Can't bare to have toddler son sleep on his own in his bedroom

Rachie_B

ziffius wrote:

If the son will be happy with it, then it seems fine to me. Would have thought it would upset your Son to be moved into his own room, and then be replaced in your room by his sibling. Personally I find it a little 'cold' to put a baby in it's own room.

But this child in Q is 3 yrs old not a "baby"

I agree with the others who have said what happens if you decide to have more babies after this second one ?! etc etc

Also agree with jamgirl as I said in an earlier reply RE : doing it for you

Justie

I'd say there's nothing wrong with letting your child sleep in the same room as you but I am concerned about your reasons for wanting to do it. If it's more practical, fine. If he sleeps better, fine. But if it's your fears of loneliness then you may end up with a self-fulfilling prophesy. Your child is his own person and while he will take cues from you as to what in life is safe and good I'd say let him create his own neuroses rather than passing on your own. There will be a lot of changes with having a new baby around and for your eldest how you handle the introductions could make a big difference. If he feels he's being banished from the parental bedroom because of the new baby then that could cause problems. He may also find that it's just too disturbing to have a small baby in the room when he's sleeping. My advice would be to move him into his own room well before the baby arrives - a big boy treat! But I would also take a bit of time to work out how you feel about it and how you're going to handle it so that you don't cause yourself or him lots of worry because you feel guilty or worried about him being on his own. You may find a baby monitor eases your worries a little but I suspect your son will find it's not a big deal.

Good luck either way, there's no right or wrong here it just may make your life easier in the long run if you deal with issues like this now.

HappySad

conradmum wrote:

Wow I can't believe all the negative replies you've had on this thread. You're quite right in that it's us British who are the 'weird' ones in forcing our children to sleep apart from us from an extremely early age. There's an obsession in this country stemming from Victorian times, that even the tiniest babies have to learn to be by themselves and 'independent'. Crying for your mum is thought to be 'clingy', despite all the evidence that shows that babies deprived of maternal comfort grow up with a lack of feeling for others. And then we wonder why our teenagers are the worst behaved in Europe!
My 3 year old son sleeps with me. He loves it and I love it. He's extremely independent and not remotely clingy. He goes to nursery full time and runs off without a backward glance when I drop him off. He'll continue to sleep with me until he chooses to sleep by himself. He already occasionally spends the whole night in his bed and tbh I'll be a bit sad when he no longer wraps his arms around my neck in his sleep.
The idea that forcing young children to be alone is going to make them independent is madness. We're social animals. Social animals do everything together, including sleep.

Yes I do agree with what you have been saying. I have found that parents from other countries tend to keep their children in with them longer. I also have remembered seeing many history programs and studying history and found that we all used to sleep in the same bedroom.

Because of my dedication for my mental illness I never had my son in bed with us as I would definately roll over him without knowing. I would have loved for our son to sleep in our bed but this was not possible. But he does sleep in our room in his own cot. Why is it OK for us adults to sleep with company when some see it not OK for our children? Why don't I sleep in my own bedroom while Dh sleep in another room.. if independant sleep is so good for you? After all we are all asleep and should be OK to sleep on our own.

I personally feel that this social sleeping of going to sleep and waking up together (even though he is not in our bed) add to his emotional well being. Why should we adults gain the benefits of social sleeping with others when our children cannot.

There is room for all 4 of us and we are prioriting space room for us all within the bedroom. Privacy issue is not a problem...3 bedroom house there is always somewhere to be on your own.

Son has been trained (from advice from Health visitors and midwifes) from birth to sleep though any noise going. We can hover the house around him when he is sleeping so a crying baby will make no difference.

When son and other child are ready to move into their own room (on their own or both together) then I would be happy for them to do this but in the mean time we will all enjoy the company of each other at night....

HappySad

conradmum wrote:

Wow I can't believe all the negative replies you've had on this thread. You're quite right in that it's us British who are the 'weird' ones in forcing our children to sleep apart from us from an extremely early age. There's an obsession in this country stemming from Victorian times, that even the tiniest babies have to learn to be by themselves and 'independent'. Crying for your mum is thought to be 'clingy', despite all the evidence that shows that babies deprived of maternal comfort grow up with a lack of feeling for others. And then we wonder why our teenagers are the worst behaved in Europe!
My 3 year old son sleeps with me. He loves it and I love it. He's extremely independent and not remotely clingy. He goes to nursery full time and runs off without a backward glance when I drop him off. He'll continue to sleep with me until he chooses to sleep by himself. He already occasionally spends the whole night in his bed and tbh I'll be a bit sad when he no longer wraps his arms around my neck in his sleep.
The idea that forcing young children to be alone is going to make them independent is madness. We're social animals. Social animals do everything together, including sleep.

