Why don't you have Children yet?

Errata

I used to be asked this questions by rude nosey parkers with no understanding of the boundaries of good taste and manners, so I always told them I was the kind of woman who ate their young!

Softstuff

The older I get the less it gets asked, I'm nearly 34 now. Hubby and I are not having any, it was always the case for me, but hubby just hadn't really considered it prior to meeting me and on consideration decided against.

I tell people the many reasons we won't, that we're not child friendly, that there are many genetic conditions we don't wish to pass on, that pregnancy would likely cause me complications in the condition I have, that we're very happy and can budget well living in a 1 bed unit, that we don't feel it would be easy for a child to grow up in the current climate.... etc.

Most people who know us well don't ask anymore, they do occasionally express their disappointment, but that's fine, their entitled to their own feelings.

kitschkitty

Luckily I've never had family or friends ask me this, but then they all know I love kids, but don't like babies so don't want any!

But I do feel it's a bad question, because there are so many people who can't have children, and there are those who have tried and had miscarriages etc. so it's very indelicate to pry. Also you wouldn't ask someone in the same manner if they've been having sex/about their sex life, but yet people feel it's OK to ask them directly about procreating!

Oh and the one statement I hate is "It's different when they are your own" - well I should bl00dy well hope so, but it doesn't mean telling me that is suddenly going to make me go - "oh well I better go have one then and see if I suddenly like babies"! (not to mention I 100% never want to be pregnant or go through childbirth - never mind be responsible for raising a child)!

LisaB85

kitschkitty wrote: »

Oh and the one statement I hate is "It's different when they are your own" - well I should bl00dy well hope so, but it doesn't mean telling me that is suddenly going to make me go - "oh well I better go have one then and see if I suddenly like babies"! (not to mention I 100% never want to be pregnant or go through childbirth - never mind be responsible for raising a child)!

That is how I feel, the whole process of being pregnant and giving birth turns my stomach.

I still remember a dream where I was giving birth, it was extremely vivid and I woke terrified.

Add to the fact even holding a baby makes me cringe, my mum used to force me to hold them but now she doesn't bother because it must be embarrassing for her when I point blank refuse.

rachelhen

I think the trends have changed utterly over a single generation.
I am one of seven siblings and when we were in our twenties we were all having babies. We limited it to 2 or 3 as opposed to mum and dad's 7. All of those 16 children now range from 23 to 31 and none are even considering having chilcren ( there are only 3 males amongst this lot.)

fannyanna

Ever since Hubby and I started trying for a baby earlier this year and quickly encountered problems I've dreading being asked this question. Catch me on a bad day and my response is likely to involve tears :rotfl:

I'm not very good at lying though. I was asked this question a while ago by two females collagues (one who'd just had a baby) and I confided in them (and then swore them to secrecy) that we were trying but experiencing problems. Now one of the tactless colleagues keeps telling me to get a move on and get pregnant which I think is very insensitive considering she knows we're having fertility problems. I'm at the point where if she says it one more time I'm likely to drop kick her

ska_lover

It's sooo true what someone said earlier in this thread about when you have one baby, within a very short space of time you start getting asked when you are having your next.

As soon as I had my son people were saying it, and when I responded with ''NEVER, I am not having another one'' - folk would assure me that I would change my mind.

nearly 20 years later, I haven't and never would.

Having kids isn't for everyone, we should all appreciate our differences, and respect them.

nic_santorini

I'm 39 yrs and married for 7 years and get asked ALL the time, we really want children but can't because I had cancer for 11 years and have beaten it and getting pregnant is like giving chocolate to a choc addict, the hormones will feed and restart my cancer, so it really is not worth the risk, so very painful for me sometimes when all my friends are popping them out with ease - really happy for them but always tugs at my heartstrings. Whenever I do go to my grave, early or not, I feel slightly empty and unfulfilled and nothing can change that. I have a great life otherwise and really good job and lovely holidays and cars and house, but would give it all up in a heartbeat if I could bear my own children. Then when someone asks me when we are starting a family and I say we can't and then they say oh i'm sorry, I always say 'that's alright' but do you know what 'it is not alright and tears me to pieces inside, although the outside looks and sounds like tigger.

fannyanna

nic_santorini wrote: »

I'm 39 yrs and married for 7 years and get asked ALL the time, we really want children but can't because I had cancer for 11 years and have beaten it and getting pregnant is like giving chocolate to a choc addict, the hormones will feed and restart my cancer, so it really is not worth the risk, so very painful for me sometimes when all my friends are popping them out with ease - really happy for them but always tugs at my heartstrings. Whenever I do go to my grave, early or not, I feel slightly empty and unfulfilled and nothing can change that. I have a great life otherwise and really good job and lovely holidays and cars and house, but would give it all up in a heartbeat if I could bear my own children. Then when someone asks me when we are starting a family and I say we can't and then they say oh i'm sorry, I always say 'that's alright' but do you know what 'it is not alright and tears me to pieces inside, although the outside looks and sounds like tigger.

And this is precisely why people should mind their business and not ask such personal questions.

It's bad enough asking someone who just doesn't want children (and annoying the hell out of them by making them feel they have to explain their life choices to people) but for someone who desperately wants children but is unable to have them it's heartbreaking to be faced with such questions.

Plans_all_plans

I wouldn't say there was anything wrong in asking "would you like children?" to a newly married couple. But I certainly wouldn't pry any further than that. It'd be fairly obvious to me that someone who's been married for 5+ years either doesn't want/can't have children, so I wouldn't ask in these circumstances.