Why don't you have Children yet?

Ellejmorgan

I really didn't want any and was fine with being a step parent but then I fell pregnant unplanned but I miscarried, I then became desparate for a child.
Now 13 years on i've had five, one was stilborn and had many complications during deliveries, four were C-sections and had many infections and things going wrong..
It requires a lot of strength to even get through the birth and I would advise anyone to only have kids if your heart is in it..
There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but maybe you will change your mind, you are still very young and perhaps the biological urge hasn't hit yet..
How we feel one day isn't always how we feel the next..

Frugalista

Ellejmorgan wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but maybe you will change your mind, you are still very young and perhaps the biological urge hasn't hit yet..
How we feel one day isn't always how we feel the next..

Oh, for goodness sake :wall::wall::wall::wall::wall::wall:!!!!

Deleted_User wrote: »

I don't want children

What bit of that statement can you not grasp??

SavingPennies_2

Ellejmorgan wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but maybe you will change your mind, you are still very young and perhaps the biological urge hasn't hit yet..
How we feel one day isn't always how we feel the next..

Argh, sorry but it is SOOOOO annoying and patronising when people say this. I find it even more annoying when men say this (I know you arent a man), and I have had a few men say this over the years!

Bluemeanie_2

I don't know why it is socially acceptable to ask people these kinds of questions but not others. It is not accepted to discuss wages, even with other colleagues, but it is ok to demand an answer about a very important decision someone has made? Ridiculous.

I much prefer the brutal honesty of two of my friends who have always said they do not want children, than some of the people I encounter, who have clearly only been conditioned and socially molested into having kids, only to not care about them. I know loads of bad parents, who on the sly, will admit they wished they had never had them. My Husband has 2 kids and although he makes an effort with them, as he accepts he chose to have them. (and should etc, totally different debate) Even he will admit that if he lived his time again he would have had any. He was just "conditioned" into it by his ex and family.

[Deleted User]

Ellejmorgan wrote: »

I really didn't want any and was fine with being a step parent but then I fell pregnant unplanned but I miscarried, I then became desparate for a child.
Now 13 years on i've had five, one was stilborn and had many complications during deliveries, four were C-sections and had many infections and things going wrong..
It requires a lot of strength to even get through the birth and I would advise anyone to only have kids if your heart is in it..
There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but maybe you will change your mind, you are still very young and perhaps the biological urge hasn't hit yet..
How we feel one day isn't always how we feel the next..

Ellejmorgan,

I am very sorry to hear of all the difficulties you've encountered with your births, it sounds truly harrowing and I am glad the ending was a positive one.

I do, however, take some issue with the part of your quote highlighted in bold and I believe this thread was initially started as a result of people saying similar things. It appears that, in the eyes of society, one cannot simply not want children, they must have a delayed biological clock that will soon start ticking and 'it's not to late, you'll soon change your mind' which sends the message that not wanting children is unacceptable, despite the fact you previously said there was nothing wrong with not wanting children. It's like saying 'there's nothing wrong with being a vegetarian, but perhaps one day you'll want to eat meat' which implies that the latter option is preferable, the former being only fleeting.

Not so for me. I don't dislike children, but nothing about birthing or raising a child remotely appeals to me, for reasons I don't feel the need to list and I am as certain as anyone could possibly be that this will never change. You mention that how we feel varies from one day to the next. Not in my 27 years of life has one day gone by where I have felt 'broody', in fact I look at babies and children with complete indifference (or utter irritation if they are noisy), instead my 'maternal instinct' is focused on animals. Yes, people change their minds about certain things from day to day, but completely altering their life, pushing aside their ambitions and hopes and replacing them with the desire to give birth is not something I am likely to ever experience. I, like people who fail to comprehend why anyone would not want children, cannot see why anyone, let alone the vast majority, would want a child, but it would never enter my head to tell someone they might reget their choice or that it might not be the best one for them as I, and other child-free people, are constantly told. It's just plain disrespectful and rude when people act like they are an authority over you or can predict you will change your mind. After all, I would never say 'you might change your mind about having them'. Obviously in your case, you did change your mind, but do not be fooled into believing this applies to everyone who states they do not want children.

