for the reception yourselves?

Perhaps if so, then you could choose your own guests...

Weddings can be quite stressful and your MIL needs to remember this is YOUR day NOT hers!!

hope you get things sorted

xx

indiepanda

Oh dear, I really feel for you. I'll be paying for my wedding myself - my family really couldn't afford to chip in and to be honest the thought I can just say "my wedding paid for with my money" and ignore any unreasonable requests is very appealing even though some financial help would have been nice.

My sister went through a similar sort of thing as you are experiencing with her MIL. The reception was to be paid for out of money that my BIL was left in his grandad's will. For some reason the MIL had not handed the money over to my BIL, and had proceeded to spend some of it on things for her and nothing to do with the wedding.

Despite this, she still insisted on inviting lots of her relatives to the wedding, including ones my BIL hardly knew and ones she herself didn't even like, because it was "the right thing to do" - and my sister and her OH had to pick up the tab for these extra guests because she took them over their budget.

I remember my sister saying if she had known what interference they were going to get (I don't think this was the only issue) they'd have just gone to the registry office with a couple of friends as witnesses instead.

However, despite the fact they had a slightly difficult relationship in the early years of the marriage, the MIL seems to have mellowed considerably and she and my sister seem to get on pretty well these days. And my sister and her husband are a lovely couple, very happy together & celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary last year. This Christmas her MIL even offered to make my wedding dress - I won't take her up on it but it was nice of her to offer.

Maybe sometimes weddings bring out the worst in people? I think mum are sometimes very possessive of their sons and the fear of losing them to another woman in the form of a wife can bring out some very bad behavior.

Obviously you have a lot to think about, but I thought it was worth sharing my sister's story just to show a MIL from hell during the wedding doesn't automatically mean a bad marriage.

elvis86

MentalMinnie wrote: »

Thank you everyone! I do love him, that's never been the issue. I think the reason why we're getting married has been lost beneath all the material stuff. I think she's using the wedding to show off that her son is getting married, therefore pushing for all the guests and her friends.

Her overbaring attitud has been getting worse over the last few months, as the wedding gets closer.

Whats really irked me though is that he told me that as she was paying she could invite whomever she wants, yet there are 2 people that I used work with that i'm not allowed to invite. He won't let me.

Ultimately, I wil go through with the wedding, we can't afford to lose out money wise, and a lot of people have booked flights and hotels, but i'll feel that my special day has lost its sparkle.

He won't let you? Your OH has forbidden you from inviting 2 of your friends to your wedding, but has told you that his mum can invite whoever she wants?!

Tbh, you say you love him, but it doesn't sound like he even respects you? There's absolutely no way I would tolerate his attitude at the moment, I'm not even sure I could be in a relationship with a man who treated me like that.

You're supposed to be his partner! You should be able to discuss and agree on things together, and whilst you may have different opinions on things and feel particularly strongly about some of them, nobody should feel that the other person has "forbidden them" from doing something. Certainly not in favour of allowing their mother to get her own way!

As for going through with a wedding because you'll lose your deposit if you don't - well, I think you know that's ridiculous.:(

Mojisola

indiepanda wrote: »

However, despite the fact they had a slightly difficult relationship in the early years of the marriage, the MIL seems to have mellowed considerably and she and my sister seem to get on pretty well these days.

In Minnie's case, the heart of the problem isn't the MIL-to-be, it's her OH's attitude.

If my OH didn't stand up for me - as I do for him - we wouldn't be together!

missminx

Mojisola wrote: »

But to have a partner who takes his mother's side rather than his wife-to-be's may be.

Minnie's OH needs to have it made crystal clear that his attitude is risking their future together.

I would fully agree with this. Women think very differently to men. If you were to ask him why he thought you were having doubts / said you didn't want to go through with it, he would probably say instantly because you don't want my Dad to wear the matching suit.
(I know this is generalising, before anyone says it, but tend to find it accurate!) Men are more likely to focus on a single concept / event.
Whereas all these things have been building up over time for you, each one has more than likely been and gone for him.

I would suggest writing him a letter, explaining why you feel hurt. What you want, and what you would like him to do. You need to do it when you're calm, and not apportioning blame left, right and centre. Just say something along the lines of... I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The 2 of us. I wanted our wedding to be personal to us, and x,y and z really matter to me. I would like for you to help me get this across to your mother, as I don't want to upset her, but I don't want to resent her afterwards because I said nothing so she didn't realise how strongly I felt...

Just some ideas. Explain that you don't want to fall out with her, and that sometimes he needs to speak up for you ie when she is prying.

HTH Good luck :A

74jax

How did it go last night OP?

I'm presuming you discussed if the wedding is going ahead? I hope he realised how close he has come to this falling through and you can move on together.

He might have needed this as a 'shake up' to see what is actually going on.

beverleyhills

MentalMinnie wrote: »

I just feel like i'm fighting an uphill battle. And the thing that worries me is that she'll be like this permanantly. What's she going to be like when we have children? Do I really want to have a 3rd person in my marriage?

This is your gut feeling. Go with it.

bubbles0169

im another who'd like to highlight the 'he wont let me' line
this isnt reasonable at all, i dont understand how its ok to tell each other what to do and not what to do?
you should be working together, walking the same path, yes people have different views but why wont he 'let' you invite those friends? does he not get on with them? if so thats fair enough but if not its quite an overbearing thing to do

elvis86

missminx wrote: »

I would suggest writing him a letter, explaining why you feel hurt. What you want, and what you would like him to do. You need to do it when you're calm, and not apportioning blame left, right and centre. Just say something along the lines of... I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The 2 of us. I wanted our wedding to be personal to us, and x,y and z really matter to me. I would like for you to help me get this across to your mother, as I don't want to upset her, but I don't want to resent her afterwards because I said nothing so she didn't realise how strongly I felt...

Just some ideas. Explain that you don't want to fall out with her, and that sometimes he needs to speak up for you ie when she is prying.

HTH Good luck :A

If I'm upset or unhappy about something and I want to raise it with the person with whom I'm in a committed relationship, I don't have to write a letter. I just speak to him?

I appreciate that you're trying to be helpful, but to be honest, if the OP cannot raise this kind of thing with her OH face-to-face and be sure that he will give due consideration to her concerns; perhaps she should think about whether she should be in a relationship with him?

Going forwards in their married life together, is she to spend months agonising over every issue that she and her OH ecounter, before putting pen to paper and crossing her fingers that he takes the time to read and address her concerns?

I think what's needed here is a frank discussion with the OH. The OP needs to assert herself more and not let this kind of thing build up. It's her wedding. Nobody can or should force her to do anything that she doesn't want to, least of all the man she's about to commit the rest of her life to, for the sake of appeasing his mother!