.................

kj*daisy

Only you know what you can make of the reason they have given you, but for your own sake I would suggest that you also move away from the group (friendship wise) and strengthen other friendships as it seems a very odd group dynamic for them to make that decision on your behalf when you had clearly expressed an interest in going. I would be very upset in your situation as well.

poet123

And was the news so terrible that you could not have reasonably been expected to cope with it?

I think it sounds like an excuse. I would guess that the one who has had the news is the one behind not inviting you, she has probably used the "news" to manipulate the situation and they have all gone along with it because of that. Think hard, out of them all is she the one you get on with least, does she have anything to hold against you from the past? Are you closer to one of them than she is and she is jealous? There will be something.

Chin up, I would arrange my own holiday with another friend/family member.

Mandles

Maybe just one person has a problem with you? It only takes one strong willed person to say , im not going if she goes and sheep will follow. Definately sounds like friend who rung you has no problem with you or it is a case of out of sight out of mind!
Ask a different friend if you can. That is a bit mean if you ask me!

Edit. Ignore that, just read your earlier comment. Seems like they wanted to save your feelings, hurting one friend to help another still sounds out of order. Maybe time to look for better friends??

nzmegs

I would revel in the fact that your friends are going to feel very guilty when they return from their holiday. they won't be able to look you in the eye, talk about the trip when you are around and will generally feel bad about the whole trip. Nice time they are likely to have!! Not.

Nicki

I can think of circumstances where news might be kept from one friend in a circle of friends though for the best possible motives, and where the excluded friend might actually prefer it. One example might be if friend A had just had a termination, and friend B was recovering from a miscarriage, or struggling with infertility. I have seen lots of posts from people in friend B's position on specialist forums struggling to get to grips with a friend A. There are any number of other plausible scenarios which you could come up with where feelings run high and the potential for hurt is great.

In your shoes, OP I would try and let the dust settle for a few days, then think about whether or not the excuse holds water. If I felt that my friends were genuinely trying to spare my feelings, then I'd be inclined to be thick skinned and forgive them. If on the other hand I felt it was an excuse they had come up with because they intended to exclude me, I'd cut loose.

There is no doubt they handled things badly and have hurt you, but the main issue I think is whether they did so with good or malign intent towards you, and only you can really decide what is most likely.

FBaby

I think if the whole story is true (about this friend's circumstances), then i think it actually show that they really care about you and even if you thinking you were left out hurt, even if they got it wrong, they did it thinking of what they thought what was best for you. If you are confident that it is not make-up (and if it is, you are well ridden of them anyway!), I would give them the benefit of the doubt.

poltergeist

Thank you for your replies.

kj I just feel I have been left out.

poet I am trying to find that something

mandles not sure they must feel as if they are caught in the middle?

nz true...........

Nicki there are other scenarios but yes true. I genuinely think that it is to spare my feelings, a long winded painful hurtful way to go around it but yes the good intentions I can see, it is for the good,rahter than spite, that they don't like me etc

fbaby I have no doubt the friends story is true, that I do know, well I never knew a thing until it was 'forced out of' the other friend but yes absolutely true, no lies there, I am going to give it a few days as nicky said, it always looks better having digested all the info then, I think it waswith the best intentions just so wish they would have commumicated it all better than 'side' with the other friend, oh how childish that sounds, so childish, it is just that I need some perspective as I see them all consoling the other friend, going on hol with the other friend and I get to stay at home and be alone without them, oh dear I am coming across wrong. I know what I mean I apologize.

lostinrates

Op, as you feel the story is true i think the best thing you can do is build fences. Firstly, be kind to yourself.....its understandable to be a little hurt.

Secondly a kind note of thanks to the friend who told you what was going on to say thank you for reassuring you would be a good idea. She must feel dreadful.

Thirdly, if the friend they are helping now knows you know what ever the dreadful thing is, would a note or even a flower delvery be appropriate...?

My guess is all your friends will also feel bruised and shame faced at a failure to deal with this well, and you have the opportunity to prove yourself a good friend and person and feel better yourself by making some kind gestures.

There_Goes_Trouble

Things done with the best of intentions can still be extremely hurtful.

I had a trainee at work once. She felt she was being bullied by our supervisor and got the whole team on her side. Without my knowledge they went as a group to our manager and complained, but no one told me until my manager called me into the office to gently explain what had happened. The team said they didn't tell me because I was the girls mentor, but that they weren't complaining about me, it was about the supervisor.

I still felt extremely hurt because basically, the whole team had gone behind my back to complain about how my trainee was being taught, and no one had told me what was going on. I felt excluded and like they hadn't trusted me. I would not have become involved in the complaint had I known about it, but they should have told me what they were doing so that I didn't feel left out, excluded and that I was part of the problem. I never really felt part of the team again after that, the feeling of complete exclusion has stayed with me for a long time.

I know it was not their intention to hurt me and I'm pretty sure that none of them really ever understood quite how deeply hurt I was - and clearly still am!

I wish I had had the opportunity to explain to them how their actions had impacted on me, but at the time we did not have general access to email (that's how long ago it was!) and I was not brave enough to speak up in a team meeting as I knew I would just cry and feel embarrassed.

In your shoes now, I would send a group email to all of them and explain that although you do believe them when they say they thought they were acting in your best interests, you have actually found it very hurtful to be left out in this way, and another time would they please explain to you what's going on so that you know you're not being excluded, just that the activity being planned isn't suitable for you.

Slinky

I just find it odd that this whole thing 'to cheer her up' is taking place in June. Is this person expected to remain miserable until her holiday? Things done to cheer people up get done in the present time don't they?