.................

FunnySaving

In fairness, we don't know that the group as a whole have excluded the OP - it may be that one person has told the others that she said she didn't want to go so by not asking the OP could be sacrificing perfectly good friendships with 5 people in order not to lose face in front of one person who will then get what they want. I don't think pride really comes into it - if the OP wants an explanation, then why not ask for one? If it confirms her fears and the group are acting en masse, then she can't make things worse and probably won't be speaking to them again anyway. If it has been down to a misunderstanding/deliberate sabotage on behalf of one or two members of the group, then she will be able to get to the bottom of it and perhaps salvage some of the friendships which she previously valued. Either way, I think that assuming it is a conspiracy involving everyone is probably making her feel worse than considering the alternatives.

shays_mum

Hi op,

Sorry to hear about your situation.

If it was me (you did mention the distance of everyone not being near by), i would send an email or text to everyone saying something like "thanks for thinking of me when you booked this holiday!!, have a really nice time ", sort of in a laughing manner!

If they were your real friends they would get in touch with you, if they are not, i would walk away, knowing you said what needed to be said.

Its not worth beating yourself up about it, i know i have been in a similar situation & had to toughen up, best decision i made when i walked away.

Stay strong hun x

FattyBettyBoo

If I were you I would need to know for my own sanity. You seem reluctant to walk away from them as friends, yet how are you going to feel when they get back from the holiday with all these great stories and photos? If you find out "why" you can make an informed desicion as to whether to be involved in future.

Steel_2

Op I've been in your position before, and this is for you and all of those out there this has happened to.

I used to live with a group of three girls and we all agreed one summer to go away for a week's skiing holiday that coming January. This was about 12 years ago now. I found out by accident that while they were 'including' me in discussions they had already booked the holiday together and were not planning on telling me anything.

Thinking back I wasn't like them in the respect they loved going out on the lash and bringing men back to their rooms at all hours. I was a bit studious and serious and didn't drink much so I suspect I wouldn't have had a great time anyway, but still.

However, I got my revenge in the end and I bloody enjoyed it.

I was lucky enough to work for a very laid back Australian boss (they worked in another department) and at that point hadn't taken any holiday that year. With his blessing and agrement to keep schtum, I quietly booked five weeks off, some of which I had to work up hours in leiu, and booked to go and see some family and a friend I had in Melbourne.

Christmas started approaching and these 'friends' started getting very uptight trying to keep a lid on their secret. They were grumpy, snappy and trying to avoid me whenever I asked them what was happening with the skiing, which I put down to guilt.

The day we were due to break for Christmas I went to see them all in the staff room at lunctime and wished them all a great Christmas and that I'd see them in February.

To this day I still remember the look on their faces when I told them I was off to Australia on 27th and that I wasn't sure what was happening with the skiing but hoped they didn't mind me booking something else as it looked like they weren't going.

And with that I left early and went home for Christmas.

I had a phenomenal time in Oz and when I returned brown and happy, got to hear all about how bad their holiday was from others. Oh yes they got drunk. And picked up men. Got STDs. Got mugged and their hotel room broken into and eventually fallen out with one another and weren't speaking when they returned.

Chin up OP. This little nest of vipers will get their comeuppance and I hope to God it's you that dishes it out to them :-)

poltergeist

...........,,

Lotus-eater

Carl31 wrote: »

Apparently, at any one time, you can count your true friends on one hand
As i have gotten older, thats become more and more apparent

That's been so true with me. Especially since the chainsaw incident.

tea_lover

poltergeist wrote: »

I have found out by talking to the 3rd friend today that they are all going to 'cheer her up' because I was told in the absolute strictness of confidence that she has had some terrible news and they felt that they should all go to Zante and look after her and make her happier etc, because I was not told this extremely personal info by the person it affects, no one else felt they could tell me, they say it is not a reflection on me just that they thought I would not be able to handle it and they would deal with it. They say they were protecting me as I have had some upsets and maybe could not deal with anymore for now so everyone told everyone else and organized it and are going and left me out so that I would not have to handle anymore difficult times than I have done.

They seemed to have made all the judgement calls, decisions for me without consulting me or confiding in me but they keep saying they did it for me.

Isn't it up to me to make that call?


They did it for me. Uhm?

I'm sorry but that sounds like utter pish. You deserve better than 'friends' who can only come up with such a rubbish excuse for not inviting you.

poltergeist

Yes to protect me? To save my feelings? So you all book and leave me out thinking that is best for me? Not sure of the exact day I stopped my brain from working for me.....

FunnySaving

poltergeist wrote: »

I have found out by talking to the 3rd friend today that they are all going to 'cheer her up' because I was told in the absolute strictness of confidence that she has had some terrible news and they felt that they should all go to Zante and look after her and make her happier etc, because I was not told this extremely personal info by the person it affects, no one else felt they could tell me, they say it is not a reflection on me just that they thought I would not be able to handle it and they would deal with it. They say they were protecting me as I have had some upsets and maybe could not deal with anymore for now so everyone told everyone else and organized it and are going and left me out so that I would not have to handle anymore difficult times than I have done.

They seemed to have made all the judgement calls, decisions for me without consulting me or confiding in me but they keep saying they did it for me.

Isn't it up to me to make that call?


They did it for me. Uhm?

Admittedly they may have gone about things in completely the wrong way, but it does now sound as though they were at least trying to spare your feelings and/or those of the other friend. It may not be the way you would have chosen for them to go about it, but as only you know what this bad news is and what your own circumstances are you will have to decide as to whether you think that their actions were potentially reasonable. Let the dust settle a little so you aren't thinking about it all with the emotional upheaval of the whole situation still colouring your view point and you might feel a little differently.

If you still feel aggrieved, then perhaps it's worth telling the friend who has now confided in you that you would prefer to make decisions for yourself and would rather they let you in on things than excluded you - it can be difficult to judge how people will respond to things, so if you still want to be friends then it might be worth reassuring them and letting them know that it came across that they had excluded you for other reasons.

poltergeist

FunnySaving wrote: »

Admittedly they may have gone about things in completely the wrong way, but it does now sound as though they were at least trying to spare your feelings and/or those of the other friend. It may not be the way you would have chosen for them to go about it, but as only you know what this bad news is and what your own circumstances are you will have to decide as to whether you think that their actions were potentially reasonable. Let the dust settle a little so you aren't thinking about it all with the emotional upheaval of the whole situation still colouring your view point and you might feel a little differently.

If you still feel aggrieved, then perhaps it's worth telling the friend who has now confided in you that you would prefer to make decisions for yourself and would rather they let you in on things than excluded you - it can be difficult to judge how people will respond to things, so if you still want to be friends then it might be worth reassuring them and letting them know that it came across that they had excluded you for other reasons.

Thank you I agree with what you are saying it is not the way I would have done it and maybe a million more other people but it was done that way and all that comes to mind over and over again is I have been left out, I have been left out.

I know the friend feels tortured she had to say what the 'problem' was as it was not her place to and she was going against a confidence but she did because she wanted me to know it was not about me being left out but I do feel it.