Yes I do agree with what you have been saying. I have found that parents from other countries tend to keep their children in with them longer. I also have remembered seeing many history programs and studying history and found that we all used to sleep in the same bedroom.

Because of my dedication for my mental illness I never had my son in bed with us as I would definately roll over him without knowing. I would have loved for our son to sleep in our bed but this was not possible. But he does sleep in our room in his own cot. Why is it OK for us adults to sleep with company when some see it not OK for our children? Why don't I sleep in my own bedroom while Dh sleep in another room.. if independant sleep is so good for you? After all we are all asleep and should be OK to sleep on our own.

I personally feel that this social sleeping of going to sleep and waking up together (even though he is not in our bed) add to his emotional well being. Why should we adults gain the benefits of social sleeping with others when our children cannot.

There is room for all 4 of us and we are prioriting space room for us all within the bedroom. Privacy issue is not a problem...3 bedroom house there is always somewhere to be on your own.

Son has been trained (from advice from Health visitors and midwifes) from birth to sleep though any noise going. We can hover the house around him when he is sleeping so a crying baby will make no difference.

When son and other child are ready to move into their own room (on their own or both together) then I would be happy for them to do this but in the mean time we will all enjoy the company of each other at night....

conradmum

It's a myth that children benefit from sleeping in a separate room. Different cultures have different attitudes to this. Read this for example:

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Indeed, according to Brazleton (22) "...the Japanese think the US culture rather merciless in pushing small children toward such independence at night". Kawakami's (23, cited in 24) describes American and Japanese differences this way: "An American mother -infant relationship consists of two individuals...On the other hand, a Japanese mother infant relationship consists only one individual i.e. mother and infants are not divided." Japanese infants and children usually sleep adjacent to their mothers on futons with space availability playing a minor role in this arrangement, and in general children sleep with someone (fathers or extended family members) through the age of 15 (24,25).

Similar to the Japanese, Mayan mothers from Guatemala do not believe in separate sleeping quarters for infants, children and parents. In fact, sleeping alone is considered so difficult for adult Guatemalans that in the absence of family members it is not uncommon for adults to seek out friends with whom they can share sleep (24). Upon hearing that American babies are made to sleep alone Mayan women respond with "shock, disapproval and pity" and think of the practice as "tantamount to child neglect" (24).

[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/culturalarticle.html

There have been studies done on whether children grow up differently due to cosleeping with their parents. The findings are that it isn't detrimental:
[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]ABSTRACT. We report results of the first longitudinal study of outcome correlates of parent-child bedsharing. [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Two hundred five families in nonconventional and conventional family lifestyles have been followed since [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]1975. A target child in each family was followed from the third trimester of mother’s pregnancy through age 18 [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]years. Bedsharing in early childhood was found to be significantly associated with increased cognitive [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]competence measured at age 6 years, but the effect size was small. At age 6 years, bedsharing in infancy [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]and early childhood was not associated with sleep problems, sexual pathology, or any other problematic [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]consequences. At age 18 years, bedsharing in infancy and childhood was unrelated to pathology or [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]problematic consequences, nor was it related to beneficial consequences. We discuss these results in light of [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]widespread fears of harm caused by parent-child bedsharing. We suggest that such fears are without warrant [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]if bedsharing is practiced safely as part of a complex of valued and related family practices.

