Why don't you have Children yet?

brokenlily

I was in a relationship with someone who had a child, and I found myself wanting children, but he'd already had the snip. But I think I kind of wanted to have kids with him for the wrong reasons really. His circle of friends had all become parents quite young, and they thought I was odd because I was career driven, particularly being female, as his friends' wives were mostly stay at home mums or only worked part time. Some had never had jobs, and had gone straight from school or college to parenthood. I felt a bit of a freakshow, and not to mention inferior to the ex who had given him his beloved daughter. I felt that if we had children I'd feel more secure, and be more valued. Wrong wrong wrong - usually in stepfamilies if more children come along, there are more problems.

I am now 29 and in a relationship where I am happy with where things are. I'm focused on my career and not thinking about kids for now. I get asked from time to time, but I always just say "not at the moment". I have a sneaking suspicion I may not be cut out for parenthood, but I won't say never just in case I have a change of heart somewhere down the line! BF is ambivalent as well, we have both said we'll wait and see in a couple of years when we've got a house and we're a bit more financially secure.

ninnoodle

I think it depends on the context. However I've come up against the question from people who I know are insinuating that I don't have kids because of what they see as my 'selfish lifestyle' and that it's a choice (my mum is one of the worst for assuming this). It does irritate me that some people don't realise I would love a child but can't have one, and it hasn't crossed their minds that this could be the case.

Any

I get sooooo annoyed when asked the question.
And I do all the time!! I do not find kids the best thing since sliced bread. And I have far too many people around who believe that they are the only point of a life and talk about nothing else.

I have nieces and my sister is one of those people. The constant talk about it actually made me so sick of it, that I think that it is quite possible that I don't want any just because I hate being pushed into anything.

I am not maternal - at the moment anyway. I might get the "biological clock" one day, but I don't now. I do not find talking to little kids or babies interesting, funny or stimulating. I do it when they are around, I am not a witch or anything, but I do not purposely look for this kind of thing. Which apparently means that I am a bad person, as apparently it is necessary that I work on my relationship with my nieces and kids in general all the time.

I don't understand why. Don't take me wrong - my nieces are part of my extended family and I do love them as that, but do I have to take them to a park every sunday? I take them just as any other part of a family - don't remember my sister taking me to park every sunday when we were little "creating relationship" with me!! If I wanted to do all that, stay in, go to park on Sundays, Zoo on holidays and relationship with a child etc I would have had my own!!!

How difficult is it to understand that I don't think that it is your purpose to have, love and bring up children??

Any

ninnoodle wrote: »

I think it depends on the context. However I've come up against the question from people who I know are insinuating that I don't have kids because of what they see as my 'selfish lifestyle' and that it's a choice (my mum is one of the worst for assuming this). It does irritate me that some people don't realise I would love a child but can't have one, and it hasn't crossed their minds that this could be the case.

Well to that I would tell anyone to ef off. NO ONE will be telling me what my lifestyle should be.

What annoys me the most is the "you will regret it one day, mark my words!!"
Well, you might regret many things in life, I might even regret IT one day, however I might also regret having one if I have one just for the sake of not regreting it one day IYKWIM. What makes them thing that they are right and that it is their purpose in life to make sure you don't regret it one day??

Gloomendoom

We recently decided not to have children and have spent today looking after our nine year old nephew. I am absolutely knackered and looking forward to his bedtime. Only two hours to go.

I don't think we made the wrong decision. It's nice to be able to give them back.

babymoo

mudgekin wrote: »

I had to have a hysterectomy at 28 which devastated me and got married at 30. so yes being asked as a newlywed would have upset me.

TBH it isn't a subject for small talk, to me that is one of the most personal questions that can be asked. You simply have no clue whether it is medical reasons or simply that the person is childfree through choice, it simply is none of your business

It isn't JUST conversation and unless you have been through it and walked in the shoes of a woman who has that choice taken from her then don't you dare make the comment below :mad:

The amount of things people are getting upset about on here at the moment it doesn't surprise me that someone'll be offended somewhere!

That rates as one of the most insensitive remarks made here

I couldn't have put this better myself. It never ceases to amaze me how many people think that I am ok with not havin my own children. It never stops hurting even if I have learnt to live with it. And yes whilst at the moment it is a blessing to me and I am too selfish for children currently, I had that CHOICE taken from me at the tender age of 17 and some comments I have seen on here would result in me wanting to floor them.

I met a girl 2 years back who was a pre-op transexual. Now I have always been a nice person, won't judge people and figured that she was dealing with her own demons, she wanted a friend and I had no reason not to be her friend, this was until one day she got hammered and started crying to me and one of my closest friends who had just been told she would never conceive that we would never understand what its like to be her (correct, we wouldn't) because we can have children. We were born with the correct plumbing, so we have no right to try help her deal with anything. (wrong!! VERY wrong) Her shock when I blew up at her and told her that while I felt for her and the carp she was going through she had no right to sit there and tell any woman that having children is a god given right because she didn't know what demons other women were facing!!! I don't think I have ever been as angry as that day.

scheming_gypsy

I like to look up people that I went to school with, on Facebook, and that tells me why I don't have children. I'm only 36 but the people I went to school with and have kids, all look ten years older than me.

Grimbal

Another one here who finds this question both difficult & distressing. I would like nothing more than to be able to provide my darling husband with a child. The joy that lights up his face when the nieces visit is amazing. What I find upsetting is that most people simply do not think through what the answers to these sort of questions could be before they ask them. For whatever reason, to be childless is a personal & private matter & not just a conversational topic.

Chick

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

I like to look up people that I went to school with, on Facebook, and that tells me why I don't have children. I'm only 36 but the people I went to school with and have kids, all look ten years older than me.

I definitely have to agree with this post!!:D

missbishi

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

I like to look up people that I went to school with, on Facebook, and that tells me why I don't have children. I'm only 36 but the people I went to school with and have kids, all look ten years older than me.

Me too! I also look at their inane status updates ("Matilda ate two spoons of baby rice today" etc) and praise the NHS for free contraception!