Where do women fit having children in??

vixarooni

I'm 25 and i understand the OP's feelings of feeling under a certain amount of pressure to be everything as a woman, and it seems like such a small window in which to do it all. Perhaps certain women feel different pressures to others... the women i know who have gone to university lead very different lives to those who didn't from my school.

I hope that when i am in a position to have a child, i will have everything set up to give them the best upbringing they can have. Financial security, the love of two parents, a good home life and security. I don't think i can provide that in my 20's. I don't feel mature enough as a person, i don't know enough about the world to teach my child things ect.

But everyone is different. I work for an airline, and i met a pilot who's mother had him out of wedlock at 16 (back in the day when that was frowned upon) and now he's a pilot, so it goes to show it probably doesn't matter what age the parent is!

delain

unixgirluk wrote: »

Suki, it worked out for you but with age comes wisdom and out of about 25 friends of similar and older ages to myself only 1 of them is still with the person there were with at 20. At 20 you're generally naive and think the love will last forever, if you're lucky it does but unfortunately reality kicks in with the bills and stress. As for the medical risks, the younger you are (teens) the higher they are too. I know of one girl who thought it would be 'cool' to have a child at 16. The child is severly autistic and the girl doesn't want to know at all she's realised we were right and it was the wrong decision. All she wants to do is get drunk and party (she's 19 now), the child is in care and she gets an hour visit once a week to get a photo for her facebook so she can say she's a 'mummy'.

Each person has to make the decision based on their own circumstances and not on those around them.

You have evidence to back that up presumably? Not just that ONE teen had a baby with problems?

My DD1 was born when I was 17 and she is a bright, intelligent, loving child who loves to play scrabble!

My cousin has a perfectly normal 3 year old born when she was 16...

Oh and neither have been left in care either!

zcrat41

suki1001 wrote: »

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There seems to be a concencious that you'd be mad to have children before 30. I don't think I'm the exception to the rule, but it's almost deemed unacceptable and irresponsible. You won't be as a good a mother in your 20's, your children will suffer if you can't afford to buy expensive holidays or the latest clothes (we have never been big holiday people, I've never felt without). Bizarelly, the marriages that I know who are struggling are women who have settled down later in life and have young children.

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I spent my 20's saying this and that I was being a career woman, building my life, having fun, experiencing things.

The honest truth - that I hadn't met the right man and I would love to have had kids in my 20's but I didn't meet my oh till we were 29 and for me, marriage comes before kids so I was 30 before we married.

There's a lot of my friends that say the same but I know deep down, they'd jack a lot of this in quicker than you can say freedom and independence if they met the right man.

OP - personally I'd be thinking about marriage before kids. Teamlowe made an important point that she'd never have got through a mc without him. You never know what life is going to throw at you.

suki1001

unixgirluk wrote: »

Suki, it worked out for you but with age comes wisdom and out of about 25 friends of similar and older ages to myself only 1 of them is still with the person there were with at 20. At 20 you're generally naive and think the love will last forever, if you're lucky it does but unfortunately reality kicks in with the bills and stress. As for the medical risks, the younger you are (teens) the higher they are too. I know of one girl who thought it would be 'cool' to have a child at 16. The child is severly autistic and the girl doesn't want to know at all she's realised we were right and it was the wrong decision. All she wants to do is get drunk and party (she's 19 now), the child is in care and she gets an hour visit once a week to get a photo for her facebook so she can say she's a 'mummy'.

Each person has to make the decision based on their own circumstances and not on those around them.

If someone gets pregnant in their teens, not that I'm reccommending it, but it can work out ok. A barrister friend of mine had a mother who was 17 when she had him. Having a child because "it's cool" is clearly not a brilliant motive to have a child, but you cannot use extreme examples of having a baby at 16, because it's not a case of either or. I know many people in their 20's whose lives are sorted, I also know many people who are in their forties and are coming up to 20 plus years of marriage. As the other poster said, you cannot use one example of a 16 year as a reason why people shouldn't have children in their 20's. I don't think that if you find a partner and it's working, why you should wait 10-15 years to have a baby just in case it goes wrong.
I would say I am no more experienced, mature, than I was in my mid 20's. I am not wiser. My knowledge of how not to do marriage was being brought up by my parents. My father didn't learn in any decade and is on to his third marriage in his 60's.

suki1001

zcrat41 wrote: »

I spent my 20's saying this and that I was being a career woman, building my life, having fun, experiencing things.

The honest truth - that I hadn't met the right man and I would love to have had kids in my 20's but I didn't meet my oh till we were 29 and for me, marriage comes before kids so I was 30 before we married.

There's a lot of my friends that say the same but I know deep down, they'd jack a lot of this in quicker than you can say freedom and independence if they met the right man.

OP - personally I'd be thinking about marriage before kids. Teamlowe made an important point that she'd never have got through a mc without him. You never know what life is going to throw at you.

I think you're completely right. That's exactly what I was doing, although I did meet the right man, I thought somehow to actually say "I'd like children in my twenties" would be like saying: "I have no aspirations in my life and I just want to be a little housewife." And I did think, having children in your 20's is for saddos and losers and didn't entertain the thought. What I didn't actually see, was what a wonderful thing I was missing out on. I had the opportunity to be a mum in my 20's if I'd have been that sort of person, but because of how society views this, I wasn't even going to consider having children earlier than my 30's. How fortunate that it did actually happen, because I am so, so lucky. I have 10 extra years of my children in my life.

Uniscots97

my evidence on health issues in teens, came from the literature the girl I spoke about was given by the doctors and her midwife. She was told that being so young her body wasn't developed properly and wasn't ready to have a baby, she was offered (and declined) various tests to ensure the baby's health and given advice on her own health as well.

daisiegg

That's interesting. My sister's a medical student and when she was learning about reproduction she sent me a very depressing text to the effect that a woman is at her peak of fertility at 19 - it's all downhill from there! It seems a sad trick of evolution if your fertility is at its best at a time when your body is 'not ready to have a baby'...

*Beki*

OP- what about your career? You say you want to do a PGCE/PhD but then won't have an opportunity to use and develop those skills in a career if you immediately decide to have children. I'm 25 and have been with my partner over 3 years but neither of us want children for quite a while. Everybody's priorities are different but I'm a little selfish in thinking that I want to have a few years enjoying my life with my boyf and pursuing my career interests before children enter the equation! It's easier for men, but even if you do decide to go straight back to work after having a baby there's no denying that it affects a woman's career a lot more. Which in terms of financial stability and personal fulfillment is something to bear in mind...

lostinrates

My mother had her children twenty years apart, she said without doubt the first was easiest, physically emotionally and lifestyle impact. Dh and i both were the offspring of what then was considered older parents, but are now a perfectly normal age. Personally, we knew we wanted them in late twenties/early thirties. If one came along now we'd be pleased, but from our experiences and what our mothers told us, we feel younger wold have been better for US. Of course it wuld have made lots of our other life choices different.

Carl31

unixgirluk wrote: »

my evidence on health issues in teens, came from the literature the girl I spoke about was given by the doctors and her midwife. She was told that being so young her body wasn't developed properly and wasn't ready to have a baby, she was offered (and declined) various tests to ensure the baby's health and given advice on her own health as well.

Im pretty sure you’re ready to have a baby when your periods start, not when society tells you too

Its pretty well documented that having babies younger is better for all those involved health wise, and as you get older, it carries more risks. The amount of couples i know who have had miscarriages in their late 20s / early 30s is quite shocking, plus you might find those he seek IVF tend to be older.