[/FONT][SIZE=-1]cultureandhealth.ucla.edu/tweisner/pdf_files/Okami_Weisner_2002_Bed.pdf

There is a lot of research on this if anyone's interested in finding out the facts rather than relying on anecdotal evidence and cultural prejudices. Please continue to do what's right for you and your family. Your child will not grow up any more clingy, weird or dependent.
[/SIZE]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]

HappySad

conradmum wrote:

Wow I can't believe all the negative replies you've had on this thread. You're quite right in that it's us British who are the 'weird' ones in forcing our children to sleep apart from us from an extremely early age. There's an obsession in this country stemming from Victorian times, that even the tiniest babies have to learn to be by themselves and 'independent'. Crying for your mum is thought to be 'clingy', despite all the evidence that shows that babies deprived of maternal comfort grow up with a lack of feeling for others. And then we wonder why our teenagers are the worst behaved in Europe!
My 3 year old son sleeps with me. He loves it and I love it. He's extremely independent and not remotely clingy. He goes to nursery full time and runs off without a backward glance when I drop him off. He'll continue to sleep with me until he chooses to sleep by himself. He already occasionally spends the whole night in his bed and tbh I'll be a bit sad when he no longer wraps his arms around my neck in his sleep.
The idea that forcing young children to be alone is going to make them independent is madness. We're social animals. Social animals do everything together, including sleep.

Yes I do agree with what you have been saying. I have found that parents from other countries tend to keep their children in with them longer. I also have remembered seeing many history programs and studying history and found that we all used to sleep in the same bedroom.

Because of my dedication for my mental illness I never had my son in bed with us as I would definately roll over him without knowing. I would have loved for our son to sleep in our bed but this was not possible. But he does sleep in our room in his own cot. Why is it OK for us adults to sleep with company when some see it not OK for our children? Why don't I sleep in my own bedroom while Dh sleep in another room.. if independant sleep is so good for you? After all we are all asleep and should be OK to sleep on our own.

I personally feel that this social sleeping of going to sleep and waking up together (even though he is not in our bed) add to his emotional well being. Why should we adults gain the benefits of social sleeping with others when our children cannot.

There is room for all 4 of us and we are prioriting space room for us all within the bedroom. Privacy issue is not a problem...3 bedroom house there is always somewhere to be on your own.

Son has been trained (from advice from Health visitors and midwifes) from birth to sleep though any noise going. We can hover the house around him when he is sleeping so a crying baby will make no difference.

When son and other child are ready to move into their own room (on their own or both together) then I would be happy for them to do this but in the mean time we will all enjoy the company of each other at night....

Rachie_B

Then if thats what you all want and it is going to work do it

But what I will say is if he sleeps through anything and it in a separate bed ,I still dont get the whole " company" thing

of course mummies and daddies / BF & GF sleep together thats a partnership ,something different to mother and son / daughter !

As he doesnt sleep in the same bed as you ,i dont see how HE benefits any more greatly than he would by eg being in the room next to yours ?

I wish you well for the new arrival

emma_b_4

i suppose its down to personal preference and at the end of the day ppl do what they choose with theor children.
personally, i think it sounds strange to have them in your room for so long and wouldnt want to. i am pregnant at the moment and plan to have a moses basket in our room for first few weeks then progress to cot in first few months. i feel me and hubby need our own space aswell as baby having a peaceful night in their room (eg us not disturbing them when coming to bed, having TV on etc)
i dont know if any family who keeps their child in the parents bedroom, in fact seems in conversation to be opposite; wanting them in their own rooms!!

(ps i see everyone else is having problems when posting and makig duplicate threads, my computer keeps doing this also ?????!!!!!)

astonsmummy

If thats what you want then theres nothing wrong, me personally - no way would my boy be sharing my room, it's like sleeping next to a 50 year old obese alcaholic! (the snoring and noises) I'd get no sleep, he occasionally comes in the early hours but if its before 5am i put him back in his bed, i sleep alone and always have done, i dont get lonely so dont see why he would, also he has his bear sleep in his bed next to him so he has company, plus there is the factor of if i was to have someone stay over i think it would be weird and discusting to have sex with them with my son in the room, purely as they wouldnt be his dad, i dunno how i would feel if it was his dad and we were still together, well i wouldnt at this age incase he woke up as he is smart and would probably try and act it out at playschool or something :eek:

Justie

HappySad wrote:

Why is it OK for us adults to sleep with company when some see it not OK for our children? Why don't I sleep in my own bedroom while Dh sleep in another room.. if independant sleep is so good for you? After all we are all asleep and should be OK to sleep on our own.

i think you'll find that sleep studies generally recommend solo sleeping even for adults in terms of sleep quality as it reduces the amount of micro-wakings. Whether the social aspects outweigh this is a different issue but if anyone could cure my DH's snoring I'd be more than grateful