Teenagers - try & steer them or just let them go?

74jax

olibrofiz wrote: »

She rings me. She's on the wrong bus, she's gone back to town. Ok, says I, get the right bus next time it goes. She then announces she has no money - she's paid for her bf on the bus into town, given him money to get home, bought them both a McD, and now there's none left. So, feeling a sense of responsibility as i know the people where she's working, I leave work to get her. I can't bring myself to speak to her on the journey, but she announces it's not her fault she got on the wrong bus, or that she has no money for further bus fares. :mad:

I've only read some of this thread, but wanted to say my DD did something very similar a week ago today.

She goes over to her dads every other weekend on a Friday and was due to go last week. However she just HAD to go to the Metrocentre to help her friend buy something (?!) so I said as long as she was back for 5pm for me to take her to her Dad's that would be fine.

4.40pm............ Call from DD, she's spent all her money and can't get home. I replied with 'oh no what you going to do, you'll have to stay there all night'. I said there was no way she would be home for 5pm for me to take her over and so she would miss the weekend at her dad's and she should let him know.

Harsh maybe, but there's no way I would have driven to collect her and her friend, taken her friend home, then done a 3hour round trip to her Dad's. Her dad totally understood and laid it in thick she had missed a family party (which she was gutted about).

I would not have done what you did and gone and collected her. She chose to give away her money, how did she think she would travel with no money? Just as how did my daughter think she'd get home?

She finally came in at around 7pm, so which i said I was pleased she got home.

My DD is 14 so there's no way at 17 I would have done what you did.

olibrofiz

Not harsh comments at all, welcome each one as I'm floundering at the moment if you hadn't noticed!

I'm sorry to be complaining about a situation I have helped to create - I thought I was just having a wail and asking for nuggets of advise so that I can decide on what to do. This is the first time I've been a parent, and there's no guidebook, so yes, I've got some things wrong.

I collected DD from town on this occasion as I have a strong sense of responsibility and didn't want to let down the w/ex people as I will continue to see them after the w/ex is finished. My work is fine about people popping out, we do flexi so just need to make the 30 mins up.

Since I last posted I've told DD if it happens again I REALLY will not be coming to her rescue, & I won't. I've also suggested that she goes to an EA with her bf and they find out exactly what's needed to rent a flat/house instead of making my life hell because she can't move out immediately. (Best not tell her at this point about the ££££ her grandad left her methinks)

The 'wage' will be stopped at the end of the w/ex when I ask how much she's managed to save for the flat, which was my main reason for the 'wage', and find she's spent it all (& no, she doesn't get the CB as well as the 'wage'). I will be going back on my word (& she will strop), but will point out she's gone back on hers.

She may sound like a brat, and in some instances she is, but she also has many good points - they just seem to have disappeared for the moment with the flush of first love.

On another note, my mum has seen how upset I have been with all this over the last couple of months, and wants just the two of us to go for a meal on mothers day. Too harsh?

balletshoes

olibrofiz wrote: »

On another note, my mum has seen how upset I have been with all this over the last couple of months, and wants just the two of us to go for a meal on mothers day. Too harsh?

harsh on who? do you mean you'd usually involve your daughter in mothers day outings etc? I'd just say now, to your daughter, does she have any plans for mothers day for you 2 (you know, is she going to treat her mum) because if not your mum would like to spend the day with you.

your daughter isn't a mum, so if she's not arranging something for you and her on mothers day, why would she be upset if you go do something with your mum? I wouldn't be, in her shoes.

Bennifred

Unless your daughter is paying - not harsh at all! It's Mother's Day, not Daughter's Day.

meritaten

oli - what could be more appropriate on mothers day than two mums (mum and daughter who is also a mum) sharing a meal? your DD isnt a mum so she isnt invited!
I too think that you shouldnt have picked your DD up - the situation was of her own making and unless you want to spend the rest of your life running to her rescue (because she is behaving like a child), then its past time you let her sort out her own messes! You really arent doing her any favours hun - In fact you are HINDERING her growing up process. I really do understand that any caring parent wants to help thier child - but - bitter experience has taught me that they need to learn how to cope by THEMSELVES.

FatVonD

I think I've understood that differently to everyone else, I read it that nan was suggesting the OP and daughter go out without her to try to smooth things over?

19lottie82

I'm pretty sure she meant the OP an her mother ie the daughter isn't invited

GemBlueTopaz1984

Jesus OP,

I thought you were my mother for a second reading your opening post, my sister has just done exactly that, she left college a couple of weeks after xmas (everyone tried to talk her into staying but she was having none of it) and she did actually manage to secure an apprenticeship at the nursery my other sister works at. Last week she announced that a friends mother who has a nursery 80 miles away has offered her an apprenticeship for £800 per month and a house share for £200 an month rent and even though she knows no one in that town and has never paid a bill or lived anywhere but home, she is considering taking it although it does depend on what her boyfriend wants to do when he gets out of prison :wall: . My mum has just smiled sweetly at her and said "whatever you want dear", I think she has accepted half of what my sister does is her just rebelling, and we know full well she wouldn't last a month if she went, and there is no point in trying to get her to see reason as all she hears is all her 17 y/o mates going "aw yeah thats brill, I would totally do it if I had the chance you should go and I can come visit awesome" :wall::wall:.

gem

olibrofiz

GemBlueTopaz1984 wrote: »

Jesus OP,

I thought you were my mother for a second reading your opening post, my sister has just done exactly that, she left college a couple of weeks after xmas (everyone tried to talk her into staying but she was having none of it) and she did actually manage to secure an apprenticeship at the nursery my other sister works at. Last week she announced that a friends mother who has a nursery 80 miles away has offered her an apprenticeship for £800 per month and a house share for £200 an month rent and even though she knows no one in that town and has never paid a bill or lived anywhere but home, she is considering taking it although it does depend on what her boyfriend wants to do when he gets out of prison :wall: . My mum has just smiled sweetly at her and said "whatever you want dear", I think she has accepted half of what my sister does is her just rebelling, and we know full well she wouldn't last a month if she went, and there is no point in trying to get her to see reason as all she hears is all her 17 y/o mates going "aw yeah thats brill, I would totally do it if I had the chance you should go and I can come visit awesome" :wall::wall:.

gem

lol.

Things gone ok so far this week. DD got the bus to w/e every morning without mishap, and PTL!!! actually seems to be realising money doesn't grow on trees - is fed up catching two buses (childcare apprenticeships two/three bus rides away not looking so attractive now )

The latest announcement was that she doesn't really want to move out & get a flat with her bf, they just want to be too-geva - can he move in with us instead? - I think I just said 'oh' and wandered off into the kitchen.

After meeting up with a friend today for a chat I actually feel slightly better, her DD is the same in many ways :cool:

nearlyrich

Meanwhile my niece seems to have woken up and smelled the coffee, she has dumped the no hoper BF and has decided getting good A levels is a great idea.... let's hope they all continue to improve....