No idea how I got here but need to get out of this place!

missrlr

Ok he is basically a nice bloke, but on occasion (usually when stressed about money) he can be totally thoughtless and insensitive. He has Reason for being stressed currently but equally it is not nice for me.

I also have some stress related coping issues which seem to currently manifest themselves as feeling like I am an imposter at work and someone will find it out and I will be in deep poo then my world will collapse and then no one will like me and I will end up being a sad lonely broke old bird in a hovel that all the local kids pick on and torment probably coz she's witch! Nightmares, replaying scenes in my head (and out loud I have caught myself a few times doing that too), total inability to look at. Normal stuff without seeing sad side possibilities and crying as I can't stop it. Despite the fact this may not be the actual outcome at all.

We both have the same effect of snapping and snarling at each other sarcasm can be the mote du jour I am afraid when either one of us are unhappy, tired, stressed. I am not an innocent or blameless soul in this. I do need to think and not use sarcasm and so does he. We both acknowledge this.

This whole dark abyss doesn't happen often, but when it does it takes some getting over. And I feel like poo still from the lurgy earlier this year. Or may be I just feel bleegh for different reason?

Work is so stressful, not only is there a frantic amount going on it is all up to me and I set my self up for failure as I simply do not fail or let people down ever. Also the what if I can't work or lose my job scenario at the moment is DIRE

So we had a chat, seems better. I think he has a good approch to this R matter. He is paying his own debts off, they are his and he does it. I help with stuff like cutting down bills, changing how to pay for things, cash back and so on. I am trying to effect a mindset cultural revolution.

However I still feel as if the weight if the world and all its woes are for me to deal with. I just want to hide under the bed until someone GROWN UP comes and says its all ok

I think at the moment what I would like is to be made to giggle and if I am being ridiculous tell me to get a grip and so it out. A pity party cannot be permitted, that way lies madness. Oh and if you have any coping technique for the madness of stress and communication DO LET ME KNOW

I am in two minds about this post, there is a lot of soul baring. If it disappears I am sure you all know why.

missrlr

It's amazing what company and a bottle of wine will accomplish ........

missrlr

Flipping heck even I read back those 2 posts and thought I was Barmy. be honest now (but gentle) how do I go forwards

*Robin*

Hello Missrlr, :hello:

missrlr wrote: »

Flipping heck even I read back those 2 posts and thought I was Barmy. be honest now (but gentle) how do I go forwards

I don't think you're barmy, not at all. Under a lot of stress, yes - but definitely of sound mind (if you weren't, you wouldn't be worrying about it - trust me on that ).
Only you can decide your best course of action. We can be useful as a sounding board, and maybe you'll gain insights from reading of your MSE friends' experiences. But only you will know how accurately we have understood your situation and whether to act on our comments.

missrlr wrote: »

I feel like poo still from the lurgy earlier this year. Or may be I just feel bleegh for different reason?

^^ This 'jumped out' at me; it's where I'd start. If your GP gave you antibiotics, did you also take anything to restore your gut flora afterwards? It doesn't matter how healthy your diet is if your body can't extract the elements it needs.
Hmm, a viral infection can linger on for a long time of course, and anaemia is common in women before menopause. Or perhaps you are about to succumb to the current lurgi which seems to be everywhere across Europe?
All those things will make you feel bleugh, less able to cope and lead on to feelings of inadequacy.
Not forgetting that alcohol is also a depressant, long-term.

It is stressful, working in a busy office - are you able to unwind through exercise, preferably in the open air?

missrlr wrote: »

However I still feel as if the weight if the world and all its woes are for me to deal with. I just want to hide under the bed until someone GROWN UP comes and says its all ok

Doesn't everyone feel like that sometimes? Don't think I lost those feelings of panic until the last of my grandparents and parents had passed on. Suddenly there was no-one standing between me and the stars; terrifying. Had to come to terms with the really important things in life..

The most valuable coping strategy I have learned is to take an hour out of each day in which to meditate; turn off the little voice in one's head that constantly runs through current hassles and possible disasters..
Just giving yourself a break from that cycle of thought is most efficacious.

Rxx

ani_26

missrlr wrote: »

Oh and if you have any coping technique for the madness of stress and communication DO LET ME KNOW

missrlr wrote: »

It's amazing what company and a bottle of wine will accomplish ........

Gardening and fresh air. Seriously.

bast

I think you are as sane as the rest of us and as Robyn rightly says if you were not you would not be worrying about it believe me I know this to be true.
Unfortunately in life we tend to take out our worries and pain on the ones we love the most. This does not excuse the way he has spoken to you. Just that there is always a reason for the way people behave and I think he is scared Sh1tless and you are getting the brunt of it. I know because I used to do this with o/h.. Now I sit down and instead of snapping talk about what is worrying me. Taken a long time to be able to do this.
As for the pity party been there, still go there don`t we all:rotfl:
like all of us you are only human give yourself a break.
As for stressed at work, unfortunately they probably think you can manage. This is what bosses do, is there someone you can talk to at work to help you out?? I have read your diary from the begining you come across as capable, clever and competent so no way are you a fraud at work. Your worries are due to stress and stress alone. Sounds to me they think you are so capable you are being off loaded with all the crap!!! Bosses always off load to the most capable, the ones they trust.
As for the lurgy .. I once had really bad flu and it left me low, depressed, fed up and sort of lifeless for about six weeks after... just no fight in me. I went to the dr`s and he said it is normal people do not understand about resting after a viral infection .. and that we live in such a demanding frenetic world that you are not allowed to take time off to recover. Hence you carry on and you feel carp. I really feel for you x

