Teenagers - try & steer them or just let them go?

lizzywig

I'm 27 and when I was 19 and at University there was a guy, a guy who was 8 years older and no good for me. I couldn't see it and I messed up University barely scraping through, I look back and have SO many regrets and when I think of him I cringe, he wasn't even worth it, I could have done so much better and I have no idea why I gave up so much for such a...scrote. Chances are that your daughters relationship is the catalyst for her wanting to move out. She's in love and nothing is going to stand in her way. So sadly you have a choice to make. Support her but make her aware of what faces her or put a stop to it. You could just end up pushing her away.

If she wants to be treated like and adult then talk to her like an adult. Explain to her that if she drops out of college she will have nothing and will have a gap on her CV which will make it very hard for any apprenticeship to take her seriously. Explain about the hard times we are living in, the amount of unemployed people and that even the selection criteria for apprenticeships is tough and that if she wants to move out she needs to make herself look as appealing as possible to employers. My sister is 21 and doing an apprenticeship, it's fantastic! She's doing it in admin and just taken an NVQ towards it, she's doing it in London and she can't afford anywhere to live so she's living with her boyfriend and his parents because together they can't afford the bills for a place of their own (he works and is pretty well paid). My sister dropped out of University two months into her third year, we tried to talk her round but she wasn't having any of it, she was miserable on her course so she left and got a full time job in a retail shop. However they cut her hours (due to bad sales and not having enough to pay staff) and so she struggled to pay the bills. My parents used to have to pay for her food because otherwise she would have not ate. She was always looking for a better job or one with more hours or even just another part time job but couldn't find anything. Eventually she signed up on the apprenticeships website, she went for several interviews, initially unsucessful, she was told she didn't have the right look!! However she was sucessful with one place and she's been there about 10 months now and she loves it. I would recommend apprenticeships....if you can get one, but your daughter (as you know) needs to get one first!

Don't try and talk her out of it (well this is what I would do), just sit down and help her to plan, flat hunt etc. Do a budget with her (rent, gas, elec, water, contents insurance, mobile phone, tv licence, council tax, any tv/phone/internet package and food) and then add on the cost of the things your (in your own words) spoilt daughter will also want (going out, clothes, shoes etc). Be positive about it and don't make it sound hard. Reverse phsycology can work well here!! Look around at the going rate for apprenticeships and show her how to budget income and expenditure and what her disposable income will be. Then offer to help her look for a second job. The prospect of all of this work might make her think twice about her assignments at college.

IF by some miracle she does get an apprenticeship and does find somewhere to live as someone else said she will soon see how hard it is. I was spoilt. I lived with my parents until I was 24 and I didn't save a single penny, I didn't pay real rent (just food shopping for everyone and replaced things as and when needed like washing machine, microwave etc), I had so much disposable income and managed to rack up £2k worth of credit card debt. How I have no idea!! When I moved in with my BF (now DH) I was shocked. I remember my Dad saying "wait until you see what it's really like" and me thinking "yeah right". I was too proud to tell him he was right, I still haven't. We spent the first year and a half of living together clearing all of our debts. I was so proud the day I did that. It took moving out to face up to reality. We then saved to get married and buy a house, which we've now done and we now have a little baby. We earn modest salaries and I'm on maternity leave, if is hard. When your daughter realises this she will come running back. If she doesn't then be there for her, make sure she knows the door is always open.

olibrofiz

Sambucus Nigra - hahaha, like your way of thinking.

saterkey - she's 17. Been through a list of the bills I pay - water, gas, elec, sky, broadboand, mobiles, food etc - today when I raised it again (after she'd said £400pm for flat, I'll need to pay £200) it was 'yeah, yeah, you've already said that'. I mentioned CB etc, and the reply was 'well, you don't give that to me' (er, no, that pays for you putting the CH heating on full blast, leaving all the lights on in the house, having a bath everyday etc, etc)

Bit of a strange situation with the BF tbh, he lives in a room in the house his parents own and the rest of the rooms are let. He lives rent free to keep an eye on things in the house - so she could move in with him and live rent free. But, from a safety issue, that worries me.

poet123

olibrofiz wrote: »

jackyann - i guess her dad and i could put £££ together to give her a (returnable) deposit - she's already got her eye on various bits of furniture in my house!! We've talked about the apprenticeship, in a positive way. I also made a career choice at 22 that upset my parents but am still in it 20+ years later.

balletshoes - thing is, let her go now, or insist she finishes the college year, that's the quandry

Teenagers are hard work aren't they? What course is she on? Why
does she want to leave? Is she up to date with her coursework?

Could you go and see her tutors? I lecture in a college and we try everything to retain our students, sometimes it is such a small thing that makes all the difference to how they feel about the course.

daska

19lottie82 wrote: »

Why on earth woul you do that? If she wants to attempt this plan, then let her but finance NONE of it, not a single penny!

