Virtual Sex - cheating or 'just p@rn'

Gloomendoom

lynseyloop wrote: »

Then I get angry that sites like these are available and accessible to all, and are ruining marriages, relationships and the very core of family life.

Left to his own devices that is highly unlikely to happen. The OP's reaction, on the other hand, could easily bring it about.

I have no idea what virtual sex is but, by the OP's own admission, it doesn't seem in any way detrimental to the way her other half behaves.




Edit: Just looked it up... Virtual Sex

I can't say I'd be too happy if I found out my wife was into that.

bap98189

Whether there is proof or not is irrelevant. This is your OH, if you can't talk about this with him then I think you need to question your relationship. I find it more concerning that you have jumped to conclusions and then discussed them with other people instead of talking to your OH about it.

Whether a bunch of people on an internet forum think it is cheating is also irrelevant (everyone will have a different opinion anyway) - it is your feelings that matter, not anyone elses.

lynseyloop

Thank you all for your speedy replies, its great to get feedback from others, instead of things churning about in my head.

I am fairly broadminded and have no objection to him 'viewing [EMAIL="p@rn'"]p@rn'[/EMAIL] I think someone has put into words my feelings that cyber sex is inter-action between TWO people not one dimensional so for me that distinguishes the two categories.

Thanks also for the info that the cookies don't necessarily mean he's been on these sites.

I've been suspicious for a couple of months as he is home a couple of hours before me and has been suggesting I call when I'm 10 mins from home so he can 'put the kettle on', sometimes I forget and he's ALWAYS on the computer when I get home. Plus he has been receiving texts that he looks at and doesn't comment on, usually he tells me 'thats Simon from work' or his sister etc. I can't explain it I just have this 'feeling' that he's doing something that could cause our world to come crashing down.

If he has been doing this, I know he's 'chosen' to do so, but if the sites weren't there in the first place then he wouldn't be able to! I don't believe for one moment he would 'physically in the real world' cheat on me, but virtual sex is so easy and relatively risk free (unless you get caught!), no unexplained nights out, no chance of STDs!

Nice to know by the way that some men also view virtual sex as cheating and male views are especially welcome as I know our female minds work in a different way to the male one!

I at least feel a bit calmer now, although still not ready to approach him about this, I truly feel I need proof of either his guilt or innocence before I speak to him. If he knows I am suspicious then he will be covering his tracks even more determinedly!

Thanks again x

photogeek

There is no such thing as virtual xxx, it is just P0RN.

Gillyx

If he has been doing this, I know he's 'chosen' to do so, but if the sites weren't there in the first place then he wouldn't be able to! I don't believe for one moment he would 'physically in the real world' cheat on me, but virtual sex is so easy and relatively risk free (unless you get caught!), no unexplained nights out, no chance of STDs!

That's a cop out, it really is. We as humans have to make choices and decisions every day, and we can chose between right and wrong. It's like me saying I have no will power, so McDonalds/KFC (whatever) shouldn't be there, then I wouldn't be able to eat it.

The same with this, that person behind the computer screen could easily be found in personal ad's etc, so even if the websites weren't there it still could easily be sought out if wished by your OH.

Tropez

lynseyloop wrote: »

Thank you all for your speedy replies, its great to get feedback from others, instead of things churning about in my head.

I am fairly broadminded and have no objection to him 'viewing p@rn' I think someone has put into words my feelings that cyber sex is inter-action between TWO people not one dimensional so for me that distinguishes the two categories.

Thanks also for the info that the cookies don't necessarily mean he's been on these sites.

I've been suspicious for a couple of months as he is home a couple of hours before me and has been suggesting I call when I'm 10 mins from home so he can 'put the kettle on', sometimes I forget and he's ALWAYS on the computer when I get home. Plus he has been receiving texts that he looks at and doesn't comment on, usually he tells me 'thats Simon from work' or his sister etc. I can't explain it I just have this 'feeling' that he's doing something that could cause our world to come crashing down.

If he has been doing this, I know he's 'chosen' to do so, but if the sites weren't there in the first place then he wouldn't be able to! I don't believe for one moment he would 'physically in the real world' cheat on me, but virtual sex is so easy and relatively risk free (unless you get caught!), no unexplained nights out, no chance of STDs!

Nice to know by the way that some men also view virtual sex as cheating and male views are especially welcome as I know our female minds work in a different way to the male one!

I at least feel a bit calmer now, although still not ready to approach him about this, I truly feel I need proof of either his guilt or innocence before I speak to him. If he knows I am suspicious then he will be covering his tracks even more determinedly!

Thanks again x

What I would say about this is that you're not going to get evidence or proof the way that you're going about things, moreover you're just going to allow the seeds of doubt to spread and any minor detail could therefore be an example.

