Teenagers - try & steer them or just let them go?

lolseh

As a 19 year old who has missed out on nearly old my teenage years due to being bedbound etc with ill health it anoys me when other teens don't realise how good they have it. At 17 I'd have done anything atall to be well enough to go to college like your daughter. I wouldn't have cared what the course was I'd just be happy I had healthy! Instead I was in bed hardly able to walk, eat, having my mum as my carer and having to wash me etc. Maybe if she realised how lucky she is not to be in that situation she will think about it again and stick it out.

Decluttering

You say your daughter is very headstrong and from what she's said, she clearly knows what she wants in the short term. It's easy to laugh at her ideas (in my opinion they're likely to come to nothing) but from balletshoes post earlier in this thread there are times when these seemingly crazy decisions result in a positive situation.

I think it would be more positive (and less stressful for you both) if you tried to help her with her plans. Maybe offer to look up some information about apprenticeships or even show her the SOA calculator to work out how much she might need to earn. If you show your support and treat her like the mature young adult she thinks she is then she may also feel more welcome if she ever needs to come back home, instead of feeling resentment to the people who could turn around and say "I told you so".

Just my thoughts, it certainly sounds like you'll get some peace and quiet if these plans come to fruitation.

ruby-roo_2

olibrofiz wrote: »

Anything else I can advise her of? Or do I just let her go out into the big wide world?

It is such a tricky age isn't it OP. At 17 your daughter is not a kid any more, yet not quite an adult able to comprehend the true realities of the cost of leaving home.

My sister was similar to your dd. Naively thought she could live like a princess on a paupers income. So my parents decided to treat her like an adult and show her warts and all the real cost of going it alone and being completely self sufficient.

Dad ran off a spreadsheet of how much it costs to run a home; including utilities, council tax, insurance, phones, broadband, TV license etc.

Then he got hold of the local paper and showed her what the letting agents were asking for in terms of rent.

He asked how she planned to get to work without him or my mum running her everywhere. Showed her what cars cost to buy and run taking into account petrol, oil, tax, insurance, mots, services etc.

It soon became apparent to my sister that she was very well off where she was, with the added bonuses of getting her washing done, some of her ironing and all her meals cooked for her.

Few of us realise how cushy we have it at home until we take those first steps to going it alone.

claire16c

olibrofiz wrote: »

Sambucus Nigra - hahaha, like your way of thinking.

saterkey - she's 17. Been through a list of the bills I pay - water, gas, elec, sky, broadboand, mobiles, food etc - today when I raised it again (after she'd said £400pm for flat, I'll need to pay £200) it was 'yeah, yeah, you've already said that'. I mentioned CB etc, and the reply was 'well, you don't give that to me' (er, no, that pays for you putting the CH heating on full blast, leaving all the lights on in the house, having a bath everyday etc, etc)

Bit of a strange situation with the BF tbh, he lives in a room in the house his parents own and the rest of the rooms are let. He lives rent free to keep an eye on things in the house - so she could move in with him and live rent free. But, from a safety issue, that worries me.

Why would you need to pay half of her rent? Or is that just what she wants off you?

And Id love to know who she thinks gives 25% off first time renters! Let alone rents to people under 18 with no proper job or deposit lol!

I would try to encourage her to do the child care course - Im not sure how she plans to work in this field without going to college?!

sooty&sweep

Hi

I've not read the whole thread but has she got an apprenticeship lined up ? If the answer is yes then personally I'd let her do it. There are an awful lot of people out there with good qualifications and they can't get a job so a-levels + degree are no longer any kind of assurance of getting a job anymore. Also if she doesn't want to do the college course then quite frankly she won't put the effort in and probably won't do very well. She is only 17 and there is still time in her life for her to try the apprenticeship and if that doesn't work out go back to college.

Good Luck

Ziggazee

I can understand how frustrating it must be, but if she's intent on taking this path there isn't really a lot you can do to stop her. To try and control her choices is only going to lead to heartache for both of you.

Who knows, she could actually make it work. When I was 17 my mother told me to get out of her house and get myself a flat with my boyfriend......so we did just that. I haven't spoken another word to my mother since, but I've managed perfectly well. I've always worked, trained as a lawyer and now have a very good job with the government. I have my own home and an extremely bright, intelligent amazing "straight A" son who everyone says is an absolute credit to me.

What I'm basically saying is don't fight her too hard on this.....if she's intent on doing it she will and surely it is better for you and her to remain friends rather than create a rift between the two of you. Good luck to both of you

anguk

At 17 my DS announced he wanted to quit 6th form because the job he wanted didn't need A levels or a degree, I will admit we weren't very happy about it but we couldn't force him to go so said he could quit if he found a job in the field he wanted. Of course within 2 weeks he'd found a job so he left 6th form.

18 months later he announced that he was going to take a couple of years out to be a holiday rep abroad! We really weren't happy about this because he'd done so well at his job and was starting to climb up the ladder but my son has always known his own mind and he was legally an adult so there wasn't much we could do about it. True to his word he went abroad for 2 years then he came home and decided on his career choice, he is now in a very good professional job and doing really well. Not having A levels or a degree hasn't hindered him at all because his employers have always been more interested in the experience that he's got.

But one thing I will say about my son that makes his situation a bit different to your daughters is he has always known his own mind, he's ambitious and he's always been a hard worker. He worked part-time even when he was studying and everything he's done has always been carefully thought out. So even though we weren't over the moon about him leaving 6th form we knew he would be okay.

Dunroamin

Have you sat down and worked out with her what a short time there is until she finishes her course; it's only likely to be around 14 weeks, which could be as little 42 days!

What about letting her leave when she has an apprenticeship place to go to?

Has she been to Connexions yet?

jackyann

claire16c wrote: »

Why would you need to pay half of her rent? Or is that just what she wants off you?

And Id love to know who she thinks gives 25% off first time renters! Let alone rents to people under 18 with no proper job or deposit lol!

I would try to encourage her to do the child care course - Im not sure how she plans to work in this field without going to college?!

You can work in childcare whilst being unqualified - most nurseries have some places for workers who are working towards NVQ2. However, they are poorly paid and as taking NVQ is expensive, you need to check if the employer is paying the cost.
Even more relevant is that to have any sort of career, you really need to work towards Level 3 - you can also do that whilst working, but it means you are working & studying, and maybe paying for the assessments! Depends on the employer.
Getting a level 3 NVQ in childcare really begins to open doors for further study & career advancement.

sock-knitter

if she is as head string as you say she is, no amount of talking will change her mind
i have twin 16 year olds, they left school june last year, left home and moved into their own flat in july (housing association, no deposit). hosing benefit and income support pays all there bills
both started college in september, one left after only one day, other left mid dec.
one has just given in his flat to live with his gf
ashamed to say neither of them will go back to college and seem quite content living on benefits.( they get income support and dla)
they know where i am if they need me, but wont help them financially any more