What would you do? ...

TeamLowe

I just think it's incredibly harsh to punish your brother like this for something your sister did.
i got married in April and there was lots of people who did not see eye to eye (especially myself and my FIL, who my DH does not speak to anymore) but no one made a scene.
Just ask to be sat away from her at the meal (as DH's aunties requested as they also don't see eye to eye with FIL) and keep away yourself the rest of the time. there's no wedding that has all its guests happy to be in the same room as each other. trust me.

As for the money, if you have any time, a shift at minimum wage once a week for 6 weeks will surely get you very close to what you need.
and when you get married, return the favour and do it in Corfu x x

Kyss

What about staying in a youth hostel? I did that last time I had to stay in a city and hotels and B and Bs were too expensive. It wasn't luxury but it was OK and very central.

Treed

This is your brothers big day!You cant use your argument with your sister as one of the reasons for not going. The day isnt about you or your sister. SUrely on both parts you will be civilized fort he sake of your brother? so no atmosphere.
As for the money problem, how long do you have until the wedding? Could you not share a room with other people to minimise the cost more. There may be a hostel nearby that would be less expensive.
Could you not go to the wedding and return the same day? Therefore missing any atmosphere that may be created and also staying just to see your brother get married?

DS4215

Is it possible for you to stay with your SIL-to-be's family instead of an hotel?

cherylsurrey

I was in your situation once money wise, every penny was accounted for and nothing to spare at the end of each month, you cant just magic the money to go to your brothers wedding out of thin air. Although I can bet you would love to go and missing it is really upsetting, if you have not got the money, you have not got the money. Being in debt for a year to pay it back will be horrible. I would make this very clear to everyone in your family.

Its a pity no one in your family cant help out, if I had a relative in this situation I would help them out if I had the finances to do so as I have been hard up myself in the past and know how horrible it is. I think some people forget what its like to be hard up.

Cheryl

doodoot

How strange that your brother has stopped speaking to you after you have explained that you really can't afford to go to his wedding and will end up in severe debt if you do.

Either he isn't worth your energy or there is something that he knows that you haven't admitted to on here that has caused him to get mad at your excuse.

You know, something like he knows you waste your money on stuff you don't need or that you have loads of money coming in soon that you he knows you will spend on carp.

Sounds harsh, but his reaction doesn't add up. :cool:

newcook

is it cheaper to fly in the morning and return on the evening so you wont have to stay for 2 nights? you could freshen up in your parents hotel room when you arrive.

I personally wouldnt get into debt to go to a wedding - if you cant afford it, you cant afford it! while 6 months to save £350+ is plenty of time for some, if its not there to save its impossible.
I do need to ask though, how long have you known about the wedding?

aliasojo

doodoot wrote: »

How strange that your brother has stopped speaking to you after you have explained that you really can't afford to go to his wedding and will end up in severe debt if you do.

Either he isn't worth your energy or there is something that he knows that you haven't admitted to on here that has caused him to get mad at your excuse.

You know, something like he knows you waste your money on stuff you don't need or that you have loads of money coming in soon that you he knows you will spend on carp.

Sounds harsh, but his reaction doesn't add up. :cool:

This.

I don't subscribe to the blood is thicker than water theory so if one of my family had done something seriously bad to me as you say your sister has to you, then that's it as far as I'm concerned. I don't believe in having people in my life that have a negative effect on me, family or not so I understand your feelings on that score.

However the money issue is a biggie and after years of trying to please people at costs to me that I couldn't really afford, I'm now of the mind that being debt free is more important than spending say 6 hours partying in someone's honour. (Apologies if I have offended anyone but a wedding really is only a glorified party from the guest's pov.)

However I agree with doodoot, your brother's reaction seems very strange to me too. Would most people not express disappointment but say they understood? To get angry at you in this way suggests to me he has other thoughts going on.

squibbs25

Oh hun such a mix of emotions.
Firstly i totally understand your reluctance at getting into debt, i too would feel the same.
Secondly, i think that maybe your brother is a bit upset that rather than you just sticking with the 'got no money' answer, you mentioned about your sister (which he was probably dreading) and has more than likely taken that as the real reason your not going rather than the more truthful side of no money.
Very hard situation to be in.

When i married my husband we had ructions within the family.
neither me or my eldest sister were talking (due to her controlling bf) so i didnt bother to invite her/them, my dad got stressy with me cos i didnt invite her (nor my half brother - I'd only met him a few times and the last time was at a funeral 4 -5 years previously)
anyway my dad had the major hump over me not inviting them so chose not to come!
The wedding was a very small imediate family affair only.
(my mum+stepdad, MIL+FIL, my youngest sister+her family, SIL + nephew, SIL+partner, grandparents on both sides, and my step aunt and uncle, oops not forgetting our children lol -5 between us).
My dad was livid that i'd put step family before biological family.
Unfortunately i have the mindset that we only wanted the people that we see and share our lives with on a day to day basis, not those that you only see at weddings and funerals.
Sadly my dad disagreed with me and stopped all contact with me.

One thing i will say is that it took about 5 years for the rift to heal.
My sister and i are back good friends, my dad is back in my life but it has been a long hard road to get to where we all are now.


You may find your brother thought you loved him enough to go and ignore your sister being there, i always thought my dad loved me no matter what, and never thought for one second that he would not attend my wedding. (he never actually told me my stepmum did , she thought he'd told me as he'd told EVERYONE ELSE )
His reasons for not going was that he had 3 children not one and if any of his children were not invited then he wasnt going either.
He only told me this after we were able to talk about it - years after the wedding.
I understand his point of view but it wouldnt have changed anything. He could not wave a magic wand and make everything ok.


I hope my post has come across as fair, i thought it only fair to share my own experience.

Whatever you decide, i wish you all the best.

claire16c

I would go but stay 1 night instead of 2 to cut down on the cost. Book a flight that arrives in the morning and get changed in your parents hotel room. Then fly back the next day.