Can't bare to have toddler son sleep on his own in his bedroom

conradmum

Justie wrote:

i think you'll find that sleep studies generally recommend solo sleeping even for adults in terms of sleep quality as it reduces the amount of micro-wakings. Whether the social aspects outweigh this is a different issue but if anyone could cure my DH's snoring I'd be more than grateful

Could you post links to these recommendations please?
I think it's down to personal preference. The OP isn't complaining of poor sleep quality, so why should she change her habits, if not for social pressure from people who are blind to their own cultural bias?
I hate to sleep alone and don't see why I should force my children to do so if they don't want to either.

conradmum

Justie wrote:

i think you'll find that sleep studies generally recommend solo sleeping even for adults in terms of sleep quality as it reduces the amount of micro-wakings. Whether the social aspects outweigh this is a different issue but if anyone could cure my DH's snoring I'd be more than grateful

Could you post links to these recommendations please?
I think it's down to personal preference. The OP isn't complaining of poor sleep quality, so why should she change her habits, if not for social pressure from people who are blind to their own cultural bias?
I hate to sleep alone and don't see why I should force my children to do so if they don't want to either.

Carmina_Piranha_3

i can't provide references but the NCT magazine sometime last year mentioned co-sleeping and that in cultures where's it's the norm the infant death rates are much lower than ours. not sure if that just applied to all sleeping in the same bed though.

my house isn't big enough for a bed in my room, or even a cot. we had a moses basket for roo until he started to try to sit up at almost 6 months (yes i know that's late to start moving about). both of mine were in my bed whenever they wanted it - and the eldest went into his own room just before he turned 3 but kept coming into our bed at around 3am until he was nearly 5. the youngest stopped wanting our bed before he was a year old but he still comes in if he's ill. there's just not enough room. ten year old slept on our floor last week for a night when he couldn't stop being sick - he just wanted some company.

my personal feeling is to let the child decide when they want to go into their own room. i doubt that many would still want to be in the parents room once they start school. i think that giving comfort whenever needed makes children more secure and independent.

and i know this sounds soppy but roo's poorly at the moment and last night he fell asleep with me in my bed while i sang to him. he stroked my arm with one hand and held my hand with the other. it felt really lovely to have his chubby little paw curled in mine and to stroke his soft curly head. it doesn't happen often but when it does it's nice

plumpmouse

I wouldn't want it. My ds was in his own room for being tiny as he slept through at 5 weeks old (went very wrong later on though) and we disturbed each other. I really didn't see the need to share a room with him. He is happy and loved during the day, we have a lovely bedtime routine and he is happy at three with this.

On the odd times due to illness that he sleep in bed with me I get no sleep as he wriggles so much, not sure how disturbing each other all night long would improve our relationship, but that is just my opinion.

Out of interest what time do you all go to bed, my ds is in bed at 7.00pm every night and we go around 10pm. Does he settle himself or do you all go to bed at the same time?

Spendless

HappySad wrote:

Will wait until new baby is 2years old then older and younger child can then go together into their own bedroom. So they will have company in the night.

What if new baby is a girl? Even if they share when young, you'll be splitting them into their own rooms when older, and then won't your son have had years and years of not sleeping on his own? You've mentioned that all sleeping together is the norm for your family, so I'm guessing how you grew up. Do you think this is related to you not liking to sleep alone at all

CFC

It seems to me that the real reason you want to keep your child in your room is your own projection of loneliness - you feel that your son would be 'lonely' in his room. He's 3 - that's not a baby - and if you keep him in your room till he's 5, then that is rather strange. Not only that, but you may not be able to get him out then - he will have become used to it. So at the age of 9, perhaps, the eldest will still be sleeping with you. And your new baby too, who will be 7 by then.Then all the teasing will start and his self confidence may go down the pan.

The best medical advice on children in bedrooms if for babies up to 6 months to sleep in a cot in the parental bedroom. There's certainly no medical evidence saying that after that, there is any benefit medically at all.

It may be normal in other cultures to keep children in a parental bedroom until an indeterminate age. Who knows, maybe it's the form of birth control, in this country it certainly had it's roots in poverty - the whole family living and sleeping together, and not always apart from the animals, either - snuggling up to cows, anyone? However, whether it is normal in Guatemala (maybe birth control for a Catholic country) or whether it is normal in Japan (a totally different society, where people grow up with a different outlook) it's not normal here. And here is where we live.

Yes, of course it's sad when they go into their own rooms - and it's still sad for a mother sometimes even when they want to. Children growing up is often sad for mums. But you've still got to let them go, little by little, for their own good.

Even if you say, ah, well I'll say that at 5 he HAS to go and sleep with his sister or brother - well he's not going to like sleeping with the baby in a shared room when he thinks he's a Big Boy now he's 5...

