Can't bare to have toddler son sleep on his own in his bedroom

dejoxy

Dear happysad, please carry on doing what works for you. I'm due to have a baby in two weeks time. My dd who turned 3 in December still sleeps in our room (in a cot next to the bed). I breastfed her exclusively till she was one, and it was just more convenient to roll over and feed her without having to go into another room. It also meant my hubby was relatively undisturbed through the nights, he works, I'm a stay at home mum. We live in a house, not in just one room, so there are lots of other rooms for us to get busy in when we want without the chance that she'll be able to see us if she wakes up. Hubby is in the process of decorating her bedroom, and she is very excited about it. I know adjusting to sleeping by herself might be a bit hard initially, but it'll work out eventually as we are both committed to being very patient and tolerant throughout the process. Oh, and her grandma is staying with us at the moment, both to help with the baby on arrival, and to help in ladling out extra love and attention on dd so she doesn't feel left out in any way. I really don't see us sleeping alone in our room for the next few years anyway, as the baby will be in with us for as long as it takes. My dd has no attachment issues, is quite happy going off to nursery etc, it works for us. Each to his own, the world would be pretty boring if we all functioned in the same way.

HappySad

CFC wrote:

conradmum wrote:

There's a fairly comprehensive article on cosleeping which states:

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Long-term Benefits[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Higher self-esteem. Boys who coslept with their parents between birth and five years of age had significantly higher self-esteem and experienced less guilt and anxiety. For women, co-sleeping during childhood was associated with less discomfort about physical contact and affection as adults (Lewis & Janda, 1988). Co-sleeping appears to promote confidence, self-esteem, and intimacy, possibly by reflecting an attitude of parental acceptance (Crawford, 1994).[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]More positive behavior.In a study of parents on military bases, co-sleeping children received higher evaluations from their teachers than did solitary sleeping children (Forbes et al., 1992). A recent study in England showed that among the children who "never" slept in their parents bed, there was a trend to be harder to control, less happy, exhibit a greater number of tantrums, and these children were actually more fearful than children who always slept in their parents’ bed, all night (Heron, 1994).[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Increased life satisfaction. A large, cross-cultural study conducted on five different ethnic groups in large U.S. cities found that, across all groups, co-sleepers exhibited a general feeling of satisfaction with life (Mosenkis, 1998).[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]http://www.attachmentparenting.org/artbenefitscosleep.shtml[/FONT][/quote

If you go read the sources you'll see it was not statistically significant.

Are you an attachment parent. Are you one of the number of attachment parents still breastfeeding your child at the age of ten, or intending to do so? And no, I think attachment parenting is far from healthy and normal.


To respond to your comments -

<<It seems to me that the real reason you want to keep your child in your room is your own projection of loneliness - you feel that your son would be 'lonely' in his room.

Don't you think that's just a tad presumptious of you? You know next to nothing about this family.>>

Nope, I don't think it's presumptious. Read what the OP wrote:

<<
Son now 3 and baby on the way. I cannot bare to think of son having to move into his bedroom to sleep there on his own. I know all about those SuperNanny and TinyTearAway programs all working hard with parents to get their child to sleep on their own in their bedroom.. I just don't want him to.

I personally don't like sleeping on my own and I love sleeping in a room with Dh & son. When I was single I did not like sleeping on my own and teddy would then serve the job of pretending to be a person.>>

That is called 'projection' in counselling terms, the external projection onto others of own internal wishes.

He's 3 - that's not a baby - and if you keep him in your room till he's 5, then that is rather strange.
No, you think it's strange. For many families - families in the UK - it isn't remotely strange.

Yes it is strange. Full stop. Same as breastfeeding your child until they are ten, as parental attachment proponents are happy to do, is strange, no matter what you call it.

Not only that, but you may not be able to get him out then - he will have become used to it. So at the age of 9, perhaps, the eldest will still be sleeping with you. And your new baby too, who will be 7 by then.Then all the teasing will start and his self confidence may go down the pan.

Who's to say he won't choose to sleep in his own room of his own accord? Many children do you know. And who'll be teasing him exactly? Children of narrow minded parents perhaps?

Note the 'may not be able to get him out'. Never said he 'would not'. Who'll be teasing him? Children. Doesn't matter whether their parents are narrow minded or not, it won't be the parents teasing him, it'll be the kids. Join the real world. Kids tease kids who are different for any reason.

The best medical advice on children in bedrooms if for babies up to 6 months to sleep in a cot in the parental bedroom. There's certainly no medical evidence saying that after that, there is any benefit medically at all.

And there's no evidence to say there's any detriment either. What's your point here?

