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lostinrates

Its not lying to withold information. It can be deceptive however. And dishonest.

It doesn't have to be. We all withold information regularly, and i suspect it happens significantly on this particular board as people seek to justify their actions when posting for advice. Sometimes withholding information is for simplicity and brevity, sometimes for security, sometimes because telling the information betrays someone elses confidence...a position i have found incredibly distressing to be in, sometimes its simply to be duplicitous or dishonest.

E.g. Victory, most people feel there is not enough info in order to make a judgement of their opinion in this instance, but i don't think that means you have lied!

onlyroz

People have different perceptions about the information they feel is required to pass on to somebody else. E.g. let's say you went away on holiday for a week and didn't tell your mum. She might feel a bit miffed but you might not have thought she would be interested.

There are other more gray areas, like should you tell your child they were adopted, or born through IVF, or whatever. You could argue that there is no "need" for the child to know, but you might still decide to tell them anyway.

pinkclouds

Saying nothing might make people feel you are thoughtless or unkind but it is a neutral state. Lying is an active state of telling falsehoods.

My dad has always told us: you must always tell the truth but an omission is not a lie.

The person concerned is clearly not as communicative as you believed. However they did not lie to you. All you can do with the information you now have is deal with the burden of knowledge. Emotions are separate from facts. Nothing that has happened invalidates your feelings.

magenta22

I personally don't see it as lying because if wasn't asked about something and just not told them, it could be something that they didn't think was needed to be known because they are dealing with it.

If you asked them outright about something and they then didn't tell you, then it's lying.

clearing_out_my_pockets

Whilst I can't comment on whether you have been lied to in your situation, OP, I'd just like to 'warn' you about challenging the person who said it and urge you to exercise caution in this regard.

A few weeks ago, I fell out with a good friend who I have known for 18 and a bit years. The reason? I told her a whilte lie that didn't affect her in the slightest. My very best friend is pregnant and (by my own admission and of my own choice) I told a white lie to keep her secret for her. In the three weeks since, our friendship has gone from daily contact to pretty much nothing.

If you are going to 'confront' this person, be clear in your mind what outcome you want. Although I know that this situation is different, this is still a case of one friend accusing another of lying. And here it's with a pretty sad ending.

LiiinnngggY

When i found out my ex slept with a married couple, his reply was "i didn't lie to you, it is just i did not tell you" :mad:

I gave him a second chance and he still went out and done it again, but this time his reply was "I don't know why i told you, it had nothing to do with you".

Being in a relationship is about being honest, its a shame that my ex was too immature to understand.

x

reheat

It's no accident that the oath you swear in court requires you to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Lying by omission is lying IF the intent is to mislead you.

An example. Suppose someone tells you they were walking along the pavement with their dog, when this car suddenly and very deliberately (they watched the driver do so) swerved onto the pavement and injured their dog. What would you think of the driver?

Suppose you then discover from another person, that what you were told is absolutely true, but omitted the fact the driver swerved because a small child ran in front of the car. You might then have a different opinion of the driver. And of the person walking their dog.

There are people who will deliberately mislead, yet claim they are being truthful because they never actually uttered an untruth. But lying by omission is just that - lying.

On the other hand there are many other situations when holding some of the truth back is OK, morally right even. What's the difference? I suspect everyone will have their own answer for this. For me it is all about integrity - the judgement calls a person makes to decide which way to go in which circumstance, is pretty much what defines a person's integrity in my book. And when faced with a person's judgement calls in a certain situation, it gives me a strong indication of how I feel about their integrity. In some ways it's a very personal thing, because we all have differing ideas about integrity.

reheat

clearing_out_my_pockets wrote: »

Whilst I can't comment on whether you have been lied to in your situation, OP, I'd just like to 'warn' you about challenging the person who said it and urge you to exercise caution in this regard.

A few weeks ago, I fell out with a good friend who I have known for 18 and a bit years. The reason? I told her a whilte lie that didn't affect her in the slightest. My very best friend is pregnant and (by my own admission and of my own choice) I told a white lie to keep her secret for her. In the three weeks since, our friendship has gone from daily contact to pretty much nothing.

If you are going to 'confront' this person, be clear in your mind what outcome you want. Although I know that this situation is different, this is still a case of one friend accusing another of lying. And here it's with a pretty sad ending.

To me that's evidence of good integrity, and where it was justified to tell a white lie. It's not right to expect someone to always be truthful if asked about personal information, either their own or someone else's. Especially when answering evasively will just be taken as the 'wrong' answer.

And thinking about it, I would define a "white lie" as one of those lies where it really is done with integrity. But of course we all have our own interpretation of integrity.

reheat

pinkclouds wrote: »

Saying nothing might make people feel you are thoughtless or unkind but it is a neutral state. Lying is an active state of telling falsehoods.

My dad has always told us: you must always tell the truth but an omission is not a lie.

The person concerned is clearly not as communicative as you believed. However they did not lie to you. All you can do with the information you now have is deal with the burden of knowledge. Emotions are separate from facts. Nothing that has happened invalidates your feelings.

I'm afraid I disagree with this utterly. It can end up being a lie, ranging from a very small lie, to a massive one.