Carmina_Piranha_3

CFC wrote:

it's not normal here. And here is where we live.

lots of parents do things that aren't 'normal' here though. if we all just followed the herd - putting baby in childcare, bottle-feeding, 2.2 (or whatever it is now) children etc. a lot of mums wouldn't feel satisfied that they were doing their best for their family. i could mention many things i do that aren't 'normal' compared to other families.

but ... is there a room he could sleep in if he chooses to? i would give him the option, make sure there is a room for him that's not used as a junk room, that's decorated for a boy and will be his room when he's older. then if he says he wants to sleep in his own room he can. he'll realise that everyone else has their own room when he's at nursery or school and might want to try copying his friends.

[Deleted User]

Transitions are always hard. With a baby on the way, I wouldn't want my toddler's sleep to get disturbed, so I think I would move him into his own room.

conradmum

CFC wrote:

It seems to me that the real reason you want to keep your child in your room is your own projection of loneliness - you feel that your son would be 'lonely' in his room.

Don't you think that's just a tad presumptious of you? You know next to nothing about this family.


He's 3 - that's not a baby - and if you keep him in your room till he's 5, then that is rather strange.
No, you think it's strange. For many families - families in the UK - it isn't remotely strange.

Not only that, but you may not be able to get him out then - he will have become used to it. So at the age of 9, perhaps, the eldest will still be sleeping with you. And your new baby too, who will be 7 by then.Then all the teasing will start and his self confidence may go down the pan.

Who's to say he won't choose to sleep in his own room of his own accord? Many children do you know. And who'll be teasing him exactly? Children of narrow minded parents perhaps?

The best medical advice on children in bedrooms if for babies up to 6 months to sleep in a cot in the parental bedroom. There's certainly no medical evidence saying that after that, there is any benefit medically at all.

And there's no evidence to say there's any detriment either. What's your point here?

It may be normal in other cultures to keep children in a parental bedroom until an indeterminate age. Who knows, maybe it's the form of birth control, in this country it certainly had it's roots in poverty - the whole family living and sleeping together, and not always apart from the animals, either - snuggling up to cows, anyone?

This is deeply offensive. Please keep your prejudices to yourself. There are plenty of nasty things that could be said about parents who think it's okay to put a tiny baby in a room alone to sleep when all it's known is the warmth and security of its mother's womb. Would you call Sweden a poor country that needs the benefit of birth control? Because it's normal to share rooms with your children there too.

However, whether it is normal in Guatemala (maybe birth control for a Catholic country) or whether it is normal in Japan (a totally different society, where people grow up with a different outlook) it's not normal here. And here is where we live.

Err, yes it is normal here. People just don't tend to talk about it. Wonder why?:rolleyes:

Yes, of course it's sad when they go into their own rooms - and it's still sad for a mother sometimes even when they want to. Children growing up is often sad for mums. But you've still got to let them go, little by little, for their own good.

Yes, the good old British way. It's good to deprive your children of comfort and togetherness. That's what's given us the wonderfully functioning society we have today.

Even if you say, ah, well I'll say that at 5 he HAS to go and sleep with his sister or brother - well he's not going to like sleeping with the baby in a shared room when he thinks he's a Big Boy now he's 5...

Huh? Plenty of children share rooms into their teens!

There's a fairly comprehensive article on cosleeping which states:

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Long-term Benefits[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Higher self-esteem. Boys who coslept with their parents between birth and five years of age had significantly higher self-esteem and experienced less guilt and anxiety. For women, co-sleeping during childhood was associated with less discomfort about physical contact and affection as adults (Lewis & Janda, 1988). Co-sleeping appears to promote confidence, self-esteem, and intimacy, possibly by reflecting an attitude of parental acceptance (Crawford, 1994).[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]More positive behavior.In a study of parents on military bases, co-sleeping children received higher evaluations from their teachers than did solitary sleeping children (Forbes et al., 1992). A recent study in England showed that among the children who "never" slept in their parents bed, there was a trend to be harder to control, less happy, exhibit a greater number of tantrums, and these children were actually more fearful than children who always slept in their parents’ bed, all night (Heron, 1994).[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Increased life satisfaction. A large, cross-cultural study conducted on five different ethnic groups in large U.S. cities found that, across all groups, co-sleepers exhibited a general feeling of satisfaction with life (Mosenkis, 1998).[/FONT]


[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]http://www.attachmentparenting.org/artbenefitscosleep.shtml[/FONT]

AnnieH

How is it you're expecting again if your DS sleeps in the same room as you?:rotfl:


Edit: sorry just read that back and it sounds like I'm mocking you - I certainly am not:) Each to their own, and whatever works for you. My OH put our baby in his own room much too early IMO, and I would have liked him to be in with us for a while longer, but that doesn't stop him wandering into our bed in the middle of the night. I don't mind that though