Another poster suggested it may be healthier. It's not unhealthy to sleep apart from your child. It's called 'reassurance' that nothing dreadful will happen to the child if he sleeps alone.

It may be normal in other cultures to keep children in a parental bedroom until an indeterminate age. Who knows, maybe it's the form of birth control, in this country it certainly had it's roots in poverty - the whole family living and sleeping together, and not always apart from the animals, either - snuggling up to cows, anyone?

This is deeply offensive. Please keep your prejudices to yourself. There are plenty of nasty things that could be said about parents who think it's okay to put a tiny baby in a room alone to sleep when all it's known is the warmth and security of its mother's womb. Would you call Sweden a poor country that needs the benefit of birth control? Because it's normal to share rooms with your children there too.

What a load of emotive rubbish here. I've posted nothing offensive at all. People used to sleep with their animals in the middle ages. Read some history. It helps keep the humans warm. And how strange, my husband is Swedish and so are all my inlaws (naturally) and they've never ever heard it's normal to sleep with your kids in the parent's bedroom past babyhood, and don't know anyone who does it. In fact, what IS normal in Sweden is for children to sleep upstairs and the adults to have a ground floor bedroom. So heaven knows where you got that supposed 'fact' from. So your fact is just a 'prejudice' about Sweden - please keep your prejudices to yourslf. How dare you accuse all Swedish people of strange practices!

However, whether it is normal in Guatemala (maybe birth control for a Catholic country) or whether it is normal in Japan (a totally different society, where people grow up with a different outlook) it's not normal here. And here is where we live.

Err, yes it is normal here. People just don't tend to talk about it. Wonder why?:rolleyes:

No it isn't normal here, any more than breastfeeding your children when they are school age is normal, however much you wish it was. I agree, if you are an attachment parent, you probably do know a few others who also do not-normal things, but it still doesn't make it normal. Or healthy.

Yes, of course it's sad when they go into their own rooms - and it's still sad for a mother sometimes even when they want to. Children growing up is often sad for mums. But you've still got to let them go, little by little, for their own good.

Yes, the good old British way. It's good to deprive your children of comfort and togetherness. That's what's given us the wonderfully functioning society we have today.

Sorry, I disagree with you yet again. Quelle suprise. The fact that society is falling apart is because of a lot of reasons, mostly political and the consequences thereof, none of which are that children sleep in their own room. Smell the coffee.

Even if you say, ah, well I'll say that at 5 he HAS to go and sleep with his sister or brother - well he's not going to like sleeping with the baby in a shared room when he thinks he's a Big Boy now he's 5...

Huh? Plenty of children share rooms into their teens!

Some have to, when parents can't afford to give each one a room of their own. But older children rarely like sharing a room with a younger child, if there is the option not to do so.

We'll have to agree to disagree. However I do personally feel you're pushing a very specialised viewpoint (attachment parenting) and pretending it's 'normal and average' and 'everyone does it'. Except when it suits you to argue that what IS actually normal and average is the cause of a breakdown in society, in which case you change your argument to 'if everyone did something not normal and average, our society would be better'.

We'll have to agree to disagree.

PS - to other posters, I think kids wandering into your room or bed in the middle of the night when they feel like it is normal and healthy, if they've started the night in their own bedroom. Providing you still manage to get your kip!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/5197440.stm

Can't answer all your point but here goes. Yes I do love having my son in my bedroom during the night & morning. In the same way I love picking my son up kissing him and swishing him around the room. I have company in my own room with DH and I would miss having my son in my bedroom .. But I had this child to grow up into a confident happy independant child who will eventually leave home etc. So at some point he will move into his own room. I am in no hurry to speed this up and will work at the pace with my son as I have done with all his development.

I have read and been on courses regarding attachments and from what I have learnt is that you need to follow your child direction. I work forward slowly and respond to his needs (like we all don't already do this). Son started nursery before most of my friends as as before is happy to go off to nursery from an early age... When he & I am ready he will move into his own bedroom.. if he want to move in before new baby is moving with him then that is fine.

From what I have learnt the more you "attach" yourself to your child the more independant/self confident they become. You are offering a constant support network of your attachment to your child and them knowing that you are there means that they know they can go off with the knowledge that if it all goes wrong they can run back to you. Child of Our Time, That Dolby guy (research in attachment theory) plus a few other books I have read all say the same thing.

So far it has worked for me ...

Also on the teasing area. I am not spending my life trying to second guess what school children are going to tease my child about. You cannot please everyone and you certainly can't please all the teasers. I know of children who were cleaver who were teased because of it. Others who were also cleaner but more self confident were not teased. Very short girl was not teased because she was not bothered by the teasers. If children see you as weak and not self confident then they will find something to tease you about.

