What would you do? ...

Cookiee

Hi Peeps

I need your advice.

I have a wonderful little brother who is getting married in June to a lovely lady :j

I have 2 issues.

1 - It is in Dublin. They are getting married in a lovely hotel but it is €190 a night and we need to be there for 2 nights! The nearest cheap B&B is €90 a night. The flights at the moment are varying from £60 / 90 return each. At the moment I am counting every penny and we are surviving on week by week. I have no money on credit cards to cover the £350 for the 2 days. My family have said I have plenty of time to cover this but I just dont know how when we are lucky if we have £5 left at the end of the week :mad:

2 - Me and my younger sister had a very very large falling out about a year ago. I have tried to keep my tongue when I have been down my parents and she is living there for the "6th" time. She has again got engaged for the 4th time in 13 months to another bloke ... (grrr sorry ranting ...) Anyway my brother has invited her and her new bloke and I dont want there to be an atmosphere at his wedding so I have advised that it might be best that I dont go.

This has caused a HUGE!!! row with my family and I dont know what to do ... Do I go and take 3 steps back with my debt (I would have to take out an overdraft and pay it back over 12 months) and try and keep away from my sister at his wedding (how that will happen I dont know) and ignore my feelings to keep my brother happy?

Or do I keep to my guns and not go? Whilst I will be devistated not going I dont want to be arguing on his special day. I know that I might sound like I am being childish and I am really not but what my sister has done is something I dont think I am ever going to forgive ...

Thanks for letting me rant this off my chest ...:A

bylromarha

And breathe!

A decision for you only really. As I see it your options are

1) Watch your brother get wed, get into debt going and spend a year in hardship to make that happen. If you do go, the likelihood is that you will make the situation with your sister worse.

2) Not watch your brother get wed, live the next 12 months knowing that you wont struggle to pay off that debt every month and have the opportunity to avoid your sister.

Honestly? I'd do option 2. We had to not go to sisters wedding as she got married in Cuba and we just could not afford it, plus we had 2 under 2s at the time. It caused friction for a bit, but sister understood our reasons for absence.

And, I don't know what your sister has done to you, and don't want to either, but working through forgiving someone is often the best choice to make. Harder in the short term, but better in the long term than living with the hurt for the many years the pain may last, for both you and your family dealing with the broken relationship.

All the best.

LandyAndy

Have you talked this through with your brother?

barbiedoll

So...two issues here, the money and your sister.

Firstly, your sister. Don't let any rows prevent you from seeing your brother get married. You will find that as your sister grows up, her behaviour will (hopefully) change and even if it doesn't, there's not going to be much that you can do about it. You should try to speak to her before the wedding though, even if you can't clear the air, then you should both agree to disagree and to keep your mouths shut at the wedding. It's his day, not yours or hers, so forget about the row, all grievances will keep for another day!

The finances...this is trickier and not helped by your family, who clearly don't realise the extent of your problems. Remember, you won't just have the expense of travelling, there is also the cost of a wedding gift, new outfits, food and drink when you're not actually at the wedding, fares to and from the venue etc etc. If you want to go, you need to put a plan of action into place and this includes working out exactly how much you will need for everything. It can be done cheaply, new outfits etc, needn't cost a fortune, but you need to budget for them.

Don't even think about getting into more debt for this though. It sounds as though you've recently had your "lightbulb moment", you shouldn't let a big expense like this put you off your new-found MSE vibe. Do you have to fly to Dublin, can you not use the ferry more cheaply? (I don't know where you live so not sure if this is feasible?)
Looking at a more long-term solution, have you done the full financial check and made sure that you're saving as much money as you can on your household bills etc, is there any way that you can save money there? Do you have stuff that you could sell on ebay, gumtree etc etc? Any chance of any overtime at work, any part-time work that you could do and so on?

What about your family, could they help out with the fares, perhaps paying for the children? Are there any relatives in Dublin who could put you up for the night? I know that Ireland is a very expensive place to visit, your brother couldn't have picked a worse place for his wedding, at least from a MSE point of view!

Realistically, you have around 5 months to get the money together, that's £70 per month that you'll have to find (minimum) to put away for this. It's less than £20 per week, a lot, I know when you're skint but there are ways of doing it. Have you been on the Debtfree wannabe board? There's loads of practical help there with bills and cutting down, it would be a shame to miss the wedding for the sake of £20 a week.

dirtysexymonkey

youve lost one sibling, dont make it another. can your parents lend you the money for the hotel and flights? that would save you getting an overdraft.

advising that you best not go is childish. your decision not to go is your decision to make. you shouldnt be putting that decision onto other people.
go or stay. £350 is not a lot of money in the grand scheme of things, but seeing your brother marry is priceless.

its your decision but if you cant be civil to your sister for your brothers sake, even for two days, then you may very well lose your brother too. i dont envy your position but nor do i think you are being fair on him currently.

