Why don't you have Children yet?

InaPickle

Such an interesting topic!

I'm 31, and I can't imagine having children for a very long time, if ever. It's no bad thing: I've not met the right person; I'm not mentally 'there' yet; my biological clock has not made itself heard and I am surrounded by godchildren and the children of friends who are frankly lovely, but even nicer to hand back at the end of the day.

My best friend is married with 2 children. She never wanted anything but. A mutual friend is married and so clucky it's a wonder she hasn't sprouted feathers yet: a baby enters the same room as her and her ovaries point due child. A third friend has been with her partner for a long time, and may quietly be considering having a child with him, but we are all privately not sure if that child would not be a band-aid baby.

Whatever our stage in wanting or having children, it's OK. Other people's judgements can be anything but, however. I was sat at home when the daughter of a family friend came round to visit my dad (I'm currently living at home - long story) and I was minding my own business when she asked if I was seeing anyone. I told her that I was single at the minute. She told me to get a hurry up, else all the good ones would be gone. :mad: :mad: :mad: The cheeky cow is in her 40s, and not long after that she split up with her husband. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but she was so condescending about that and a few other matters during her brief visit that I'm not sorry either. (And my irate mother sniffily pointed out about her miraculous pregnancy at the age of 19 when she has snared a man she deemed 'good enough', and her complete lack of subsequent jobs.)

I also have two cousins who cannot have children due to endometriosis. They would make astoundingly good mothers, and would desperately love their own children. It is horrible to think that they will never have them (been there, done the treatments, got the infertitility T-shirts), and one has adopted, and the other has married a man who already has children, but the desire is evidently still there.

On the other hand, one of my university friends got married and had a set of twins. (Twins are hard work, but I guess if you are going to have them, it's a good idea to get them out of the way of any possible subsequent children as if you have one child followed by two at the same time, you are going to notice the increase in workload a whole lot more than if you have the pair first ). She said a woman got into a conversation with her down the shops and was marveling at her coping well with twins...and had she ever considered having one of them adopted to make her life easier?! :eek:

I wouldn't say I categorically don't want children, but I'm completely nonplussed either way at the minute, which for me isn't good enough: if you have a child you have an obligation to that child to give them the best of everything that you can, love them and help them as much as you can through life, and until a person feels that, then a person has no business having a child. Don't get me wrong, I'm good with children, but I don't have that base desire to procreate yet, and so I'm currently best sat on the reproductive sidelines until such time as I decide that child rearing is a sport I'm prepared to work hard enough to earn a gold medal at. (Due to numerous factors I also have a slight inkling that it might not be a simple journey for me, either, but it's not one I'm prepared to undertake unless all the conditions are right: for me bringing a child into the world under the wrong circumstances is worse than not bringing one into the world at all.)

Ladies, we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. Whatever your choice (or not, in certain circumstances), enjoy your life as best you can: having children contains great joys, but also sorrows, as does not having them, and whichever side of the fence you find yourself the grass often appears greener on the other.

...but I don't expect anyone to believe that for a second: we are biologically hardwired to want to have children, so just carry on as you were...:rotfl:

Peater

Deleted_User wrote: »

I was literally told this once, by another woman. She told me that as I had a womb, I have an obligation to have children.

Comeback idea (developed from your own): 'Well, I have vocal chords too and i don't feel obligated to spout utter ball-locks like you have just done. I guess we're all different?'

Sooki

I've not read the whole thread, but people who ask the question are always bang out of order, it's never their business.

I've found the best way of handling these ignorant idiots is simply to say 'not every one can have children'. This doesnt actually answer their question why should it, but normally has the desired effect of making them feel really uncomfortable and awkward and shutting up. If they press any further this is just so they have gossip, just ask them why they need to know!

Yes they might things up to fit, but will stop others from the stupid questions.

If you are the kind of person who asks this question, why do you do it?
Either the person doesn't want or are not ready for children or they want them and can't for some reason. Unless you can help butt out, if the person wants you to know these intimate details of their life you wouldn't have need to ask in the first place.

Steel_2

Just before Christmas I was at the house of one of hubby's friends.

We were having a discussion about work and under what circumstances we might give it up if we really couldn't afford to.

I said if hubby became ill long-term I would give up work and care for him, maybe start a small business from home to help bring in some more money. Alternatively if there were issues with our families I might need to be a carer.

Quick as a flash one of them was on me in excitement.

"So you've decided to have children now. You've changed your mind. Why are you pregnant?"

I had to point out to the silly cow that I have a FIL with cancer who may need care if he does not recover, a MIL who is getting weaker by the day caring for FIL and two elderly parents of my own.

At least she looked embarrased.

