Teenagers - try & steer them or just let them go?

gibson123

For her own sake and your sanity let her go, she needs to do this. Give her your absolute blessing and wish her the very best. Also let her know that whilst you will always have time for her, that when she has gone from the home that you are looking forward to the extra freedom and time you will have on your hands. Ask her for a date that she will be moving out, so that you can plan, and let her know that whilst she is always back in your home, it will no longer be as a child, but as a guest and adult who pulls their wait with chores and finances. Give her the respect and independence she is reaching for. if she does fail then when she wants to move back in re-draw the rules.

Savvy_Sue

Not read the whole thread. DS3 was convinced he and a few friends were going to be able to rent a flat when he was 18, they signed up with an estate agency and paid over £300 for the reference enquiries, looked at a flat and were all ready to sign the tenancy agreement.

What stopped them was that one of the parents wouldn't sign to be a guarantor, not on that flat at any rate. No guarantor, no flat.

BTW, do you have a Foyer locally? I'd point her to that ...

olibrofiz

Thanks for your posts all, I really do appreciate them. Just to clear up the 'I'll have to pay £200' - this was what DD said about a flat that was £400pm - she wasn't indicating I should pay it.

Ex-OH and I have had a chat about it all and agreed on some points. DD is doing work experience next month, and she has agreed that she'll do that and see how she feels at the end of it. It;s all still rumbling on, although quieter at the moment.

As one of her issues with being at college rather than work/benefits/apprenticeship is money I was pondering on whether I should give her the maintenance her dad provides, as a weekly 'wage' while she's doing her w/e.

What do you think? Bonkers? Opening another can of worms?

nearlyrich

Come on she is 17 of course she knows everything and parents know nothing (sigh, roll eyes)...

Bit of tough love time.....

If she insists on leaving home make sure she knows you love her and will always be there for her but adult choices are her financial responsibility. I have a family member going through something similar too and it's hard to watch self destruction happen.

olibrofiz

Still all rumbling on.....

Ok. I carried on with my bright idea of giving DD a 'wage' (the maintenance her dad provides). She was pleased. And also agreed to the, not unrealistic, terms, ie: some of the money to go towards living expenses (I would no longer be stacking the fridge as she turns her nose up at things I've bought for her), keep certain rooms in the house bottle/wrapper/knicker free, deal with her own washing, pay for bus fares, cinema, save for presents, makeup, clothes, AND A FLAT. There were ££££ penalties for the house tidying, she's down on £10 for next week so far already.

Her bf came over last night, and stayed at one of her friends (my rule, he only stays one night at the weekend). They go into town on the bus, and she's to go to her work experience.

She rings me. She's on the wrong bus, she's gone back to town. Ok, says I, get the right bus next time it goes. She then announces she has no money - she's paid for her bf on the bus into town, given him money to get home, bought them both a McD, and now there's none left. So, feeling a sense of responsibility as i know the people where she's working, I leave work to get her. I can't bring myself to speak to her on the journey, but she announces it's not her fault she got on the wrong bus, or that she has no money for further bus fares. :mad:

At the time I could have screamed, but I've calmed down now. But I feel empty, I just can't speak to her. I'm speechless.

Every single day is a battle, and I'm so tired of it all. It's ALWAYS someone else's fault. I love her, but so, so tired.

Sambucus_Nigra

Why didn't you leave her in town for a few hours to stew on it?

kj*daisy

Don't give her the money - if she's handed money on a plate she'll never see she has to work a proper job for it. And every time she gets some withheld you'll be facing arguments, and youll end up footing the bill for stuff still. from family experience I would say that kids who get money like this end up with a great sense of entitlement but no responsibility. Is she already getting the child benefit? that's a lot of money to just give her.

daska

Part of being an adult is making sure you save enough for the bus fare, getting on the right bus and changing buses if you get on the wrong one. You've given her a wage because she wants to be an adult. You now have to let her be an adult. Next time she gets it wrong you must let her put it right.

ska_lover

olibrofiz wrote: »

Still all rumbling on.....

