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aliasojo

one_hot_minute wrote: »

I've only People I've know to use this tactic have been utter !!!!!! trying to get out of trouble or save their own backside. I've had the 'god, I'm so sorry, I didn't think to tell you' which is different than 'I didn't lie, i just didn't tell you.' which is just wordplay and semantics really .

Maybe that depends on how they are being asked though?

If victory asked about 'whatever' in a calm manner and this was the first response then I think you have a point.

However, if she was 'kicking off' and being angry and accusing people of lying to her, then I could quite understand someone very calmly stating 'I did not lie to you, I just didn't tell you'.

I think context has a large part to play.

(I'm not saying vic did kick off btw...just trying to illustrate a possible example.)

meritaten

I think it would depend on circumstances - for example
If I saw a man out with another woman in a pub - I wouldnt necessarily think that it was something to mention to his missus. there could be an innocent explanation.
unless - that man was a known womaniser - but even then - you would have to weigh up his wifes reaction ................... I did this once and oh boy did I regret it! talk about 'kill the messenger'!
so you see victory - there are many reasons for not telling something - no-one can be sure of the reaction of the person being told. they may not even be sure there is something WORTH telling! very often a person sees something and thinks nothing of it - its only later that it is important.

thorsoak

I think if I were in the situation that I think you are in, Victory, I would be inclined to tell the other parties (I say parties deliberately because you refer to "them" and "they") - that I am hurt that they did not feel that they could confide in me/tell me what was going on, but that perhaps they can try to help me understand why they thought they were doing it for the best.

Make your feelings known without being confrontational.

littlerat

To be honest victory it does all depend on the actual situation.

If it's something that doesn't directly relate to you, it could be that while you're upset to not be told, it was ok really (objectively) for them to withhold it.

But if it's something that is directly about you... well, that changed things.

Examples are difficult though!

Spendless

victory wrote: »

If you were not told something and they say ' I didn't lie to you, it is just I did not tell you'

or... 'I never told you because you never asked', so therefore it is not lying.

or... 'I thought it best to not say anything for your sake, I made the judgement call best not to upset you' is that not lying?

Which is right? Or is it how I feel just a technicallity in terms of words?

I think the first is keeping something from you, rather than lying. The 2nd infuriates me, I've had a close relative use it in a row and really how would I know to ask, it was up to you to tell me. The 3rdI find more acceptable, that they made the decision they did with what they believed to be your best interests in mind.

marywooyeah

victory wrote: »

I know and for that I apologize, not going into it deeply, best not to, simply to say that I do feel wronged, the info is as important now as it was then but even more so then because it could have had a different handling then, now I feel it is too late, the time has gone, it cannot be brought back or rectified in any way but was never given that chance to do anything as never knew.


I feel the whole thing is being justified by them by all of the above that they have said but how did it become their call to withold this information for any of the above reasons they put across?

You can hardly go around thinking up questions/scenarios to ask just incase they have some info and you hit on it by accidental and then they tell you can you?

no need to apologise I wasn't suggesting you should tell the whole story, just that its hard to gauge the level of "wrongness" from what you'd said originally. given your above post it's obvious that it's something very big, and for what it's worth I'm sorry you're hurting x

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If it is something like you have just acquired an adult stepchild or a grandchild, then that is a bad thing they have done.

If it's something like remortgaging your house to pay for something you've already you didn't want, that's a bad thing.

If it's someone like someone getting a criminal record/going to prison, that's a bad thing.



If it's eating all the peanut butter or decorating the spare room, that's not a problem.


Guessing games aren't much entertainment, though, so I'm not going to philosophise any further about abstract concepts of ethicism.

coolcait

victory wrote: »

If you were not told something and they say ' I didn't lie to you, it is just I did not tell you'

or... 'I never told you because you never asked', so therefore it is not lying.

or... 'I thought it best to not say anything for your sake, I made the judgement call best not to upset you' is that not lying?

Which is right? Or is it how I feel just a technicallity in terms of words?

It's impossible to give you an answer without knowing what you're talking about.

You don't want to say what you're talking about (which is your prerogative).

Which makes the entire thread pretty redundant.

Despite that, a number of people have given you a number of possible scenarios. I think that's very kind of them.

I'm not saying anything else about this thread.

Does that mean that I am lying?

Who can tell, on the information given....

splishsplash

I think the minute someone makes a judgement call to withold information, they are then playing a power game at your expense that they have no right to do.

Hurtful information* can be delivered gently and appropriately, but should still be delivered, because if not, this type of situation arises when the information eventually becomes known. Just because the information has the power to hurt is no reason not to share it if it is correct to do so.

Whether it's lying or deceipt is just a matter of semantics. How would I feel about the people involved? Bitter, angry, resentful. Would I forgive them? Probably not, given my own experience.


*let's be clear, I'm talking about facts, I don't mean speculation or gossip by this, which the 'husband seen in public with another woman' falls into, imho.

DVardysShadow

kitsonchen wrote: »

Lying is not bad sometimes,so it depends on the situation.

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