Steel_2

Ellejmorgan wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but maybe you will change your mind, you are still very young and perhaps the biological urge hasn't hit yet..
How we feel one day isn't always how we feel the next..

The fact that you put the word BUT in your sentance has just validated everything that us child-free by choice individuals have said in this thread.

I do not want children. I'm 38 and knew I didn't want children at 15. This WON'T change. I married a man who doesn't want children and at 51 he's never wavered.

I had a pregnancy scare last month that terrifed me and made me realise I REALLY don't want them. Last month I saw my happy contented life almost come crashing round my ears.

I am happy, self sufficient and content. Last month I was a miserable unhappy wreck thinking I would have to care for a child I didn't want.

The fact that you found happiness having children in no way means that others will.

[Deleted User]

Steel wrote: »

Quick as a flash one of them was on me in excitement.

"So you've decided to have children now. You've changed your mind. Why are you pregnant?"

I had to point out to the silly cow that I have a FIL with cancer who may need care if he does not recover, a MIL who is getting weaker by the day caring for FIL and two elderly parents of my own.

At least she looked embarrased.

I think the point is to embarrass them as much as they have insulted/ embarrassed you so that word eventually gets round that asking such questions are NOT ok. The judgements CF people get are completely inexcusable considering the fact there are millions of people having children who are rotten parents. I was walking down the street one day and saw a mother repeatedly (and rougly) hitting her little girl who couldn't have been more than 4 years old, and swearing at her son. Myself and a few other passers by deliberated over whether to phone the police, but the first thing that entered my mind was that she had no business having children, but that I'm pretty sure no one has ever questionned her over the particular choice. Then you see mothers in the shopping centre who look no more than children themselves. I wonder what made them think they were mature, responsible and stable enough to bring up another person when they have barely reached adulthood themselves. That may seem judgemental but I seriously think having babies has become a hobby for some (case in point, programmes like Teen Mom and Teen Dad) where a baby is seen as an accessory just as little dogs used to be. Does anyone realise that babies soon grow up and you're dealing with a person's life, not just something 'cute' to fit into tiny shoes? The attitudes of people make me feel like an alien sometimes!

SandC

I have quite a few friends who, along with myself, are childfree at similar ages.

It's occurred to me on reading these threads that I have no idea whether it is the same as me, as in by choice, or what as I have never had a conversation around it.

This, I feel, is a major difference between the cfbc and those who do want them or have them. To us, it just isn't on our radar. We don't ask the questions because it doesn't cross our minds to. It is of no relevance. Our friends who have children, well they are friends who have children. Our friends who don't have children, well they are friends who don't have children. Vive la difference!

Steel_2

Deleted_User wrote: »

I was literally told this once, by another woman. She told me that as I had a womb, I have an obligation to have children. This really confused me. I also have vocal chords but I don't believe I'm obligated to become an opera singer. I feel dreadfully sorry for people who have this attitude, they're stuck in the 1950s. Luckily, I live in a world where people have a choice and women can aspire to be anything they want to be.

I've had that one too.

I've also had:

1. You'll miss them if you don't have them.
2. Who will look after you when you're old?
3. But your father and I moved up hear to look after your children and we're not going back (they moved 5 miles away about six months after we married)
4. Who will you talk to when you get old - all you friends will be dead.
5. It's your duty as a wife
6. It's your duty as a daughter to provide your parents with grandchildren

And the one I love the most because I think it sums the whole business up nicely:

We had to suffer so why shouldn't you.

[Deleted User]

There's always a decent reply to such ignorant remarks:

1. You'll miss them if you don't have them. How can I miss something I've never had?
2. Who will look after you when you're old? Whoever I pay. Or I don't particularly want to breed a future carer (after all, it is a ridiculously selfish reason to have a child).
3. But your father and I moved up hear to look after your children and we're not going back (they moved 5 miles away about six months after we married) That's not my problem, I never asked you to.
4. Who will you talk to when you get old - all you friends will be dead. Yes but if I had children, they might move halfway across the world. Another stupid reason to bring a person into the world.
5. It's your duty as a wife. It's absolutely not a duty. We don't live in the 1950s.
6. It's your duty as a daughter to provide your parents with grandchildren. So are they going to birth the child, clean up its poo, raise it etc? I don't think so. You have absolutely no obligation to suit anyone else but yourself. I feel extremely sorry for people who feel they have no choice but to have children, simply because they feel it's their duty. If my parents were bummed that I wasn't giving them grandchildren, sorry but that's their tough luck.

And the one I love the most because I think it sums the whole business up nicely:

We had to suffer so why shouldn't you. This one doesn't require a reply, it speaks volumes.

Person_one

One thing people can never argue with, its better to regret not having children than to regret having them.