.................

Alikay

I'd be inclined to contact the one I get on best with (probably the one who "let the cat out of the bag") and make it clear that you know about the holiday, are very hurt and have decided to drop out of the group since you're clearly so unpopular with them.

It's not worth asking the reason why as you won't get an honest response. Most of us women have had similar happen at some point in our lives (schooldays in my case - excluded from a big night out). Sometimes I think the act of ganging up and shunning someone seems more exciting and to hold more significance to the rest of the group than the event itself! That sort of behaviour should be left behind in the playground, but it often isn't: Spiteful and pathetic.:(

fluffnutter

losingpatience wrote: »

I don't think it's a sign of weakness to ask them this, I think it's a sign of strength rather than just sitting back and saying nothing to spare their feelings.

Saying nothing isn't to spare their feelings! It's about rising above pettiness and silliness and realising that begging for an explanation is exactly what they want you to do.

OrkneyStar

LandyAndy wrote: »

No matter how many of these threads I read (and there are plenty) I am always surprised by just how two-faced and unpleasant women are, particularly to each other.:(

Exactly why I enjoy speaking to males as much as females (had a really good male friend, completely platonic, at Uni, still keep in touch with him and his wife). I do have some female friends, none 'best friend' so to speak, but people I can chat with. I also enjoy my own company though, and try not to get involved in the 'group/clique', 'we are going, do YOU want to come too ?' mentality.
Move on OP, life is too short.

duchy

I have a friend who I've consistently included in events -sometimes which included foreign and UK travel and would never have dreamed of leaving her out. Anyway another event came up which was a "must do" so I contacted her and she told me she had already booked (usually first to hear contacts the other to say -shall we do it). I have no idea why she's done it-when I hinted I was upset she snapped at me -whether through nastiness or guilt I have no clue but you just move on. Obviously she regarded the friendship differently to me - I can't change things and if I see her I'll say hello and move along. -Yes I'm hurt but I'll get over it and I guess it's better to know. I keep getting asked by people if I'm going to the event with her <sigh> I just say no and change the subject.

No point in turning it into a drama but yes it IS upsetting-Heyho

DVardysShadow

fluffnutter wrote: »

... TBH, gangs of school friends who still hang around together decades later seem to be the worst for it. There'll be a couple, possibly even just one woman, who's instigated this deliberate exclusion. The rest will have gone along with it for an easy life. Perhaps it's time to move on and find some adults to be mates with.

I think your perception is right. School friends are ripe for this, it does seem to be a pattern here.

And I think there is a rational reason. I have been amazed many times, meeting people whom I have not been in touch with for years or decades, how much I have been transported back to the times when we were in more frequent contact. It is no surprise to me that the attitudes of the playground will resurface in a way they never would with people you meet for the first time in adulthood.

fluffnutter

losingpatience wrote: »

I didn't suggest she should beg for an explanation, if it were one of my friends I wouldn't have a problem in being honest with them, saying that what they did was hurtful and ask why they had done it. What I meant was in confronting them about it, which they probably assumed she wouldn't, its maybe making them think about what they've actually done, and the way I see it she has nothing left to lose. Too many times in the past I sat back when people done things that hurt me and pretended that I wasn't upset by their actions when I was, and I realised the only reason I didn't say anything was because it would make the other person feel uncomfortable because I was actually bringing it up instead of brushing it under the carpet like they hoped I would.

They know what they've actually done. They've deliberately excluded her. What good will come of asking them why? Do you think they'll admit it? I doubt it; they'll wriggle and squirm and make excuses, poor poltergeist will be no nearer to any type of 'truth' and the whole sorry episode will drag on and on.

fluffnutter

DVardysShadow wrote: »

I think your perception is right. School friends are ripe for this, it does seem to be a pattern here.

And I think there is a rational reason. I have been amazed many times, meeting people whom I have not been in touch with for years or decades, how much I have been transported back to the times when we were in more frequent contact. It is no surprise to me that the attitudes of the playground will resurface in a way they never would with people you meet for the first time in adulthood.

So true. Basically you forge the pattern of your relationship in the early days and it's really hard to see people differently, or behave differently yourself. We fall into the same old roles we've always had.

Happens at work too. You might have clawed your way up the ladder but if you started as the office junior, chances are, people who've worked with you forever, still see you as that. Sometimes you have to find a new job to make sure you're taken seriously.

onlyroz

Sometimes in a large group of friends there are some within the group who are closer than others. It does not mean that the ones on the fringe are disliked, just that they are not quite as close.

For example, I was part of a large group at university, but I knew some within the group much better than others. Two of the group got married to each other, and I was invited to the evening wedding reception (but not to the wedding itself, or to the sit-down dinner). And so I turned up to the reception to find that many of my friends had been at the dinner to which I had not been invited. It stung for maybe 30 minutes, but then I got a grip and realised that while I was not in the "inner circle" I was still part of the group and liked well enough to be invited to the party.

Maybe this holiday is something similar? It's not that they dislike you, but you are more of a "fringe" member of the group?

runnerbean17

Agree with most of what has been written on here. I'm in a similar situation with a friend. (Met when adults - not childhood friends) Used to do loads together. Last year she got friendly with someone we both know and started doing things with her, never got invited out with them. Once I was sat down in McDonalds and they walked in together. They both said "Hi" when I asked if they wanted to join me they hurriedly said they were getting a takeout so couldn't. I've never asked why I'm not invited - I've always presumed if people want to spend time with you they will. Now I've let it go (well apart from on here :rotfl:) I'm nice and pleasant to both of them but I'm getting on with my own life and wish them the best in theirs. Nowt as queer as folk and it can drive you nuts trying to work people out. I'll admit sometimes I do feel lonely but I don't really want to be with people who don't want me there. Move on OP - life will anyway x

Carl31

Apparently, at any one time, you can count your true friends on one hand
As i have gotten older, thats become more and more apparent