If we're honest, let's look at some of the things that are ringing alarm bells for you. He asks you to call before you get home - I ask my partner to do that too and one of the reasons is, bizarrely enough, to put the kettle on. She has an hours drive back from work, doesn't get in until late so I figure I nice hot drink will help her unwind. If she didn't call there's a fairly good chance she'd find me on a computer. Heck, the phone call used to also serve as an alarm to stop playing World of Warcraft!

I don't comment on every text message I receive - sometimes I don't even read them properly. I check the sender and the first few lines and then put my phone back in my pocket. To be honest, and this is just my personal feelings, if I had to comment on every single message I received to my partner I would consider that quite invasive, particularly as I have done nothing outside the boundaries of our relationship.

And as I mentioned in an edit to my previous post which you may not have seen, private browsing or deleting history could be a way of protecting your children from things, including some of the more graphic images in the news - like Sky News who broadcast images of Gaddafi's bullet ridden corpse.

I think there's a lot more to this. Your OH isn't exhibiting behaviour that is clearly abnormal yet for some reason you suspect him of wrongdoing.

elvis86

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

I have to say that I myself would make no distinction between my husband viewing p0rn and having 'virtual sex' with somone. They are equally bad in my opinion.

To me, that is tantamount to demanding that your OH never find anyone else sexually attractive whilst he's with you. Unrealistic and unneccesary. My OH and I will openly tell each other when we find someone attractive (often simultaneously, what with this being a gay relationship!:D), it's totally healthy and doesn't mean that we're any less committed to each other.

I view !!!!!! in much the same way, so long as it doesn't become an obsession and detrimental to your sex life together/your relationship.

lynseyloop wrote: »

Then I get angry that sites like these are available and accessible to all, and are ruining marriages, relationships and the very core of family life.

I'm sorry, but it's way too easy and one big cop out for the wronged partner to blame the existence of Facebook/sex websites for their partner's cheating. If he's cheating, it's because he's like that, or because there are issues in your relationship. Blaming the internet isn't going to help.

lynseyloop wrote: »

I've been suspicious for a couple of months as he is home a couple of hours before me and has been suggesting I call when I'm 10 mins from home so he can 'put the kettle on', sometimes I forget and he's ALWAYS on the computer when I get home. Plus he has been receiving texts that he looks at and doesn't comment on, usually he tells me 'thats Simon from work' or his sister etc.

This rings massive alarm bells, surely?! Never mind cyber sex, if my OH was that bothered about knowing when I was going to be home, I'd be worried that he was having the real stuff with someone else! I only hope that he's not having the sex, cyber or otherwise, with Simon from work or his sister!:eek:

CBH88

onlyroz wrote: »

Depends what he's doing. Watching !!!!!! isn't cheating. But having "cyber sex" with a real person is.

This exactly. But its no good asking us, you need to talk to him about it and work out how you feel, if you are bothered by it then its something you need to discuss together

elvis86

Tropez wrote: »

If we're honest, let's look at some of the things that are ringing alarm bells for you. He asks you to call before you get home - I ask my partner to do that too and one of the reasons is, bizarrely enough, to put the kettle on. She has an hours drive back from work, doesn't get in until late so I figure I nice hot drink will help her unwind. If she didn't call there's a fairly good chance she'd find me on a computer. Heck, the phone call used to also serve as an alarm to stop playing World of Warcraft!

Maybe I'm just very suspicious!:D

TBH though, if I had existing suspicions about my OH engaging in online sex, the "call 10 minutes before you're home" request would only serve to make me more concerned (although, myself, I would just ask him about it rather than letting it fester like this).

Plans_all_plans

elvis86 wrote: »

To me, that is tantamount to demanding that your OH never find anyone else sexually attractive whilst he's with you. Unrealistic and unneccesary. My OH and I will openly tell each other when we find someone attractive (often simultaneously, what with this being a gay relationship!:D), it's totally healthy and doesn't mean that we're any less committed to each other.

I view !!!!!! in much the same way, so long as it doesn't become an obsession and detrimental to your sex life together/your relationship.

No it isn't! He's not blind, he's bound to find other women attractive. I'm also perfectly aware that he'll find some other women more sexually attractive than myself. Just as some other men will find me more sexually attractive than their wives/girlfriends. It's just nature.

It's not that I have an issue with him finding other women attractive. That's not the problem I have with p0rn. I find it an exploitative industry that preys on vulnerable and often abused people. I also find the objectification of women awful. Some people will refute that, but that is how I see it.

If I suddenly found out that my husband was involved in that, it would shake my faith in him as a person and he would not be the man I thought he was.