HappySad

If I was able to breast feed then I would have liked to go for at least 2years as recommended by the World Health Org.. many countries in the world do this until child is 5 and we in the UK have the lovest rate and youngest age that we breast feed until.

I have a friend and her child naturally stopped breast feeding just before he was 3.

I would have before only do it for under a year but after watching a program about this and them saying that it is recommed that world wide that it is done to at least 2 then I have encouraged my breast feeding mothers to continue on if they choose to.

with sleeping in your bed/ bedroom/out of bedroom. It is alway what is best fot the child and parent but together. The needs of both is most important. Some parents don't want their child in their bed/bedroom then that is OK for them and it would be wrong for them to have their child in with them.

Money_Maker_Shaker

You sound like an excellent Mum HappySad. You are thinking through what you do, asking others opinions when you want to get different views and trying so hard to do the best thing for your son. So many kids would be lucky to have a Mum like you.

Remember there is never one clear answer when raising kids, but you sound like you know how to make the best decisions for YOUR child. Have confidence in your own decisions.

Enjoy raising him he sounds adorable.

Best wishes

MMS

HappySad

Money_Maker_Shaker wrote:

You sound like an excellent Mum HappySad. You are thinking through what you do, asking others opinions when you want to get different views and trying so hard to do the best thing for your son. So many kids would be lucky to have a Mum like you.

Remember there is never one clear answer when raising kids, but you sound like you know how to make the best decisions for YOUR child. Have confidence in your own decisions.

Enjoy raising him he sounds adorable.

Best wishes

MMS

Your words are so nice and encouraging.

1_step_closer

I would begin by saying I am not a mum. But I am a step mum and there are several sides to this:

SD slept with her mum until at least 7. This caused issues later as she was a nightmare to get to sleep when she stayed with us. Her half sister did the same. (Still does I think). We used to have her to stay as well but I put my foot down as we had the screaming tantrums about half sister sleeping on her own.

My youngest god daughter slept with her mum until about 7 I think - due to the fact that dad walked out when she was 2 and she had/has many insecurity issues.

I have no idea what age I had my own room but I do remember being in my own room at about 3. I hated sleeping in my parents room. I like my own space.

I also have 3 dogs and when I get a chance (not often) I like cuddling up with all 3 of them. They are warm, snuggly, very loving and look so peaceful it puts a smile on your face.

I have spent quite a while trawling through these posts looking for the end and to the originl poster - do what works for you. We are all different. Ignore the hissy fits that have been going on here. (Any other forum would have locked this thread by now).

I hope it works out for you! and if anyone is tempted to reply on a non-friendly way to me, I won't be reading any more of this particular post. As far as I can see, the query was about SLEEPING nothing else.

rainbowrisin

Do what you feel to be best for you and your littlies. If it works for you as a family then go for it.

I honestly don't think there's a "right" way of sleeping, aside from health and safety considerations.

I would also say don't take it to heart if people don't agree with how you parent - obviously if you post on here about an issue then people with a range of views will respond - I find it's always useful to look at what other people think - even if you don't agree with them, at least you know you don't agree so feel more confident you're doing the right thing for your family in your situation.

For what it's worth, I didn't have any proposed "method" for where my littlies would sleep. I just let them sort it out. My DD (3 v.soon) decided she wanted her own bed in her own room a while back, graduating from her cot. She's had her own room for a while, but it joins onto mine, so not really separate.
My son sleeps in his cot in my room, and comes in with me if he wants to (maybe a couple of times a week). They both sleep really well, so it works for us.

The very best of luck with the impending new arrival..and given the amount of noise my littlies generated when they were newly hatched (and still do, come to that), hope that all of you manage to get some sleep somehow or another, wherever suits you all the best;)

bunty109

HappySad, you have to do what is best for you.

Mind you, one night sleeping with my 9 year old DD might make you crave a room to yourself. It's like having a fight with Bruce Lee for bed space, duvet etc!!!!

wigglywoozle

Read 'Three in a Bed' by Deborah Jackson. It's a fantastic book . There is even a very interesting chapter on sex and co-sleeping in the book.

Do what works for you and your family. And yes, there are lots of families who are co-sleeping just like yours. It isn't strange or wrong, it just isn't the 'norm' in the Western culture.

Kate x

Alleycat

Oh that book is really fab! It just makes so much sense.

Happysad, you do what feels right for you and your family. I have to admit I do find it really sad when babies are put in their own rooms when tiny. Dd slept in our bed until she was 7 months old, then drifted into a cot by our bed with the side off, then eventually into her own room. It just felt like it was supposed to be that way. I know I definately got more sleep than I would have if she were in her own room.