I Don't feel like I Can go ahead...

MentalMinnie

74jax wrote: »

One thought, is it possible for you and OH could maybe pay for the reception so you don't feel as though she can do what she wants?

I really feel for you, is your OH normally on your side then backs down to his mum?

How long till the wedding?

The wedding is only 4 months away, so getting the money together before then will be impossible. He agrees with me on stuff then backs down to him mum. Everytime. He knew how important the suit thing was to me...yet didn't say anything when she told us FIL would be wearing it.

Artmac21

Practical advice - everytime she offers her opinion say exactly the same thing back, "thanks for your opinion, I will consider it", then change subject, every time. She'll soon get message. It's a way to ignore her obviously. You have spoken to her and told her what you want and why. She disregards that. You then disregard her opinions. Trying to explain why you dont want something makes it actually harder as you start compromising and she doesnt. So say exact same thing to her every time.

Talk to OH. Dont allow a wedding to ruin a relationship. But equally, there sounds as if you might be feeling unsupported by him at moment and that wont feel nice. Maybe there is a connection with your dad? Sometimes we see behaviour of a parent in the behaviour of a partner, sometimes we make a connection about that which is wrong just because it happened in the past doesnt mean it will happen in the present. So take step back and think about how you are viewing OH. Are you thinking you know what he wants without him actually telling you this, and are you correct in your assumptions. Enough pyschobabble.

Moneybot

MentalMinnie wrote: »

I'm actually sat here crying, I know you're right, but i just feel overwhelmed by it all. She's not happy with our menu choice, wine choice, reception drinks...and i'm being made to feel like I should change these things to make her happy, as she's paying for it....the suit thing is hard to explain regarding my dad, but i'd tld my OH that I didn't want his dad in the same suit and gave my reasons. He agreed with me. But as soon as his mum mentioned it, he rolled over.

<<hugs>> *passes hanky and chocolate*

Weddings are funny things; a bit like Christmas. They are over hyped in the media and have been made out to be the "special day". This isn't coming over quite like I mean it but what I am trying to say the important thing is being married and prepared to spend the rest of your life with your partner. If you want a a celebration to mark this event good if you can your day but if it is only going to cause stress and you don't get the day you want I'd say sod it to MIL money and nip off to the local registry office with a couple of witnesses.

If you do go for just a tip keep the dog away from the chocolate fountain can be a very bad combination. Dog vomit does not make any day special.

Mojisola

MentalMinnie wrote: »

The wedding is only 4 months away, so getting the money together before then will be impossible. He agrees with me on stuff then backs down to him mum. Everytime. He knew how important the suit thing was to me...yet didn't say anything when she told us FIL would be wearing it.

Forget the stuff around the wedding - this is what would have me wondering whether marrying him would be a good idea.

Do you want to have your MIL dictate a lot of the rest of your life? Until your OH shows he can put you first and stand up to his mother, be very wary.

Mrs_Money

This is the problem when people pay for things - they believe it then gives them the right to dictate exactly how those things are done which is selfish and controlling, but there it is!
How far off is the wedding? If you are sure you want to marry your fiance, then is it possible to call off the reception, hand the money back and start again with something smaller, affordable and EXACTLY what you want?
Take back control if you possibly can (with the help of your fiance) - at all costs! In my experience this "handing out of cash" from such relatives continues to come with strings attached and may carry on into your future (children, homes etc.) if you don't make a stand now.

RainbowDrops

MentalMinnie wrote: »

He knew how important the suit thing was to me...yet didn't say anything when she told us FIL would be wearing it.

Have you considered that maybe your OH wants his dad to be more included in the wedding.

Sometimes men will just go along with the brides wishes, as they think it's "her" day, but actually it's both of your days, so you should have a proper discussion about what you both want.
Your OH may feel that his parents have some rights in some of the decision owing to their contribution, which is fair enough.

Unfortunately with the budget in someone elses hands, it's easy to think they have the "power of veto".
You have to nip things in the bud as soon as plans go off-route (obviously at this late stage it's hard to do so, but when me & OH spoke to our parents about their contribution, we layed down a few things that we weren't going to budge on in terms of guests etc, but we were also flexible with their requests).[/

floss2

I think the best thing you can do is to write down the things that are upsetting you or causing you a problem.

Then sit your OH down and hand him your list then go & make a cup of tea while he reads it.

Then sit down together, with a brew, and talk about the issues calmly and honestly.

You both need to agree a united front to manage his mum, and that may mean compromises over her guests, but bear in mind that "who pays the piper calls the tune" and if she is paying, then she will want some say in what happens / who attends.

Accept that her feelings on certain things are not the same as yours, but keep saying calmly to her "Please remember that it is OUR day. We have already squished in several guests over & above the venue's capacity for you, and this is what we would like to have as part of our wedding day".

BTW, was she able to plan her own wedding, or was it done by her own mum / MiL2B?

MentalMinnie

She planned her own wedding.

FutureCooper

sugarwalsh wrote: »

If she thinks your ideas are tacky then that is her problem, not yours. It is your day, not hers. Allow her the extra guests, allow the suit situation, but make sure you do the things you want. It is tacky and tactless of her to say so. Perhaps your OH should have a quiet word and ask her to keep her opinions to herself?


Essentially, what I am trying to say is relax and try and think about the things which are important to you and your OH. If you don't focus or think about what she is doing then she can't ruin your day. You WILL have the best day of your life.

MEgan

Megan has said it all :j . . . . MM think of your MIL 's comments like this - would you walk into her home and say her furnishings are tacky, or that her wallpaper isn't to your taste. NO you wouldn't so why allow her to trash your ideas. It is yours and her sons day. Perhaps you will have to explain your fear of lots of people on the day. When its is all your close friends and family it is less daunting but infront of her friends is asking alot of you. Perhaps you could suggest she has her 'own' wedding party the day after for her friends!! This is your day after all.

Go home tonight have a good heart to heart and a cuddle with your OH and really sit down with and list a things that are truly important for you 2 on your day, then compromise on the others to keep his mum quiet.

Good luck honey and stay strong xx

MentalMinnie

I just feel like i'm fighting an uphill battle. And the thing that worries me is that she'll be like this permanantly. What's she going to be like when we have children? Do I really want to have a 3rd person in my marriage?