Because sometimes the only way people learn is if they are enabled to make mistakes from which to learn. If the OP allows her to do it relatively easily she will learn from it, if it turns into a 2 year tantrum everyone loses. It's highly unlikely that she will buckle down and study if she's that headstrong and has already decided what she wants to do.

DSD is a prime example, everyone she asked told her that she was making the wrong GCSE choices, even her best friends. She threw tantrum after tantrum and eventually we said "fine, we believe you will regret your decision but they are your choices, you are the person who will have to live with them, we will support you in doing your choices but we will not bail you out when you change your mind". Now she's discovered the hard way that she doesn't have the necessary interest, nor commitment, to do well in drama, art and music and regrets not playing to her academic strengths - she'll pass but it won't be the straight A's all her teachers expected from her if she'd gone for History and Languages. For her A level choices she's come to us for advice and put enormous effort into researching what she needs to do for the careers she's considering and where her talents lie. Unfortunately her refusal to take a language (or 3) at GCSE means that these are no longer an A level option so she's also accepted that she will need to do these off her own bat.

olibrofiz

lizzywig - thanks for sharing

For a less stressful life I really want to say - just do it, go.

One side says she's still my baby, I need to look out for her and what she plans to do and I think this is really not a good thing for her. She's too young for these responsibilities.

But the other side says drop out, off you go, deal with your choices. At least when I come home there won't be bottles, crisp packets, knickers, clothes, dvds & empty cases all over the house. And everyday won't be a battle over something - taking her somewhere, cooking something she's suddenly decided she doesn't like anymore. And if I reach for something of mine she won't have 'borrowed' it, or left it in reach of the dog who;s promptly chewed it to bits.

I also feel I'm in a personal battle of doing what I believe is right for her, and actually wanting some peace myself

meritaten

Oli - It could be she has just had enough of education! and further education can feel like school - when she feels she is an adult now.
She probably thought that at college she would be treated as an adult - instead she finds it just like school! especially is she is on a acedemic course. she may be happier transferring to 'skills' course.
my suggestion is that you sit her down and LISTEN to why she doesnt like college - then suggest that a change of course may be better - Arm yourself with the names/descriptions of the skills courses the college offers. discuss them with her and let her know that you would be agreeable (if you are) to her transferring to one. (funnily enough people do drop out of courses too - so often there ARE places available.) I know one young woman who was desperately unhappy on her science course - but blossomed when she transferred to the nail technology course!
of course it would be a pity that she couldnt afford her own place if she did this - but perhaps there are ways you could alleviate this? make her room more of a bedsitting room? allow her a kettle/microwave?

thehappybutterfly

Dearie gosh - it's hard being a parent isn't it? My kids are 19 and 14 and both live at home (well, obviously the 14 year old does!) My DS (19) kids on about moving out but he knows there's no way he could afford it. He's at college and has a p/t job. He pays some board but worryingly doesn't put away any money for savings but has bought himself a PS3! A used one so kudos to him.

Anyway, I really liked Lizzywig's advice. I think if this comes up in my family (and I wouldn't be at all surprised if my 14 yo DD springs something like this in a few years - little madam that she is), I will remember this advice. I know what my reaction would normally be - screaming match and laying down the law. Lizzie - very sensible advice indeed!

mrscarolb

From her income now is she paying bed and board at home to you? or at least working for her bed and board with domestic chores around the house to help out?

olibrofiz

poet123 & meritaten - it is a skills based course she's doing, I cannot see that speaking to her tutors will have any effect as her peers are encouraging her to leave (I work at a Uni btw so have experience of students who aren't engaging etc)

daska - yep, she wouldn't listen about her GCSE;s either, but then again she wasn't interested in any of the choices.

Hahaha, her BF has just been on the phone to her about an event on Thurs nite - think I'll go and say, well, you can't really go to that can you as the 2 x taxi fares could be better put towards a flat deposit

balletshoes

did she want to go to college? did she pick the course she's doing?

i'm only asking because at her age (well, earlier than that actually) i already knew further education was most definitely not for me. I got a YTS, then a full time job, by the time I was 17.

a year later i'd moved out to my own place. i never really had a problem with bills etc, but my parents never made me feel like i couldn't go home and i knew i could ask them for practical help (but i never asked them for money).

i understand your concerns that she may be doing this because she's got a BF, and thats whats driving this need for change. maybe it is, which is why its important she knows she can come home if it doesn't work out.

my nephew had nearly finished his college course when he dropped out - my sister went mad because he'd spent so much time on it and for what? but my nephew picked up more shifts on his part-time bar job, and 2 years later he's a manager of one of the restaurant chains where he started as a barman. he's had no regrets, and his mum is very proud of him .