Virtual Sex - cheating or 'just p@rn'

thegirlintheattic

elvis86 wrote: »

This rings massive alarm bells, surely?! Never mind cyber sex, if my OH was that bothered about knowing when I was going to be home, I'd be worried that he was having the real stuff with someone else! I only hope that he's not having the sex, cyber or otherwise, with Simon from work or his sister!:eek:

Not necessarily, though I don't quite understand it just to put the kettle on. I have an hour's commute and often don't get in till 8. If I'm going to be home after 6:30 I text my OH to let him know when I leave work so that he can have the dinner ready when I get home. Otherwise we'd be having dinner at 9 then straight into bed.

elvis86

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

Not necessarily, though I don't quite understand it just to put the kettle on. I have an hour's commute and often don't get in till 8. If I'm going to be home after 6:30 I text my OH to let him know when I leave work so that he can have the dinner ready when I get home. Otherwise we'd be having dinner at 9 then straight into bed.

Yes, but that's completely different. The OP's husband has asked her to let him know when she's 10 minutes away, every night. I can understand you letting your OH know you'll be an hour so he can cook dinner, but what difference does 10 minutes really make in the context of making a cup of tea?:cool:

Peter999_2

Well, because I read your post I visited the two sites you mentioned. So now if my wife looks at my PC she will see I have visited them - but I am certainly not cheating on her.

Also, I ask her to phone me as she sets off from work. I just like to know what time she will be back (mainly so I can tidy up and do the washing up etc.)

Just thought I'd mention that it could be completely innocent.

flutterby_lil

lynseyloop wrote: »

If he has been doing this, I know he's 'chosen' to do so, but if the sites weren't there in the first place then he wouldn't be able to!

But that is like saying if he cheats in real life it is somebody elses fault as if other men and women weren't there in the first place he wouldn't have done it.

Maybe just comment and say that he is on the computer a lot, ask if he has a new hobby?!?

Lovelyjoolz

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

It's not that I have an issue with him finding other women attractive. That's not the problem I have with p0rn. I find it an exploitative industry that preys on vulnerable and often abused people. I also find the objectification of women awful. Some people will refute that, but that is how I see it.

I think that is way too much of a generalisation. Yes, there is p0rn that is exploitative, but there's also a good deal of p0rn that isn't. For example, the P0rn made by women, for women in no way exploits anyone. And I really don't see how p0rn can 'prey' on anyone. I for one have never seen a p0rn film stalking someone in a darkened street.....

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

If I suddenly found out that my husband was involved in that, it would shake my faith in him as a person and he would not be the man I thought he was.

Watching p0rn doesn't make someone a bad person, unless there is an obsession or compulsion disorder or some sort, it's an interest like any other. I personally think its harmless and pretty much every man I know enjoys looking at p0rn. It means nothing. Looking at p0rn is cheating only in the way my drooling over shoes is cheating. I.e. it's not!

OP - I think you need to establish a lot of things with your OH. You clearly object to all sorts of p0rn, but is your OH aware of your opinion on this? He might be happily looking at p0rn sites, totally unaware that this is how you would react to it. I suspect he'd be surprised at how you feel about it. He may even be perfectly happy to never do it again if he knows how you feel about it.

This is a grown-up subject that requires a grown-up conversation. You need to ask him straight out if he's virtually cheating or just browsing p0rnographic images. And then you need to tell him how you feel about that.

I have to ask though - if he is just enjoying a bit of p0rn browsing, how will you deal with that if he refuses to stop it?

Plans_all_plans

Yes joolz, like I said some will refute my beliefs on the subject, but that doesn't make them any less valid or mean that I'm going to change my mind on the industry.

It also doesn't mean that I would be willing to accept my husband looking at it., because I wouldn't. He would not be he man I thought he was. He knows my beliefs about it. However, none of this helps the OP as she has said that she doesn't mind p0rn per se, it's just if he's 'chatting' she'd mind it. That's why my first question was 'would she distinguish between the two'!

Lovelyjoolz

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Well you don't have conclusive proof of him having 'virtual sex', but I have to say that I myself would make no distinction between my husband viewing p0rn and having 'virtual sex' with somone. They are equally bad in my opinion.

Do you make a distcintion between the 2? Would you be ok with it if he's 'just' viewing p0rn?

Apologies Plans_all_plans, for some reason I thought that it was the OP who objected to all p0rn, but I can see now that it was your post (above), not hers.

OP - I'm about as open-minded as they come (no pun intended) but I would object to my OH having cyber or virtual sex with someone else. It's not the act itself so much (because really, what could be sadder than jerking off to some words in a chat room?) but more the sharing of a level of intimacy that is inappropriate outside of our relationship.

It is perfectly within reason for you to ask him if he is doing that. Then, whichever way he answers, tell him that you would consider it to be cheating. That way, you are both clear on how you stand on the issue.

Tropez

elvis86 wrote: »

Maybe I'm just very suspicious!:D

TBH though, if I had existing suspicions about my OH engaging in online sex, the "call 10 minutes before you're home" request would only serve to make me more concerned (although, myself, I would just ask him about it rather than letting it fester like this).

Haha, maybe you are suspicious!

But in my case, it really is just a case of being considerate. She generally sends me a text to let me know when she's left work and whether she wants anything cooked or whether she'll grab something on the way back and then usually another text or call when she's 5-10 minutes away so I can lovingly prepare a nice hot drink for her return.

What I would say though is that if someone's OH were engaging in online frivolities with others, and they had a partner who was usually home during the same period of say 30 minutes each night if they were being that careful why would they still be involved in it that close to their partner's return home? The fact that the OP has on occasion not called and only found her OH on the computer, and presumably not sitting at the computer in a state of undress doesn't lean towards the idea that he's necessarily doing anything wrong here - perhaps he is just trying to be thoughtful.

As I say, I don't play it much these days, but my partner's calls use to be a sign to get off WoW as quickly as possible so that I could spend my evenings with her - not because I'm doing anything she wouldn't want me to be doing (she used to play WoW with me) but because of our different work schedules I wouldn't want to be stuck in the middle of some massive bit of the game when I could be cuddled up with her on the sofa.

victory

I think there is a huge difference between googling for [EMAIL="p@rn"]p@rn[/EMAIL] and watching it to maybe 'get the party started' and take it up with your partner and cyber sex which is nothing to do with your partner, it is you alone with someone else that you don't know, just for your benefit and not your partners

candygirl

victory wrote: »

I think there is a huge difference between googling for [EMAIL="p@rn"]p@rn[/EMAIL] and watching it to maybe 'get the party started' and take it up with your partner and cyber sex which is nothing to do with your partner, it is you alone with someone else that you don't know, just for your benefit and not your partners

Totally agree, and couldn't be with someone who just did the latter:mad:
OP you really need to talk to your partner about the issues and your worries, it's not good for you to feel like this:(:(