Cookiee

Thanks for your advice Barbiedoll

It is difficult. My sister did something very wrong against me and my family and whilst my mum and brother have agreed to forget, I am finding it very difficult too. My sister is 26 yrs old so should take responsibility for her actions. i know it is difficult to advise because you all dont know what she did but it was something very bad.

Money wise I totally agree it would be a shame to miss my brothers wedding for £20 a week but at the moment I just dont have this. My financial situation is going to get worse at the end of Jan and I have already done my SOA with nothing I can do to reduce my outgoings I will have not choice but to use my cc. I have no family over in Ireland (all her family) and my mum & dad are being paid for by my brother.

I have explained this all to my brother this afternoon and he is very upset with me and at present not talking to me. However he is like me and will talk to me in a few days when he has calmed down.

I guess my only option is to go to the wedding. I dont have to worry about a new outfit as I have a nice outfit and as a gift we have decided to name a star for them, which would cost approx £20 off a website which I have vouchers over from xmas.

We checked the ferry and it is almost £250 one way :eek: I will try through work to see if they have any discount business hotels we use in Dublin that I can use to get a discount to reduce the cost slightly ...

Wonder_Girl

I understand issues with family members, i really do BUT I'd be looking to find a way to go if I'm honest.

I would have been devastated if my brother or sister hadn't been at my wedding. Also, as a bride i would have been terribly hurt if my husbands own sister didn't come to my wedding, it would have felt like I wasn't being accepted into his family.

£350 isn't a lot of money in the grand scheme of things but it is a lot when you haven't got to pennies to rub together. barbie doll has some good ideas that might be worth a look. Good luck, I know it's a hard decision for you.

WG x

Cookiee

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

youve lost one sibling, dont make it another. can your parents lend you the money for the hotel and flights? that would save you getting an overdraft.

advising that you best not go is childish. your decision not to go is your decision to make. you shouldnt be putting that decision onto other people.
go or stay. £350 is not a lot of money in the grand scheme of things, but seeing your brother marry is priceless.

its your decision but if you cant be civil to your sister for your brothers sake, even for two days, then you may very well lose your brother too. i dont envy your position but nor do i think you are being fair on him currently.

Hi I would not lose my brother over this. Yes he would be hurt as I would but he would not lose me over it.

My parents are not in the position to cover any costs i'm afraid.

Whilst I agree seeing my brother get married would be priceless, the £350 is just money i dont have at the moment. I have come on this site to get advice on wether I should sacrifice 12 months of debt to see my brother get married. Maybe this is a stupid question in some peoples eyes but I just wanted to sound out (and rant a bit) about what I should do .. I was mainly asking about the finanical side of going as well as my sister situation not really to ask people to tell me to stay or go. I apologise if anyone feels this is what I am asking but if you dont want to comment then please dont.

So far in the 3 times I have tried to be civil to my sister, she has hit me twice and thrown a glass vase at my head (luckly my head is quite bouncy so no damage done). I am gutted that I am in this situation and would give anything to make this easier.

I am trying to be fair to my brother. I have not said I am not deff going, just that I think it would be best if I didnt go as I did not want to spoil his day. Surely you can understand I am only trying to make it easier on him by not causing an issue at his wedding ...

paddedjohn

OP, putting aside the problems you have with your sister you would be best, imo, staying out of debt and not go to the wedding. The £350 you are quoting is the minimum you would need before you even thought about airport transfers, food, drinks etc and the total could end up around the £500 mark. If you get on with your brother as well as you say then im sure he would understand.

cheepskate_2

op, in your previous posts re: in november, you are talking about a holiday to vagas, maybe the £1450 bonus you are due in January can go to the wedding instead, seeing as you have already decided not to put it towards your debt.

I would do anything to go to the wedding ,,,, £350 is a measly amount to say you cant go over. Stop your swimming lessons, take back the cossie and heart monitor and you should make the wedding...... it seems like the money is just an excuse.

By any chance op does the wedding co-incide with the holiday for oh's birthday as both are in June.

p.s sell your xbox and kinect, that should get you half of the fare.

BitterAndTwisted

If you honestly can't afford to go, then don't go. But please don't embroil your family into your disagreement with your sister. There will only ever be one loser there and I don't think it will be her.

Mind you, it sounds like you've got a fair bit of carp you could get shot of in ebay quite easily in order to go, so look into your heart about the real reason you are reluctant to join in on your brother's big day. And imagine how hurt your parents might be about your absence as well.