Ok. I carried on with my bright idea of giving DD a 'wage' (the maintenance her dad provides). She was pleased. And also agreed to the, not unrealistic, terms, ie: some of the money to go towards living expenses (I would no longer be stacking the fridge as she turns her nose up at things I've bought for her), keep certain rooms in the house bottle/wrapper/knicker free, deal with her own washing, pay for bus fares, cinema, save for presents, makeup, clothes, AND A FLAT. There were ££££ penalties for the house tidying, she's down on £10 for next week so far already.

Her bf came over last night, and stayed at one of her friends (my rule, he only stays one night at the weekend). They go into town on the bus, and she's to go to her work experience.

She rings me. She's on the wrong bus, she's gone back to town. Ok, says I, get the right bus next time it goes. She then announces she has no money - she's paid for her bf on the bus into town, given him money to get home, bought them both a McD, and now there's none left. So, feeling a sense of responsibility as i know the people where she's working, I leave work to get her. I can't bring myself to speak to her on the journey, but she announces it's not her fault she got on the wrong bus, or that she has no money for further bus fares. :mad:

At the time I could have screamed, but I've calmed down now. But I feel empty, I just can't speak to her. I'm speechless.

Every single day is a battle, and I'm so tired of it all. It's ALWAYS someone else's fault. I love her, but so, so tired.

Hi OP. I am a couple of years infront of you in the 'teenager' stakes and I know how tiring it can all be. When you think you have made a little headway, you are three paces backwards again.

From an outsiders point of view IMO your daughter is playing you like a fiddle. And you are making it easy for her, but not actually doing her any favours.

She is the boss of you at the moment, and knows just how to work it, I think you need to toughen up

Don't give her the maintenance money - that is for putting food on the table, and paying bills, not for squandering on stuff that teenagers do. Why should you struggle while she wastes money on Maccy D's?

You left your job during a shift to make sure she gets to her work experience..you are telling her ''you are so much more important than me or my own life is''. Stop this, she is practically an adult.

There is no way I would even consider letting her have a boyfriend to stay over, if she disrespected the household and herself so much that she left dirty underwear around the place.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I dont mean it to, but I have just re read it and it does sound a bit harsh, but I think with teenagers they will totally run you ragged if you give them an inch.

I say this with experience as I used to be really soft on my lad and he used to get away with a lot, but have toughend up over the last couple of years. It got to the stage where I would dread coming home after work to the latest drama. I even came on here with a false user name asking for help. He was totally running the household/disrespecting me and I realised I had to put a stop to it and at first it was a real culture shock to him. I started seeing him more for the adult he was becoming rather than babying him or making excuses for his behaviour. Back then if he started 'gobbing off' (giving me needless attitude) I would generally keep quiet to try and keep the peace, but I realised he wasn't learning anything as he wouldnt get away with it with anyone else and on top of that - I was being a mug, so I started giving him attitude back.He was very self centred at that point.

My lad is 19 now and in college, and has to ask permission for his girlfriend to say over - it is never taken for granted (same as your rule, once a week - friday nights) and before he even asks, he knows there are certain things he must do, such as his washing, his room must contain no dirty laundry or dishes. If he does not do these things, i would feel no way about sending his girlfriend off from the doorstep. He has household chores. I get Child Benefit until he is 20 as he has no income whilst at college, but do I give him spending money? No. If he needs new shoes/a hair-cut/health related things I will give him the amount he needs for specific items, but he has no money for buying (what I would call) junk. If he wants money, he can get a job. Nowadays everyone remarks on how he has changed over the last 2 - 3 years, he has grown into a very thoughtful caring young man, who has time for everyone

I lived it and learned it. Take control of the situation hun, it is hard.

In answer to your question 'teenagers, try and steer them, or let them go' - the answer would be steer them. It is the hard choice and takes a lot of time and effort, but your girl will come good in the end, you will see.

Good luck

heretolearn_2

She acts like a spoiled brat because you spoil her. So why not stop doing that?

Why did you leave work to go and get her? Was she about to be iminently axe-murdered? Whatg about your responsibility to your job and your employers. You've now told your child that her convenience is more important that anyone's job. What kind of lesson is that?

When I was 16 in my first job I got myself stranded there without the bus money home and I didn't go demanding mummy left work to come get me. I walked 13 miles home wearing wellies!

You have a monster of your own making here, as you admit in your first post. So why complain about something you continue to create? She's not going to spontaneously turn into a nice person if acting the brat gets here exactly what she wants. Time to grow a pair?