I have taken the time to write this because I believe if we actually told those who tell us we'll change our mind that such a passing statement is actually dreadfully offensive and upsetting to us, especially as we are already bombarded with information that tells us we should procreate on a daily basis, maybe they will think twice about saying that to someone else. I am hoping that the next person who tells you they are child free will be met with the same acceptance and compassion as if they had told you they want four children.

Goldi

Violet8

Another child free by choice person by here. I'm 27 and have never once felt broody, concept is completely alien to me. When I was younger I was aware that I was growing up and changing quite a lot and therefore the "you WILL change your mind" crew didn't annoy me *too* much as I acknowledged that I was still very young and I might well change my mind! I did suspect deep down that I wouldn't and now I'm positive. I should say that where I'm from we breed young as a rule and by the time I was about 23/24 I was probably in the minority of girls from my school year that didn't have kids. Therefore it has been a topic of conversation for a long time, probably since leaving school age! In fact when I once mentioned not wanting kids to my doctor at the tender age of about 22 I got a stern lecture about how I needed to let my then boyfriend know ASAP as I would be cruelly denying him the chance to be father! :eek: He didn't even know how long we'd been going out for

I believe I just don't have the gene or whatever it is humans must be fitted with that makes them look at the idea of bringing up a child, and all that it takes and go, "yep, sounds like a sterling idea!"

I do have an embarrassing story as well that shows what comes of someone being a truly pushy nosey parker when I've been drinking I went on at great length about how the type of men I fancy are the type that if we were deer or wolves or something would not get much of a look in with the ladies (shorter, thin, straggly ) and so it makes sense, if I'm such an evolutionary failure, that kids aren't on the agenda as if you were to go back a few thousand years my bf and I wouldn't have been specimens that had much hope of survival! Very premature and born upside down bf also bears this out! So embarrassing and I'm not a good eloquent ambassador for the CFBC cause but I do remember the look on the person's face being priceless...

crumblepie

Ellejmorgan wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but maybe you will change your mind, you are still very young and perhaps the biological urge hasn't hit yet..

I'm 40 this year and can say that the clock isn't ticking at all. I have no urge to suddenly go out and have a baby.

In my twenties I thought I'd have a child, because that was the thing to do - have relationship,settle down and get married, have kids, it didn't happen - relationship broke down, no kids and as I've got older the urge to have a child has diminished, to now where I don't want children.

People know I'm not 'child friendly' as I can't do the whole cooing over a baby thing. But I love knitting and crocheting things for my nieces and nephews as that's what I enjoy doing. There are occasions where people do the whole 'why don't you have kids?'. I tend to answer tongue in cheek that I'd have to give up working, become a single mum and be a drain on society living off benefits and have no free time to myself. In the mean time I'll work fulltime and pay my taxes, have my free time!

Humphrey10

Ellejmorgan wrote: »

you are still very young and perhaps the biological urge hasn't hit yet..

I hate this attitude. I feel like I am being told 'you are just a woman, all you should want to do is breed'.

[Deleted User]

Humphrey10 wrote: »

I hate this attitude. I feel like I am being told 'you are just a woman, all you should want to do is breed'.

I was literally told this once, by another woman. She told me that as I had a womb, I have an obligation to have children. This really confused me. I also have vocal chords but I don't believe I'm obligated to become an opera singer. I feel dreadfully sorry for people who have this attitude, they're stuck in the 1950s. Luckily, I live in a world where people have a choice and women can aspire to be anything they want to be.

Mrs_Ryan

Im just honest and say I cant have them. If i get the 'oh but theres always adoption' I again tell the truth and say we cant either because OH has psychosis. This usually makes them change the subject sharpish...

I'm the same as OP, I have PCOS and severely problematic periods. I've also begged them to take everything out but they arent having it - I've got severe iron deficiency now which has made me really poorly and my GP has bombarded my consultant begging him to consider me for surgical intervention - but I bet your bottom dollar when I go back to the hospital he couldnt give two hoots and is still hell bent on forcing me to have the coil whether I want it or not (I dont, as it happens)