NewLeaf_2

missrlr wrote: »

I also have some stress related coping issues which seem to currently manifest themselves as feeling like I am an imposter at work and someone will find it out and I will be in deep poo then my world will collapse and then no one will like me and I will end up being a sad lonely broke old bird in a hovel that all the local kids pick on and torment probably coz she's witch! Nightmares, replaying scenes in my head (and out loud I have caught myself a few times doing that too), total inability to look at. Normal stuff without seeing sad side possibilities and crying as I can't stop it. Despite the fact this may not be the actual outcome at all.

Work is so stressful, not only is there a frantic amount going on it is all up to me and I set my self up for failure as I simply do not fail or let people down ever. Also the what if I can't work or lose my job scenario at the moment is DIRE.



I always feel like a fraud at work, wondering why everyone thinks I am so great. we both need to sort out our self-esteem issues and quick.

The work ethic you describe above is similar to mine. However it isn't a work ethic at all says my therapist, it is people pleasing behaviour and basically, you just keep letting more and more work heaped on you because you cant say you don't have the bandwidth and pretty soon you are at breaking point. I think you may be younger than I, so I implore you to get a hold of this now before it is too late and you end up like me, working 12 hours a day with no way off the mill for a good few years.

Neither your OH or my OH is helping with the self estee issue.

My OH never yells or emotes just mainly treats me like a piece of furniture.

sending love and hugs

missrlr

Wow, thank you all for your kind words. I am not mad, just stressed - hum not sure if that is a good or bad thing.

So to answer a few points raised:

I didn't get antib's but I think this is viral, anaemia is not a worry had that test. I have pretty much stopped drinking, although I had a bottle of wine last night with a friend but that is unusual. Actually although I had a bit of a thick head this morning I literally went to bed lighter (emotionally) and I didn't even cry

I used to get my sorry backside to the gym every day but that stopped when I got the lurgy and I haven't really got back into the swing of it yet. I did try but I found it very tiring and so I have pretty much stopped must get back into that routine so will try again this week.

I used to garden a lot, I loved my garden but the current house has not got a nice garden area at all and it is sooooooooo small as to be practically pointless. The blinking grass I carefully scarified, forked, reseeded and generally cultivated has been replaced by moss and bare earth over winter (how very dare it). It's a mess and no colour and no where to plant stuff really - must try harder on that score, I am sure I can make an improvement to it. Perhaps this weekend (when we have sorted out the rented place tap - yep more expense!) I can make a start - go and get some spring colour into the place. Even getting out for a Doglet walk is becoming more difficult as Doglet doesn't want to walk! So fresh air is probably lacking in my life then huh?

Work I have to say is a BIG problem. I have tried the "stop swamping me" comments and I know one boss has taken this on board as he looked at me and said "erm perhaps not then" when ANOTHER project loomed on the horizon destined for my inbox (thank goodness). I just am in a position where I have to get the particular project sorted and then there are others which I had thought I would be able to crack on with when this is over, but these have been brought forwards. As far as getting help I think I will be in a stronger position when the results are in and the workload is more defined rather than "get this accreditation" which it currently is.

I just look at my working life and all I can see is this for the next 30 years. I had such a great plan too - I was going to over pay my mortgage, sort that out and have a reasonable pension so at max 55 I could retire to somewhere like France and not have to work but just chill and enjoy. I had a fantastic garden I had all planned out and I was really enjoying the place I lived in.

Mostly for reasons I have not really had a lot of control over I am now in a position of having to work a lot longer, for a lot less and the house will (seemingly) never be paid off.

As I type this the auditor is cracking through the work and is making some noises, I guess I will have to wait until the end of the day for the final report. Who knows perhaps someone will say something nice about me.

I do need to have a think and consider how I can make life work a little more effectively for me rather than bulldoze me I think.

Thank you all again for your kindness in reading the drivel I have posted and to respond to me in such kindness. I am going to have a think and then see if I can come up with a plan.

Lovely lodger will be with us for this week and has paid up (I thank you!) so that is food money for a week and a bit sorted. Phew

missrlr

*Robin* wrote: »

turn off the little voice in one's head that constantly runs through current hassles and possible disasters..
Rxx

:j thanks for the response, how do you stop the voices, every time I try to shush them they get louder - I thought about chanting perhaps the focus on the words would be better than the random gabbling of the maniacal gibberish ranting in my brain

missrlr

OK I am going to write this down here as I can then come back and read it - just been told by an auditor that are "amazed to see the good job you have made of QM and OM combined given how much is involved in each role in this industry".

Would appear I may be able to do my job. Now do you reckon I can use this to get another salary paid to me as I am doing 2 roles in 1?